Muriel quotes from The PJs

HUD Lady

[on Jimmy's application as Thurgood's new supervisor] It was the most organized and professional application we ever received. It made the choice easy.

Thurgood

You hear that, Jimmy? You got it! You're my new boss! Congratulations! Raise the roof! Raise the roof!

HUD Lady

Not him. We hired the person who filled out the application.

Muriel

Hi, Thurgood! Guess what? I'm your new boss!

What?!

Muriel

Thurgood, thank God you're home. We have a thief in the building.

Thurgood

Really? Well, guess what? We also have stairs in the buildin'. And-- brace yourself-- we also have a roof!

Mrs. Avery

He stole my necklace of precious stones! Every one I passed was a five-hour labor of love!

You're still wearin' that sweatsuit I bought you on our trip to Paris!

Thurgood

[gasps] Paris? Is that were you were that summer? You wrote me and told me you was at Camp Elsie!

Muriel

That was the Champs-Élysées.

Muriel

Who was the sixteenth President of the United States?

Haiti Lady

Um...

Muriel

Abe...

Haiti Lady

Vigoda?

Calvin

Our school is tryin' to start a library. Any books that you could donate would be greatly appreciated.

Muriel

I don't understand. Why don't you all use the public library?

Calvin

They closed it. We heard they're gonna tear it down.

Thurgood

What?! They closed the library?! Now, see, that just ain't right. Where the hell are all the homeless people supposed to take their naps? Somethin' oughta be done.

Jimmy

I'll tell you why they closed that library. There's nothin' scarier to a man than a brother with a book.

Thurgood

Yeah, that's deep. Where you hear that?

Jimmy

Rerun said it on What's Happening!!.

Muriel

Thurgood, you're related to somebody very, very famous!

Thurgood

Oh my God. Oh my goodness, really, who is it? Who is it? Who is it?! Let-- no, let me guess. I wanna guess. Somebody famous, someone famous. Who could that be? Uhm... Famous Amos!

Muriel

Lemme give you a hint: it's someone who lived in the 18th century.

Thurgood

Look, is it or is it not Famous Amos?

Muriel

No, it's not.

Thurgood

Okay, well, you didn't say that?!

Muriel

It's Thomas Jefferson!

Muriel

[persuading Thurgood not to burn the stolen toilet paper] Don't fight it, Thurgood. It'll be much easier if you just join us.

Walter

The lady's smart, Thurgood. Now, you be smart, too. Just give us the white and nobody gets hurt but you.

Thurgood

Just look at you! Look at all of you! You're pathetic! You should be ashamed, because you was this close to takin' the life of a fellow man! Not for honor, not for freedom, not even for sneakers! You was gonna commit murder for THIS! [holds up roll of toilet paper]

Mrs. Avery

He's got our toilet paper! Kill him!

Muriel

What is that? What's going on?

Thurgood

There's only one logical explanation: the mothership has landed, just like Bootsy predicted!

Muriel

I'm sure it's not aliens; it's probably just the police. Goodie, come back to bed.

Thurgood

Look, I'll be back in a few minutes, but now, it is my celestial duty to spread my funk throughout the universe.

Muriel

Thurgood, you've been out all night!

Thurgood

Well, we had to wait for Juicy to sober up so he could drive us home.

Muriel

Thurgood!

Thurgood

I know, I know. We stayed out too late, but he'd never seen an R-rated movie, so we took him to the late show of American Booty.

Calvin

You mean to tell me he saw bare boobies while I'm washin' out Super's racin' stripes?!

Thurgood

Are you bakin' my favorite cake?

Muriel

Well, Thurgood, it is my birthday.

Thurgood

Boy, you only know one tune. "My birthday. My side of the bed. My underwear!"