You send a Christmas card to everyone who writes a letter to the White House.
I do?
Yes, sir. And somewhere around a million people wrote you letters this year.
Okay, but some of those were death threats.
They've weeded those out.
S2Noël
Doctor Keyworth, I'm the deputy White House Chief of Staff. I oversee 1,100 White House employees. I answer directly to Leo McGarry and the President of the United States. Did you think you were talking to the paperboy? In your wildest dreams, did you imagine that I would walk into this room without knowing exactly who you are and what you do?
We're from ATVA.
Yeah.
That's the American Trauma Victims Association.
Yeah.
We're commonly called in by the government to work with trauma victims. I'll give you some examples. The pipe bomb at Lancaster Middle School. We worked with the parents and the kids...
[interrupts] Tulsa, Hurricane Beth, the Chatham fires, the Iowa tornadoes, the FBI raid in Rock Creek.
So, you are familiar with us?
Dr. Keyworth, I'm the Deputy White House Chief of Staff. I oversee 1100 White House employees. I answer directly to Leo McGarry and the President of the United States. Do you think you're talking to the paperboy?
No.
In your wildest dreams did you imagine that I'd walk in this room without knowing exactly who you are and what you do?
No.
Then why did you lie to me right off the bat?
Josh...
[indicating Kaytha] She's not here training!
As a matter of fact, she is.
I read briefing books every day on subjects considerably more complicated than ATVA.
She is here training in trauma therapy.
Yeah, but that's not why there are two of you.
No.
That's not the reason why there are two of you.
No.
I get up, go to the bathroom, go to my office, answer the phone -- one of you watches me.
Yeah.
Stanley, you got off to a bad start.
Yes, I did.
Yes, you did.
Let's start again.
You gonna lie to me this time?
No. You gonna lie to me?
Haven't yet.
Really?
Yeah.
[Dr. Keyworth nods and waits a moment.]
How did you cut your hand? [pause] You're not talking to the paperboy, either, Josh.
Stanley, you can ask the questions and you can answer them, but you can't do both at the same time.
Yes, I can.
Why?
Because I know the answers, and I don't work for you.
Is there gonna be a...
How'd you cut your hand?
Stanley...
Nah, how'd you do it?
[We see a flashback of Josh in his apartment, sitting on a couch with a glass.]
I put a glass down.
[Josh breaks the glass in his hand.]
Yeah, I don't think you did.
Stanley, I got home from the thing, I made a drink, I sat down, I pushed the magazine aside to use as a coaster, and I missed the coaster.
You missed the coaster with quite a bit of force.
I work out when I can.
I swear, I am completely unimpressed with clever answers.
And I was so hoping we'd have a second date.
[pause] You're in nine kinds of pain. You don't even know what's going on inside of you. And you are so locked into damage control that you can't...
You diagnosed me in eight hours?
Josh, I diagnosed you in five minutes.
Why would the music have started it?
Well, I know it's going to sound like I'm telling you that two plus two equals a bushel of potatoes, but at this moment, in your head, music is the same thing as...
...as sirens. So that's going to be my reaction every time I hear music?
No.
Why not?
Because... we get better.
All the same, I need some more therapy.
Oh, you're gonna get some.
I mean now.
Merry Christmas, Josh.
We can order a pizza!
[laughs] Have a good night.
Stanley, I haven't told you my dreams yet!
Fax 'em over to me.
Merry Christmas.
S2The Leadership Breakfast
It's a private poll. The press doesn't have access to it... The only way they'd know what questions were being asked is if they were actually called by one of the pollsters and... Oh my god!
Yes.
A reporter got called by one of the pollsters?
Wow. What are the chances of that?
The chances of that are astronomical.
We can calculate it. They sample 800 respondents...
Would the two of you stop being amazed by the mathematics!
Josh, this was delivered by messenger.
What is it?
It's... wait... wait... no. Damn, my x-ray vision is failing me today.
Why were you holding women's underwear before?
Never really needed a reason.
Donna wants me to call Karen Cahill and make it clear she wasn't hitting on her when she gave her her underwear.
Yeah, that's because I made fun of her shoes and Sam said there were nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan and Donna went to clear up the mix up and accidentally left her underwear.
There can't possibly be nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan...
Mr. President, please don't wade hip deep into this story.
Alexander Hamilton didn't think we should have political parties. Neither did John Adams. He thought political parties led to divisiveness.
They do. They should. We have honest disagreements. Arguments are good.
Only if they lead to statesmanship. Or it's just theatre. And statesmanship is compromise.
What about persuasion? They're coming for us, Leo.
I know.
I mean they're coming for us now.
Toby, if you knew what it was like getting him to run the first time...
I know.
Like pushing molasses up a sandy hill. If I go and tell him it's time to run again he's going to get crazy... and frustrated. He's going to sink into his head and he's going to say he's not running.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So we've got to do it for him. We'll keep it away from this office but we've got to get real now. Leo, Ann Stark's a war time consigliere. That's why she was bumped up.
I'm a wartime consigliere too, Toby. I was just hoping it'd be peace time a little longer.
Yeah.
Shake my hand.
[Toby and Leo shake hands]
We just formed it.
Formed what?
The Committee to Reelect the President.
S2The Drop-In
[about Lord John Marbury] Are you threatened by his brilliance?
Neither Leo nor I are threatened by his brains, his looks or his charm. He is, however, a lunatic Brit and we're grateful there's an ocean between us.
Your assistant, Margaret, is looking positively buxom.
[awkwardly] Thank you. I'll tell her.
[from outer office] Thank you!
Oh, yes! Well done!
In my day we knew how to protect ourselves.
Well, in your day you could pretty much turn back the Indians with a Daniel Boone musket, couldn't you?
Ah, sarcasm, the grumpy man's wit.
Go sharpen a pencil, would you?
Why don't we just give the $60 billion to North Korea in exchange for not bombing us?
It's almost hard to believe that you're not on the National Security Council.
I know, I feel like they're missing an important voice.
Where are you on the missile shield?
Well, I think it's dangerous, illegal...fiscally irresponsible, technologically unsound, and a threat to all people everywhere.
BBartlett
Leo?
I think the world invented a nuclear weapon. I think the world owes it to itself to see if it can't invent something to make it irrelevant.
Well that's the right sentiment, certainly a credible one from a man who's fought in a war. You think you can make it stop? Well, you can't. We build a shield and somebody will build a better missile.
Well, it's a discussion for serious men. They say a statesman is a politician who's been dead for fifteen years. I'd like us to be statesmen while we're still alive.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.