The Vicar of Dibley · Season 1
Well I've been married 43 years and the secret of a successful marriage Hugo, is sex and plenty of it.
Well, hooray.
With as many different women as possible.
Oh, God.
Especially orientals cos they can go on...
Thank you, Jim. What about you, Frank?
Well, I've never had sex with an oriental.
If any person here knows of any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
Yes!
[walks forward]
I do. The groom is already married.
[the congregation gasps]
He married me three years ago. And don't let him deny it! I've got the marriage certificate to prove it!
[after Hugo turns round to face her]
Oh... sorry. Wrong church.
I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour.
I've done the test and it said I wasn't pregnant. The hamster didn't turn blue or anything.
I'm not sure I'm familiar with this particular pregnancy test.
Oh, it's how we've always done it here in Dibley. You see, you get a hamster, and you wee on it, and if it turns blue you're pregnant.
Right.
We're sorry to trouble you at this time, Vicar. It's just that you know when you said that if we had a serious problem that should come and see you.
[uneasy] Yes
[serious] We need to see you now. Desperately.
[Geraldine begins to feel for them] Of course guys, of course. Come on in. Make yourself at home. Have a seat. Now tell me, what's the problem?
[shows a crossword] It's Seven Down.
[Frank and Jim have just found out that Geraldine is planning to sleep with Simon] Good luck vicar, I think he'll make you very happy.
Aw, thank you Frank.
And if he doesn't I'll have a go!
She's already missed one set of Sunday services and it's important she doesn't miss another.
Can I just say, um, that I thought Mr. Pickle gave a lovely sermon as lay preacher.
Yes, bravo. How you kept going for two and a half hours was amazing.
As I say, it's absolutely *vital* that she doesn't miss another Sunday. I need hardly remind you that we actually lost a couple of the older members of our congregation during last week's service.
Don't worry Frank, they were going to die anyway. And that fellow who stood up and said if this moron doesn't shut up soon I'm going to kill myself and then five minutes later shot himself in the head... well, he'd been gloomy for quite some time...
Let's just finish this conversation, before I stab you to death.
Now Alice. You're single, a virgin and yet pregnant.
That happened to my cousin Sally.
No it didn't, Owen.
Yes it did. She gave birth three times but she never ever had sex with a man.
Except me.
And me.
And me if I'm honest.
I'd just like to say. I'll be slaughtering Daisy here tomorrow, so do order your Christmas beef after the show.
Isn't there something we can do to help? After all, we are the three wise men.
No, no, no, we are the kings.
Oh, right!
Most kings are brain-dead, inbred cretins.
Aww the baby is sleeping. We must be really QUIET
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