SSea Captain
(Upon watching Jonas Venture Jr and Mrs. Impossible meeting) Hoo-ah, you can almost hear the old humpbacks a-callin'.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Phantom Limb and Dr. Girlfriend agree to a civil double date with The Monarch and some girl he met on LiveJournal in order to discuss The Monarch's official re-entry into the Guild of Calamitous Intent. Team Venture then become the unwitting pawns in a low-grade pissing contest when Phantom Limb sics the Guild's commandos on them to prove his dominance.
Rembrandt van Rijn — a hundred fifty years ago, Delacroix said of Rembrandt that his works would be held higher than those of Raphael. His blasphemous prophecy came true within fifty years, and this one could be yours for the pittance of 10 million, American.
MMafioso
No, I want the Mona Lisa.
Look, the Mona Lisa's not a better painting, it's merely a more famous one, and it was made more famous because it was stolen. And this was stolen, so...
MMafioso
What about her, ah, famous smile?
Whatever. She looks like a horse! It's - it's tiny, you know? Th-the thing is like this big.
MMafioso
Really?
Yes, really. So this is cheaper. By the... by the foot.
Oh fuck... great, I think I killed him.
#24, ready the Monarch-Mobile! Your leader has a date.
2#24
We kinda...don't have a Monarch-Mobile anymore.
Why the hell not?
2#24
We ditched it.
2#21
You know, the heat was on us after that Venture Brother thing, so we thought...
Alright fine, what are our options?
2#24
We can take my Nissan Stanza.
2#21
Oh, shotgun, called! Totally!
What color is it? Is it diabolical? Or at least butterfly colored?
2#24
It's powder blue. Mostly.
Great. 21, what do you drive?
2#21
His powder blue Stanza.
Lab shmab, I'm finished with work for today. No, I wanted the boys away because I made a discovery of the... non-scientific kind.
What'd you find? Are you okay?
Oh, I'm more than okay. While perusing TV guide, I found a little - shall I say - flick, starring a one miss Dolly Parton, meow. Yeah, it seems she made a racy film called The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.
Yeah, Doc, you're uh... gonna be disappointed there...
Don't ruin it for me. I have popcorn popping and the VCR set for stun! You wanna watch it with me?
Nah, I'm cool. I gotta drive the boys to dinner.
Oh, I get it! Yeah, those kind of films are meant to be watched solo a mano.
Yeah, that's it.
ODr. Orpheus
I have been attempting to stave off this awkward, yet necessary conversation.
Please. Dad.
ODr. Orpheus
This is my duty!
[Triana giggles]
ODr. Orpheus
What is funny about my duty? You know I take my duty quite seriously.
You said... [laughs] Never mind.
ODr. Orpheus
I share your nervousness, but there are certain facts that a father must impart to his daughter on occasions such as this- Oh yes, 'doody', clever.
Daaad.
ODr. Orpheus
Hear me out! [clears throat] When young women reach estrus, the, uhh, lignum, ummm, craves theeee stamen-like skills of the yonie. This is quite natural.
Dad. Come on. I'm doing you a favor.
ODr. Orpheus
Yes, yes, Mr. Venture has been kind enough to give me some leeway with the rent if I get the boys, as he says, 'out of his hair' for the evening. But as you know, tonight I teach conjuring at the new school.
It's not a problem. Kim and I could use a free dinner.
ODr. Orpheus
It's just that boys at their age have unchecked desires coursing, nay raging as a tempest would! Through their tingling nethers!
Come on, Dad. I'm going on a date with... the Venture brothers.
KKim
So, are the Venture Brothers cute?
Well, Dean...he's kinda cute. He dresses like Buddy Holly.
KKim
That's pretty cool.
Yeah, but I think he does it accidentally.
KKim
What about my date?
Hank? Well, he's blonde and more...like, athletic.
KKim
Sounds good. How does he dress?
Like Fred from Scooby-Doo.
2#21
Put in my mix tape; it's right on the dash. It's the one that says, Chillin' with My Peeps and My Main Man, The Monarch.
We have to stop and pick up my...date.
2#21
I thought Dr. Girlfriend was going to be there.
Yes, with that dick, Phantom Limb. I plan to use the never-fail strategy of jealousy!
2#24
Who's your date?
I met her on the LiveJournal, which I kept in prison. I have been blogging! After posting an especially attractive picture of my prison-sculpted abs, she commented that I was not only 'f0ine', I was 'teh sex', whatever that means...
Any advice, you know, this being our first big date and all?
Yeah. (Throws corsage from Dean's lap out the window)
No?
No. Don't pull out her chair, kiss her hand, or anything like that — it's kind of dorky. Just be yourself. Wait, here, take this (his wallet). It's got plenty of money in there, and it doesn't have a cartoon bee on it. Don't let them pay for anything, and if you end up going to, like, a movie or something, you call me on the two-way, okay?
What about me? Any advice to help me score with my mystery date?
Yeah, don't say "score" or anything close to "mystery date" in front of her, and don't do that "do you like seafood" joke either.
Can do, 'cause she would totally know that joke already.
THEY'RE HERE!
Dude, sit down. You have to play it cool. Observe how I scope out my mystery date whilst I pretend to look at my watch. (Sees Kim with Triana walking in) Holy moley, look at my date! She's a supervillain, possibly a Medusa. Dean, I am not kidding, she has rope for hair and a shiny costume. Aw, not fair, she's wearing goggles! Told you she would dig my Batman suit, but NO!
(sighing) Jollyrancher82, never get henchmen.
JJollyrancher82
You know, that's not my real name.
Well, how was I supposed to know? I used my real name.
JJollyrancher82
I just thought, you know... "The Monarch," I thought you were into cosplay...
Real name! And I am into costumed business, not costumed play. (seeing Dr. Girlfriend walk in) Shit! They're here! Fawn over me! Treat me as if I were candy!!
JJollyrancher82
Wow, she's gorgeous.
She is heat incarnate. When I met her, she looked like that girl Saffron from the band Republica. She had those red streaky things in her hair.
JJollyrancher82
I heard that she was (whispering) kind of manly.
That's ridiculous, who would say such things? The woman is a delicate flower. That chode she's with, that's Phantom Limb. When he was in college, he was a scrawny little wuss. In a desperate attempt to be cooler than guys like me, he had his 12-year-old roommate create a machine that speeds up the muscle building process. The machine worked so well that every molecule in his extremities was accelerated beyond the speed of light. There were two side effects. One! He could mess up a guy just by touching him. And two! He became a humorless dick!
2#24
(on Phantom Limb) How do you think he floats like that?
2#21
Well, he's not floating — his legs are invisible.
2#24
What?
2#21
Yeah. He used to be a good guy, actually. When he and Billy — that, you know, weird midget who won a bunch of money on Card Sharks — invented a time machine, he became a villain; and the way I heard the story is that the time machine was, like, broken or something, so Phantom Limb's arms and legs and Billy's hand were sent forty years into the future.
2#24
I loved Card Sharks.
2#21
It's a great show.
KKim
Wow, that guy's, like, just a torso.
Yeah, that's Phantom Limb. I don't think he professionally hates my dad, but he totally hates my dad. I think he used to be a famous magician. And one time, while performing for the Queen of England, he accidentally made his arms and legs disappear. They are now on the Moon with a bunch of rabbits and doves and...and playing cards and pretty assistants and some milk.
Never happened.
Did. I also heard he sliced off a kid's hand and ate it. Yeah, it was that big-headed guy that operated on your balls, Dean.
HANK, don't you have to go to the bathroom?
Whoa, what are you, psychic? I totally do — weird. Well ladies, it seems that young Dean here needs an escort to the bathroom. If there's any trouble, you just give the Hankinator a holler.
I need an immediate Blackout: 4 and a robot. Syndicate number: Victor. Echo. November. Seven. Niner.
Roger. Dispatching Blackout team now. (looks over at Ward whose playing with mp3 player) What are you doing?
WWard
I hate that song.
Hm. "Niner." Nice touch.
(about "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas") Brock, I am this close to seeing Dolly's goods. I mean, they can't sing forever. Honestly, this nonsense happens once a week. I'm not gonna... Why are you naked?
To prey on their fear, move like an animal, to feel the kill.
Alright, now you're scaring me. What's going on?
I dunno. (holding the decapitated head of a guild henchman) But judging from these goggles, it's The Guild. Seems like you made it to the big league, what'd you do?
Nothing! I was just sitting here, watching the worst porno ever. Is that a head?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Venture Bros. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.