(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)
I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers.
Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that...
Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?
(to Geoff Holhurst) How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and what fucking FLAVOUR is it?
(on the phone to Emma) Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! (beat) Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system.
GHGeoff Holhurst
(to Malcolm) Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1.
(on the phone to Emma) Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night?
(to Geoff) You're worse than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures.
(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)
Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello.
(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)
Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss?
Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss?
That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you.
But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss?
I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this.
Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you...
(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)
What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...
(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)
But is that your answer? Is that your answer?
Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it.
You'll get someone to note my case?! Nobody's noted my case!
(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)
STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?
(stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...
OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts.
The minister would love to know the facts.
There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two!
(to Hugh, quietly) Give her a smile...
(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)
WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING!
(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)
Glenn? Is she still saying it?
Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment?
(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)
Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...
The thing is: Don't panic.
(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)
...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS!
(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)
CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please!
(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)
Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up.
Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that?
(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)
(to Christian Holhurst) Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.
(Ollie's cell phone rings...)
(answering his phone) Ollie Reeder? (beat) Um -- Sorry, who is this?
CHChristian Holhurst
(to Jamie and Malcolm) Obviously, he knew, but...
(on his phone) No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. (Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.) Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?
(to Christian) Well, you-you do talk to your dad?
(on his cell) Well, how did you get...
(to Christian) NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer!
(on his cell) Please don't be aggressive. I will call back.
(to Christian) You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian.
(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm & Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)
(introducing himself to Mark) Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone.
Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing.
(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)
Do you see what I have to work with?
MMark
I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he?
(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)
(to Mark's assistant) That shot, are you going to use that?
(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)
This isn't in the package, is it, Mark?
(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)
(to Mark's assistant) You're not using that. You can't use that. (to Mark) This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way.
MMark
Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.
Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.
MMark
I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.
But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman?
MMark
I'm sure my researchers have, yes.
Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have.
(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)
(to Ollie) We need you to fuck Hugh for us. (beat) Okay?
(to Ollie) I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? (Ollie agrees) Good lad. Okay, see you later.
(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair) Oh nice, very nice.
WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!
When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!
Fuck's sake. (Ollie answers his phone) Oliver Reeder.
Have you sorted it, Ollie?
It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –
Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?
You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.
Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. (Ollie hangs up) Dickwad. (Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it) Oliver Reeder.
Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?
I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –
WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
(Ollie hangs up) Fuck's sake! (His phone rings yet again. He answers) I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? (beat) Yeah. Yeah, Solaris, here we come. Bye.
(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)
Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss?
No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know.
Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss?
No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship.
No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss?
(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)
All right, folks, here we go.
(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)
NANews Announcer
Tonight, dramatic pictures...
(The newsroom office cheers.)
NANews Announcer
...of voter anger over the NHS.
(happily) Anything other than Number One spot is a big win.
NANews Announcer
...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.
(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)
CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?
(quite amused) Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! (to Ollie) Hey, good photo.
Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.
What fantastic landscaping...
(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)
(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)
Who do you think looked worse? You or me?
Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really.
(quiet, but annoyed) Great.
(Glenn's cell phone rings.)
(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)
I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. (Glenn's cell phone rings again.) They are all over me like shingles!
(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)
Yeah, it'll probably be fine.
(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)
(in a voicemail) Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very Malc-iavellian, if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.
(in a voicemail) Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you.
(deleted scene)
Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.
Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. (Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it) Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: (laughs slightly) I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, (grabs Frankie's head) and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!
