The West Wing · Season 2
Over three and a half centuries ago, linked by faith and bound by a common desire for liberty, a small band of pilgrims sought out a place in the New World where they could worship according to their own beliefs... and solve crimes.
Sam...
It'd be good. By day, they churn butter and worship according to their own beliefs, and by night they solve crimes.
Read the thing.
Pilgrim detectives.
Do you see me laughing?
I think you're laughing on the inside.
Okay.
With the big hats.
Give me the speech.
Every time we come up on a holiday, you guys check out like seniors who are done with finals.
We are writing a very important Thanksgiving proclamation.
And possibly a new action-adventure series.
Nobody here has checked out...
[Josh enters]
Hey, I was just flipping a nickel in my office. Sixteen times in a row, it came out tails.
In the following days, we will be meeting with Reverend Al Caldwell, members of Beijing's Embassy and INS agents. The President has asked Josh Lyman and Sam Seaborn to run these meetings so it's entirely possible that by week's end we'll have alienated Christians, China, and our own government.
They sent me two turkeys. The most photo-friendly of the two gets a Presidential pardon and a full life at a children's zoo. The runner-up gets eaten.
If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch.
Okay, Mr. President, I say this with all possible respect, but each of these knives cut, you know, meat. Why is it important?
Because it's something we pass on. Something with a history so we can say, 'My father gave this to me. His father gave it to him.'
Well, okay, sir, but if that's true, then why don't you already have one?
I do have one.
Why do you need a new one?
I'm giving mine away.
To who?
Whom.
To whom?
Funny you should ask. [takes out knife case from his drawer] Charlie, my father gave this to me, and his father gave it to him, and now I'm giving it to you. Take a look. The fully tapered bolster allows for sharpening the entire edge of the blade.
It says 'P.R.' I thought I knew them all, but I don't recognize the manufacturer.
Yeah. This was made for my family by a Boston silversmith named Paul Revere.
There are questions as to the veracity of your claim to the asylum.
Yes sir.
How did you become a Christian?
I began attending a house church with my wife in Fujian. Eventually, I was baptized.
How do you practice?
We share bibles--we don't have enough. We sing hymns. We hear sermons. We recite the Lord's Prayer. We are charitable.
Who's the head of your church?
The head of our parish is an 84-year-old man named Wen-Ling. He's been beaten and imprisoned many times. The head of our church is Jesus Christ.
Can you name any of Jesus' disciples? [beat] If you can't, that's okay. I usually can't remember the names of my kids, or for that matter...
Peter, Andrew, John, Phillip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, Thaddeus, Simon, Judas and James. [beat] Mr. President, Christianity is not demonstrated through a recitation of facts. You're seeking evidence of faith, a wholehearted acceptance of God's promise for a better world. 'For we hold that man is justified by faith alone' is what St. Paul said. 'Justified by faith alone.' Faith is the true... uh, I'm trying to... shibboleth. Faith is the true shibboleth.
[beat] Yes, it is. And you sir, just said the magic word in more ways than one. Thank you.
Sam's gonna make some changes.
Are you going to clear them with me?
Probably not. [to the recorder] Write this. Eleven months ago, a 1,200-pound spacecraft blasted off from Cape Canaveral, Florida. Eighteen hours ago...18 hours, do I have that right? It's going to be noon Eastern time.
Yep.
Eighteen hours ago, it landed on the planet Mars. You, me, and 60,000 of your fellow students across the country, along with astroscientists and engineers from the Jet Propulsion Lab in Southern California, NASA Houston, and right here at the White House are going to be to the first to see what it sees, and to chronicle the extraordinary voyage of an unmanned ship called 'Galileo V.'
[to C.J.] He said it right.
There's a Citizen's Stamp Advisory Committee?
Yes.
Made up of members of the There-But-For-The-Grace-of-God-go-I Club?
You wanna mock people or let me talk to Toby?
I wanna mock people.
[about why we should go to Mars] 'Cause it's next. 'Cause we came out of the cave and we looked over the hill and we saw fire. And we crossed the ocean and we pioneered the West and we took to the sky. The history of man is hung on a timeline of exploration, and this is what's next.
[to Leo, about a Russian warhead explosion:] Leo, at the time the SS-19 exploded, it was being drained of its liquid hydrogen in an attempt by deserting soldiers to – wait for it...
Steal the warhead?
Steal the warhead! [to the Russian Ambassador ] When were you gonna tell us about that? You realize how dangerous–
Mr. President, you shouldn't be concerned with the welfare of the Russian people.
Well, I am concerned with the welfare of the Russian people, but that's not what they pay me for. You guys fall asleep at the switch in Minsk, and I've got a whole hemisphere hiding under the bed. How do you not tell us this is going on? How do you not ask us for help?
We'll not need help finding the leaders of the black market network–
Yeah, thanks. We're sending in NATO inspectors.
Leo and I were just discussing the terms.
The terms are we're sending in NATO or he's taking a walk to the press room.
[to the Russian Ambassador] Get your foreign minister on the phone. [pauses] I honestly don't know from where you guys get the nerve.
From a long, hard winter, Mr. President.
We have at our disposal a captive audience of schoolchildren. Some of them don't go to the blackboard or raise their hand cause they think they're going to be wrong. I think you should say to these kids, "You think you get it wrong sometimes, you should come down here and see how the big boys do it." I think you should tell them you haven't given up hope, and that it may turn up, but in the meantime, you want NASA to put its best people in the room, and you want them to start building Galileo VI. Some of them will laugh and most of them won't care, but for some they might honestly see that it's about going to the blackboard and raising your hand.
Who wrote this intro?
I did.
You're from NASA Public Affairs?
Yep.
You mind if I give it a polish?
Is there a problem?
No, it's great. You mind if I change it?
I'd prefer if you didn't.
Just the same...
The Public Affairs has cleared the text. If it's gonna be changed, I'd prefer that the President change it.
See, that's kind of what he pays me to do, so...
Look, I don't want to step on your toes. You don't want to step on mine. We're both writers.
Yes, I suppose, if you broaden the definition to those who can't spell.
Excuse me?
...
Can I see the intro?
It's up on the Prompter.
[reads] "Good morning! I'm speaking to you live from the West Wing of the White House. Today we have a very unique opportunity to take part live in an extremely historic event which..." Whoa, boy...
[waves and smiles] How you doing, Mr. President?
Who wrote this intro?
I did, sir. I'm Scott Tate from NASA Public Affairs.
[gets up and shakes his hand] Scott. "Unique" means "one of a kind." Something can't be very unique, nor can it be extremely historic.
While we're at it, do we have to use the word "live" twice in the first two sentences like we just cracked the technology?
Look...
We're also broadcasting in living color, right?
Sam?
Yeah.
Sam's gonna make some changes.
Are you going to clear them with me?
Probably not. [to the recorder] Write this. Eleven months ago, a 1,200-pound spacecraft blasted off from Cape Canaveral, Florida. Eighteen hours ago...18 hours, do I have that right? It's going to be noon Eastern time.
Yep.
Eighteen hours ago, it landed on the planet Mars. You, me, and 60,000 of your fellow students across the country, along with astroscientists and engineers from the Jet Propulsion Lab in Southern California, NASA Houston, and right here at the White House are going to be to the first to see what it sees, and to chronicle the extraordinary voyage of an unmanned ship called 'Galileo V.'
[to C.J.] He said it right.
[to Josh] This guy's walking down a street, when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up "Hey you! Can you help me out?" The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole! Our guy says "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here!" and the friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out." As long as I got a job, you got a job, you understand me?
What happened three weeks ago?
I don't know what you're referring to.
I don't know what I'm referring to either, but some of the people you work with became concerned with your behavior three weeks ago.
Well, I've been concerned with their behavior since long before that.
[to C.J.] The President, on a visit to the gallery, and possessing even less taste in fine art than you have in accessories, announced that he liked the painting. The French government offered it as a gift to the White House. I suppose in retribution for EuroDisney. So there it hangs, like a gym sock on a shower rod.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
