[to Josh] This guy's walking down a street, when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up "Hey you! Can you help me out?" The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole! Our guy says "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here!" and the friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out." As long as I got a job, you got a job, you understand me?
“Noël” · Season 2
In this episode: Josh Lyman (5), Dr. Keyworth (3), Josiah Bartlet (1), Leo McGarry (1), Charlie Young (1)
SStanley
What happened three weeks ago?
I don't know what you're referring to.
SStanley
I don't know what I'm referring to either, but some of the people you work with became concerned with your behavior three weeks ago.
Well, I've been concerned with their behavior since long before that.
BBernard
[to C.J.] The President, on a visit to the gallery, and possessing even less taste in fine art than you have in accessories, announced that he liked the painting. The French government offered it as a gift to the White House. I suppose in retribution for EuroDisney. So there it hangs, like a gym sock on a shower rod.
You send a Christmas card to everyone who writes a letter to the White House.
I do?
Yes, sir. And somewhere around a million people wrote you letters this year.
Okay, but some of those were death threats.
They've weeded those out.
Doctor Keyworth, I'm the deputy White House Chief of Staff. I oversee 1,100 White House employees. I answer directly to Leo McGarry and the President of the United States. Did you think you were talking to the paperboy? In your wildest dreams, did you imagine that I would walk into this room without knowing exactly who you are and what you do?
We're from ATVA.
Yeah.
That's the American Trauma Victims Association.
Yeah.
We're commonly called in by the government to work with trauma victims. I'll give you some examples. The pipe bomb at Lancaster Middle School. We worked with the parents and the kids...
[interrupts] Tulsa, Hurricane Beth, the Chatham fires, the Iowa tornadoes, the FBI raid in Rock Creek.
So, you are familiar with us?
Dr. Keyworth, I'm the Deputy White House Chief of Staff. I oversee 1100 White House employees. I answer directly to Leo McGarry and the President of the United States. Do you think you're talking to the paperboy?
No.
In your wildest dreams did you imagine that I'd walk in this room without knowing exactly who you are and what you do?
No.
Then why did you lie to me right off the bat?
Josh...
[indicating Kaytha] She's not here training!
As a matter of fact, she is.
I read briefing books every day on subjects considerably more complicated than ATVA.
She is here training in trauma therapy.
Yeah, but that's not why there are two of you.
No.
That's not the reason why there are two of you.
No.
I get up, go to the bathroom, go to my office, answer the phone -- one of you watches me.
Yeah.
Stanley, you got off to a bad start.
Yes, I did.
Yes, you did.
Let's start again.
You gonna lie to me this time?
No. You gonna lie to me?
Haven't yet.
Really?
Yeah.
[Dr. Keyworth nods and waits a moment.]
How did you cut your hand? [pause] You're not talking to the paperboy, either, Josh.
Stanley, you can ask the questions and you can answer them, but you can't do both at the same time.
Yes, I can.
Why?
Because I know the answers, and I don't work for you.
Is there gonna be a...
How'd you cut your hand?
Stanley...
Nah, how'd you do it?
[We see a flashback of Josh in his apartment, sitting on a couch with a glass.]
I put a glass down.
[Josh breaks the glass in his hand.]
Yeah, I don't think you did.
Stanley, I got home from the thing, I made a drink, I sat down, I pushed the magazine aside to use as a coaster, and I missed the coaster.
You missed the coaster with quite a bit of force.
I work out when I can.
I swear, I am completely unimpressed with clever answers.
And I was so hoping we'd have a second date.
[pause] You're in nine kinds of pain. You don't even know what's going on inside of you. And you are so locked into damage control that you can't...
You diagnosed me in eight hours?
Josh, I diagnosed you in five minutes.
Why would the music have started it?
Well, I know it's going to sound like I'm telling you that two plus two equals a bushel of potatoes, but at this moment, in your head, music is the same thing as...
...as sirens. So that's going to be my reaction every time I hear music?
No.
Why not?
Because... we get better.
All the same, I need some more therapy.
Oh, you're gonna get some.
I mean now.
Merry Christmas, Josh.
We can order a pizza!
[laughs] Have a good night.
Stanley, I haven't told you my dreams yet!
Fax 'em over to me.
Merry Christmas.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.