TV show quotes
(to Ollie) Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently.
Thank God I'm safe.
(annoyed) Je- We know you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word "safe," like bloody Jim Bowen!
[imitating Jim Bowen presenting Bullseye)] Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady?
(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)
Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something.
Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa.
(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)
(silently, to himself) For fuck's sake...fuck. (to Ed) This is gonna split our vote.
Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley.
No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys.
What do we do?
We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.
You want to send Tom up there?
Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah?
I don't really have any choice, do I?
Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.
(Pause) Yes. (Beat) In my own voice.
(on the phone) Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. (enters Nicola's office) You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. (hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn) Oh hey, Yoko Ono and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.
(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)
Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?
(waiting for a lift) Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, A Beautiful Mind, the one with that, err, Russell Crowe? The one where the maths guy thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.
No. I'm not the mad one here. You are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.
No, no, no, no, you are Russell Crowe. (waves patronisingly at her) And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old cobber. (enters the lift) The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?
What, now?
Err, if you can spare the time!
Err, no. (pause) No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.
(incredulous) You're what?
Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just... don't do lifts, that's all.
But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats!
It's about not being able to get out.
Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking mental! Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking omnishambles, that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: "from bean to cup, you fuck up".
(to herself, returning to her office) He so is Russell Crowe!
(at her desk, overhearing) Who?
(deleted scene)
Where the fuck is Doug Hayes?
Yes, we put in a lot of calls.
Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'.
(deleted scene)
Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for Bupa, don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.
Oh!
Don't send your children to independent schools.
Don't dig up Diana and have Patrick Moore play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.
(deleted scene)
Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage;
'I'm not really good with cages', (impersonates Malcolm) 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'
(sighing) Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.
Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.
Yes, but Disraeli's dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?
(deleted scene)
It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.
Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best Lidl in the West Midlands.
(deleted scene)
(at the poster launch in Leamington) And we need to be investing, er, at least –
Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?
(on the phone) Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.
Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.
(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be "sacked.")
You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is.
(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)
It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, "Fourth in the Sack race." I think we should complain to the PCC.
Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like he's fucked up.
I'm not doing terribly, am I?
(beat)
(looking out of the car window) I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so clean!
I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum.
Smug.
Smug?
Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum.
'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.
Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. (to Nicola's driver) Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's Shadow Cabinet.
(to Nicola) I have here the minutes which are a record and –
No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file.
Do you know, Malcolm? (Malcolm stares back, gravely) Er, the best way to clear a paper jam?
I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)
So. Malcolm --
Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax.
(to Robyn) Does he know? Well, follow him.
(still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn.
(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)
(on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...
(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)
Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...
What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run.
Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete!
(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)
Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring?
(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)
(annoyed) WHAT? (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. (to Nicola and the team) Two minutes and I will be back.
(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)
Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis?
I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me.
What?
(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)
(still laughing) I'm protecting you.
Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up.
Well, that may or may not be true.
Well, it is true.
Well, it may or it may not be true.
Well, that is true.
Malcolm (arriving at Nicola's Guardian lunch): Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not Viagra. Geoffrey. (shakes hands)
Always a pleasure.
Good to see you. John, how are you doing? (John gets up to shake hands) I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.
Oh, thank you very much!
Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!
(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)
FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to check who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU SO DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know when to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go "Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!" Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. (Nicola tries to speak) FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!
(Today is the day of the big Party Conference.)
(on his cell phone) We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to cross the floor. I think we should use the carrot-and-stick approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Thick Of It pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
