Charlie Young quotes from The West Wing

Charlie

Can you make a run to the staff secretary's office? Ella's not there, but someone should be. Make sure you just take what needs to be signed today. They're gonna try to give you a whole stack, and right there's where you become a man.

Should I use sex as a tactic?

Charlie

If you need to. Hell, even if you just want to.

Charlie

Josh and Sam talked to me. I'm on board.

Toby

With what?

Charlie

Team Toby.

Toby

See, I lent voice to thought and that was my mistake.

Charlie

If you want to marry Andy, then, damn it, so do I...

Toby

Okay.

Charlie

...want that, you know, to happen to you.

Toby

I get it.

Charlie

Do you? Because this is about love.

Toby

I think you have a different motivation.

Charlie

Laughs?

Toby

Yes.

Charlie

Sure, but also as much love, really, as I think either one of us are comfortable with.

Bartlet

You're young, Charlie. Don't you want to be having fun right now?

Charlie

Yes, sir. But I work for you.

Bartlet

I get that a lot.

Bartlet

Charlie! Would you pull the first lady out of whatever it is she's doing?

Charlie

She's with the women's caucus.

Bartlet

Well put on a helmet and pads and get in there.

Charlie

You want me to have the President dodge a call from the UN Secretary-General and not know why?

Leo

Yeah. Can you swing that?

Charlie

If I could, that would be troubling, wouldn't it?

Zoey

My dad's going to love him.

Charlie

Oh, yeah.

Zoey

Well, I love him, so my father will love him.

Charlie

That's absolutely the way it works.

Bartlet

It's the curse of every daughter's father.

Charlie

Boyfriends?

Bartlet

I don't like them, I don't like them at all.

Charlie

Yes, I know sir.

Bartlet

What the hell happened with you two? It was perfect. I just kept you in the office all the time.

Charlie

Well, she was unhappy that I was at the office all the time.

Bartlet

That was the point. If I was trying to make her happy, I'd buy her a Cabriolet.

Bartlet

Charlie, I'm gonna change my mind again on the Bible.

Charlie

[ironically] Mr. President, you have to imagine my utter surprise.

Bartlet

Aren't you afraid that one day I'm just gonna kick your ass like it's never been kicked?

CJ

[about the First Lady's speech] You should tell her not to talk about the House vote.

Charlie

You want me to tell Mrs. Bartlet she's going to look like a dilettante?

CJ

I once had to tell the President he was wearing two different shoes.

Charlie

That's roughly the same.

Charlie

Do you have a girlfriend?

Will

No.

Charlie

When was the last time you did?

Will

About nine months ago.

Charlie

How long did it last?

Will

About two days. In my defense, though, she was psycho.

Charlie

So why are you giving me relationship help?

Will

Because I'm the only one in this conversation who didn't get a Dear John email from his ex-girlfriend's boyfriend.

Charlie

God, that's really true, isn't it?

Zoey

Are you going to do what I asked in the email?

Charlie

No.

Zoey

You just refuse.

Charlie

I do. I refuse, respectfully.

Zoey

You can't refuse and be respectful at the same time.

Charlie

Watch me. Ask again.

Zoey

Stop pursuing me.

Charlie

Respectfully, no.

Zoey

Why?

Charlie

'Cause I'm in love with you, and that's the way it goes.

Bartlet

[after shots were fired at the White House] Where's Charlie?

Leo

He's somewhere in the building.

Butterfield

We're holding people where they are right now.

Bartlet

But if he's heard what happened, he's going to be trying to get here...

Butterfield

We've got to hold everybody for a moment so that we can secure...

Bartlet

No, I'm telling you that if Charlie heard there were bullets, he's going to overpower whoever's trying to...

Charlie

[pause] Sorry, Mr. President.

Bartlet

Come here.

Bartlet

It's bulletproof glass in the windows, okay. You want to kill me, you're going to have to do it from inside the building.

Charlie

[sighs] Thank you, Mr. President.

Charlie

Are you eating a salad?

Toby

Yeah.

Charlie

Why?

Toby

'Cause I am.

Charlie

I don't think I've ever seen you eat a salad. What kind of salad is it?

Toby

I don't know.

Charlie

Just mixed greens?

Toby

I don't know what kind of salad it is, I'm eating a salad, okay? I'm doing it, do I have to know the names? There's no difference between them, it's a bowl of weeds!

Toby

Some of them have cheese, this isn't the kind with cheese, does that answer your question?

Toby

How many years have you guys been 'Toby, you eat like a teenager.' 'Toby, that's red meat.' 'That's your second cigar.' Here I am, eating this salad, which, by the way, you could cover this thing in barbecue sauce and it still tastes like the ground, and I'm getting heckled from the gallery! Who wanted to come in here and eat his roast beef sandwich with ketchup on a kaiser roll and watch the damn tennis on my TV! That's all I'm saying.

Charlie

Man, Toby, you're really doing everything you can do to get that woman to marry you?

Bartlet

You work for the President. He's going to need you down there.

Charlie

I work for you, sir. Someone else can show him where the Xerox paper is.

Bartlet

You do a lot more than that.

Charlie

Thank you, sir, but I'd prefer to stay here with you.

Charlie

CJ, with the press -- could you ever trust a reporter?

CJ

Is this the beginning of a joke?