TV show quotes
[The Alchemist enters wearing a flamboyant shirt]
Al, what is that? I need earplugs just to look at your shirt.
I'm in disguise as a paunchy gay guy who loves Jimmy Buffett. I thought you setting up an apparatus. That's a pilates mat and a baby's first birthday candle.
But being a magic super hero that keeps chasing the same guy? It’s completely gay. That is coming from a guy that voluntarily has sex with men!
And then, like that wasn't enough, I ended up with a raging case of crotch cricket. And did I get an apology? Hell no! I got a, "eh, I'll call you." (sighs) Still waiting for that chestnut.
Why would you do this?
What, be a henchman?
Yeah. Retardo costume, some skinny guy yelling at you all the time.
Dude, are you describing me or you?
I don’t wear a costume.
What, are you drunk? Where do you even buy a baby-blue kerchief? Heh - I just said “kerchief. Dude! What, does your dad use his time machine to go shopping?
(#24, nursing a bad hangover, is escorting Dean through the Cocoon corridor)
Are the walls titanium or made of secret rocket ship metal?
What? Who ca-.. Uh.. I know they're wicked easy to stain...
(trying to impress 24 with his knowledge) Hm. We can rule out any chromium-based metals. Those clean nicely with a damp cloth!
(exasperated) All right. I'll... "rule that out."
(awkward pause)
So uh... You, uh, like being a uh...
..A Dean?
Yeah. A Dean. That must kind of uh... suck...
Well after the party died down and you went to bed, y'know, some of us were still pretty wired and uh, so we decided to pick up a case and hit the tenderloin. Loin.
Mind you, we were pretty, wicked toasted by this point, which was when I spotted this tattoo parlor and I just had to get me some ink! See, I have had, like, this design in my wallet for, like, a year, but you know, that shit is permanent.
Ah, he never had the balls.
Guilty! But once this Cowardly Lion got some courage from The Wizard of Booze, we went in there! And -- stand by..."
(Henchman #21 turns and vomits on the floor)
The Council of 13 has reviewed your request and it is denied. You are to commit no acts of vengeance against the Monarch. It matters not that you were dumped. And that's kinda... you know...
I understand, Sovereign.
May I suggest you start a journal? There you could pour out your woes upon the tears-stained pages of "dear diary."
That is an excellent suggestion, my liege.
Or maybe go jogging with friends.
I shall do just that! You honor me, my master.
So I have your word then? No movement on the Monarch?
You have my word.
Excellent! Well, I'm glad we got this wrapped up! I've got a wedding to get to... oh, uh... I'm gonna go.
(Phantom Limb's helicopters descend on The Cocoon seconds before the priest declares The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend man and wife)
Monarch, this is the Phantom Limb. You are surrounded.
OH! DICK MOVE!
(Faking Russian accent) Hello-ski, I am, how you say...Russian-guy-o-vich!
[various henchmen are crawling around in pain, there are bachelor party decorations torn up on the walls]
Oy, he's gonna kill us. Maybe if we beg for mercy.
Oh god, let him. It would be such sweet release from this torture we've brought upon ourselves. Oh fuck it, you kill me. Just don't hit my head or make too much noise doing it.
I have an idea, chunk. :[the camera pans over to reveal Brock is in a holding cell] You open this door and I'll kill ya.
What. Did. We. DO?!?
Oh shit, I thought I dreamt that part.
No way! Is that...
[Snarling] David...Bowie.
Brock Samson. It's been a while.
Not long enough. Your lucky I don't kill you right here after what you pulled in Berlin.
[Iggy Pop and Klaus Nomi jump in front of Bowie, acting as his bodyguards]
You're welcome to try.
[At The Aisle]
[Gasps] Oh! There she is! [Whispering] Hi, Pookums!
You know I feel so dirty, when they start talking cute.
Get used to it!
I wanna tell her that I love her... but, that point is probably moot.
...Are you reciting "Jessie's Girl"?
Brock Samson, slayer of men. Slayer of hench men.
[Phantom Limb is outside his garden bird shooting]
Apparently, you lost your hearing as well as your arms. I said I'm getting married to your girlfriend!
Yes, yes. I heard you.
You surprise me, Limb. You're taking this pretty well. I thought you'd try to kill me.
I'm no fool, Monarch. You don't live with a woman and not know when this is coming. You don't dine on the bounty of a woman's flesh and not know what she's thinking.
OK, OK.
You don't drive your manhood over and over into a woman and...
Yes, stop. I get it! Just give me her shit and let me go. She needs something old.
In due time. I thought we'd have a nice chat first. There's one. [Shoots Mr. Monday]
Was that Mr. Monday?
Oh yes. You two were in prison together, were you not?
I saw him... around. I think.
You'd be surprised at the array of wildlife here on the grounds. Wonder what other game we could scare up. [Shoots Dr. Septapus out of the tree]
Dr... Septapus?
Oh, don't tell me, Not another one of your former prison mates? What are the odds? [Shoots him again]
All right, Limb. What's going on here?
Just disposing of some vermin. Terrible, the havoc they can wreak on a meticulously manicured lawn, you know. [Shoots White-Noise]
OK, OK, fine. So what did you do? Bust all these guys out of jail just to show me how ruthless you are?
What do you take me for, a common thug? Of course not. I hired them an excellent appeals attorney. And there he is.
[Tiny Attorney appears naked out of the bush]
Please! Phantom Limb! I did everything you asked!
[Phantom Limb shoots him]
I'm a reasonable man, Monarch. But don't think for a moment that I will forget this. Revenge, like gazpacho soup is best served cold, precise and merciless.
Oh, yeah. You can never have enough precision in your soup. Look, nut-job, I hate these traitorous dinks more than you do! So shoot whoever you want.
[Phantom Limb intensely points the shotgun at Monarch’s face]
Go. Her shit is by the door in a box marked ”Hers.”
As Phantom Limb makes his stunning power play, only Brock can rally The Monarch’s forces to mount a defense. The fate of almost everyone in the Venture universe hangs in the balance as The Sovereign reveals his true identity and guys and stuff explode all over the place.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Venture Bros. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
