(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)
Hey! 2000 Year Old Man! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!
Terri and I sent what you gave me.
(in hysterical disbelief) Terri?! Why the fuc– THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO SHOOT ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, (points to his eye) RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, CALLED TERRI!
(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking) I am actually here, you know!
Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)
(singsong) Fuck you very much! (to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange) Five minutes, guys, yeah?
CThe Carers
(moaning) Thanks.
(quietly to Glenn) Glenn...what about my tea shop?
(sarcastically) It got closed! There's been a murder!
In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see from space, IT'S GOING TO BE SPACE! BRIAN COX IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!
ANYTHING! If I find out that anyone from here has leaked anything, I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!
But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!
No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! (mobile rings) Oh, Christ. (answers) Hello, Malcolm!
Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.
Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.
Yes. You sound really shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.
Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
(Fergus and Adam burst in)
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!
(restraining Fergus) All right, Fergus. (calmly) What the fuck is going on?
The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!
There's gonna be an inquiry.
(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)
Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then – it bursts! And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?
This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes.
(sarcastically) Yeah, well...Whereas your closet is completely free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex.
(deleted scene)
(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)
Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.
All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.
This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.
Yeah, what does that tell you?
(deleted scene)
But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and Julian Fellowes has written a fucking shit drama about it.
