Charlie Young quotes from The West Wing

Leo

Charlie?

Charlie

Leo, there was an accident at 18th and Potomac. Mrs. Landingham was driving her car back here.

Leo

What happened?

Charlie

There was a drunk driver and they ran the light at 18th and Potomac. They ran it at a high speed.

Leo

Charlie, is she all right?

Charlie

No...She's dead.

Leo

[a bit hoarse] Is he alone?

Charlie

Yeah.

Charlie

Aren't you supposed to be writing?

Toby

I am writing.

Charlie

I don't see paper.

Toby

'We can sit back and admit with great sensitivity that life isn't fair... and the less-advantaged are destined to their lot in life... and the problems of those on the other side of the world should stay there... and our leaders are cynical and can never be an instrument of change... but that, my friends, is not worthy of you; it's not worthy of a President; it's not worthy of a great nation; it's not worthy of America.' Paper's for wimps.

Charlie

[advised to get a lawyer] How much?

Babish

Assuming you saw nothing wrong, heard nothing wrong and did nothing wrong... about $100,000.

Toby

It's a typical marriage, I've been there.

Charlie

Well, I haven't, but he's the President of the United States, so my guess is no, it's probably not a typical marriage.

Babish

Today, the President is going to direct the Attorney General to appoint a Special Prosecutor.

Charlie

Yes.

Babish

Now, you know what that means, right?

Charlie

Yeah.

Babish

Okay, so you'll need a lawyer.

Charlie

Actually, Mr. Babish, I don't think I need one.

Babish

You do.

Charlie

I think I'll be fine.

Babish

Really?

Charlie

Yeah.

Babish

He's going to ask you about everything you'd seen and heard since you started working at the White House.

Charlie

I can answer those questions truthfully.

Babish

Then he's going to call you back a month later and ask you the exact same questions. If your answers change even a little bit, he'll prosecute you for perjury.

Charlie

Mr. Babish...

Babish

Oliver's fine. Are you prepared to describe every conversation you've ever had with the President? Whether he asked you for an aspirin? Whether his hands quivered? Are you prepared to answer questions about your relationship with his youngest daughter? This is NFL football.

Charlie

When is this all going to happen?

Babish

I don't know.

Charlie

How can you not know?

Babish

Because grand jury investigations are secret.

Charlie

So they can just knock on my door one morning?

Babish

They will knock on your door one morning.

Charlie

How much? You know, how much do you think...

Babish

Assuming you did nothing wrong, saw nothing wrong and heard nothing wrong - about a hundred thousand dollars.

Bartlet

Did the Celtics win last night?

Charlie

No, they got crushed.

Bartlet

'Kay, when I say 'Did they win?' you can just say yes or no.

Charlie

They got pretty well crushed.

Sam

Celia, I asked Ainsley, and she said she didn't mind at all. Plus, Charlie said he's fine with it.

Charlie's a man.

Charlie

Damn right.

Ainsley

Sam.

Sam

Yes.

Ainsley

We need to be clear we're not going to take a bath when other countries can afford to take on more.

Sam

Yes.

Ainsley

This is important.

Sam

I also think it's important to make it clear that I'm not a sexist.

Charlie

And that I'm all man.

Ainsley

You're Celia?

Yes.

Ainsley

He's not a sexist.

If you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.

Ainsley

I'm sorry?

I said I'm surprised you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.

Ainsley

I don't even know what that means.

I think you do.

Ainsley

And I think you think I'm made out of candy glass, Celia. If somebody says something that offends you, tell them. But all women don't have to think alike.

I didn't say they did and when somebody said something that offended me, I did say so.

Ainsley

I like it when the guys tease me. It's an inadvertent show of respect I'm on the team and I don't mind it when it gets sexual. And you know why? I like sex.

Charlie

Hello.

Ainsley

I don't think whatever sexuality I may have diminishes my power. I think it enhances it.

And what kind of feminism do you call that?

Ainsley

My kind.

It's called Lipstick Feminism. I call it Stiletto Feminism.

Sam

Stilettos?

Ainsley

You're not in enough trouble already?

Sam

I suppose I am.

Isn't the point that Sam wouldn't have been able to find another way to be chummy with a woman who wasn't sexually appealing?

Ainsley

He would be able to, but that isn't the point. The point is that sexual revolution tends to get in the way of actual revolution. Nonsense issues distract attention away from real ones: pay equity, child care, honest-to-God sexual harassment, and in this case a speech in front of the U.N. General Assembly. So, you, [to Sam] 25% on the assessments for Category A. [To Charlie] You...I don't know what your thing is. [To Celia] And, you, stop trying to take the fun out of my day. With that, I'm going to get a cupcake.

Sam

Well, for the moment, I'm going to do what she's telling me to do.

Charlie

Look, C.J.–

C.J.

You'll find it in your filing cabinet under A for anal.

I don't really wanna know what he's going to find in his filing cabinet, do you?

No.

C.J.

So, how long do you usually make people your bitch?

Charlie

Depends.

Bartlet

Can I tell you what's messed up about James Bond?

Charlie

Nothing.

Bartlet

Shaken, not stirred, will get you cold water with a dash of gin and dry vermouth. The reason you stir it with a special spoon is so not to chip the ice. James is ordering a weak martini and being snooty about it.

Bartlet

I love doing this.

Charlie

Really?

Bartlet

Yeah.

Charlie

Filing tax returns?

Bartlet

Yeah.

Charlie

Okay.

Bartlet

What?

Charlie

I was just thinking about the plurality of Americans who made the decision to pull a lever that had your name next to it.

Bartlet

Suckers.

Charlie

They're saying I owe the federal government money?

Bartlet

And you don't even need a stamp. Hand it over.

Charlie

There's a mistake.

Bartlet

Whatever. Cough it up.

Bartlet

[about replacing Mrs. Landingham] So it's been a year. Why don't you organize the search, you know for a new Executive Secretary.

Charlie

Yes, sir. Absolutely.

Bartlet

I may not like the first couple of candidates. It may take a while.

Charlie

No, I don't imagine you're going to hire somebody sir, but this is a step in the right direction.

Bartlet

Is this a joke? If it's a joke, it's both funny and well-executed, but I think you and I both know that it's not. I send you out to replace Delores Landingham, and that's what you came home with?

Charlie

Was she...?

Bartlet

She was an alpaca farmer who needed two tries to get her own name.

Charlie

Well, sir, maybe...

Bartlet

Don't worry about it. I'm gonna get the Personnel Office on it. I got to go change for New York.

Charlie

Okay. Okay, that was my fault. I didn't properly prepare you for the meeting. That was bad staff work. Before your next job interview with the President, I'm gonna remind you that you probably don't want to be stoned.

There's gonna be a second interview?

Charlie

There's gonna be as many as it takes. We're gonna get this right.

Well, let me back you up a second. Have we done the first one yet?

Charlie

I'm calling a cab now.

Okay.

Bartlet

What's going on?

Charlie

Nothing, sir. [pause] I'll be arranging a second meeting with Deborah Fiderer when we get back to town.

Bartlet

From this afternoon?

Charlie

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

Are you pledging a fraternity or something, 'cause this would be a good one.

Charlie

Sir?

Bartlet

What's with you and this woman?

Charlie

She hired me. That's why she was fired.