The Vicar of Dibley · Season 1
(Geraldine has eaten three Christmas dinners and is at home, exhausted. The doorbell rings.)
I swear, if these are Jehovah's Witnesses I'm joining. Anything to get out of this village! You try to be nice to people, they turn you into the EC turkey mountain.
I believe this is your filling.
Oh... Thank you, Owen...
I'd have brought it sooner, but I've only just passed it.
Right... I won't be putting it right back in then...
[Geraldine has turned down Owen's proposal of marriage]
Promise me you're not too upset?
Well, I don't know yet how upset I am.
Well, not so upset you're going to go kill yourself or anything like that?
I haven't decided. But, before I do, answer me one question.
Oh, anything.
Right. Have you been drinking?
Have had one little dropsicle, yes.
Because if there's one thing I can't stand it's a woman who drinks. So, no, I'm not upset at all. In fact I'm very grateful to you from saving me from marriage to a lush who reeks of gin from dusk till dawn. Madam, I bid you farewell, you revolting old soak.
[Owen storms out]
That is one hell of a charming dude.
I think we have a caller on line one. Hello, caller.
Vicar, is that you?
It is indeed. Is that David Horton, local councilor, chairman of the parish?
You know bloody well who it is. I'm ringing up about this interview tomorrow.
David, I feel I should warn you, we are actually live on--
I'm cancelling. I'm sorry. I don't want that moron Alice asking me damn fool questions.
David.
And it's no good telling me you'll get someone else, because frankly they're all zombies. Frank, Newitt, Jim - I've got sheep who do a more probing interview. Have to cancel--talk to you later.
Uh, David. Just before you go, just between you and me, how are your hemorrhoids?
Well... They're terrible if you must know.
Aw. Really painful? Very embarrassing? Bit like a bunch of grapes hanging out your bottom?
... Yes, well it is actually. My lavatory hasn't know what's hit it in the last few weeks.
Aw. Aw. Well thank you, David "Hemorrhoid" Horton for sharing that with us live on the Dibley Radio call-in. Anything else you'd like to add?
[silence] ... [fake German accent] And this is Rory Bremner now, using my real voice. I bet I had you all fooled, eh? Ha ha ha!
Zombies? He's got nerve.
No, no, no, that's right. I'm not going to watch his show anymore.
Nor me.
Bloody Bremner!
You're on in fifteen seconds, Frank, and I need to hear a little bit for level, so tell us what you had for breakfast.
Toast.
Yeah... I need a little bit more than that, so just make something up, you know, let your imagination run wild.
Wild! Great. Two pieces of toast
Moving on. I have received an entry form for the Best Kept Village competition. Any thoughts?
Yes, tear it up.
I beg your pardon?
Months of effort and what would we win? Some pointless poncy piece of paper saying : Dibley, Best Kept Village.
No no no no, it's not just a bit of paper; it's a title, a trophy. It's a cheque for two hundred and forty thousand pounds, presented by the Duchess of Kent.
No, that's Wimbledon, Jim.
Yes, that is Wimbledon.
Oh, come on. We did all right last year.
We came fifty-fourth out of fifty-four!
Is that right?
Remember Denfield?
Well, how could one forget those poor people?
Yes. Who would have believed a lorry-load of BSE-infected toxic waste would have crashed into a nuclear fuel tanker causing a crater two hundred feet wide and the evacuation of the entire village?
And they came fifty-third.
Point taken.
[crumples the form]
Let's forget it.
Sex! Sex! Sex! That's all you get on television these days.
Is it?
It is on mine; I watch the Playboy channel.
For 10 points, which Tinker was commonly known as "Donkey Bonker"?
Let's move on to the Gala. Any progress there, or is the climax of our show still "Owen and his Amazing Farting Duck"?
Right, we've got a lot of stuff to get through tonight, so if I could ask you all not to waste time with the traditional distractions, repetitions and general annoyances that are the usual content of these parish council meetings.
Good idea.
You're the boss.
Excellent. Ready, Frank?
Absolutely.
Bravo! Point one: the Gala Night. I thought St. Valentine's Day with all the profits going to the upkeep of the village hall. Happy with that, Jim?
Yes.
Father.
Later, Hugo.
I didn't say anything.
What do you mean?
[his lips are not moving] Father. Father.
Oh no. It's a dream, isn't it?
[dressed as an angel] Yes, David, I'm afraid it is.
[Frank is on stage, doing an incredibly boring "impressions" routine]
[to David] I've got my shotgun in the van.
Load both barrels.
What's worse than not selling any tickets at all?
Well selling one ticket. But selling it to a serial killer.
No, no, no, no, th-that's right. Who comes on the stage, and slits all our throats, and then leaves us all in a great pool of blood!
Does anyone actually have this serial killer's address?
Why would anyone be stupid enough to want fame and fortune when you can have the stars at night and a proper friend by your side?
Oh, nice.
[about her wedding] It's all going to be so perfect.
Yes, although I have been having second thoughts about you wearing this dress.
Really? You think I should go nude?
It's a thought.
No, no , no. I just think it should be simpler, that's all.
Oh, you mean like, like lots of hearts or something.
Yeah, could be, yeah.
With a different Doctor Who in each one.
No!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Vicar of Dibley pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
