TV show quotes
[Fran walks in in a svelte black number]
Wow, Fran, you look so hot in that dress!
Uh-oh, I'm supposed to look like Ms. Babcock. I tried to dress conservatively. Niles, can you picture Ms. Babcock in this dress?
Not if I ever want to function as a man again.
Okay, Niles, I'm off to be Ms. Babcock. Help me get into character. Hit me with your best shot.
Oh, no, Ms. Fine. I couldn't possibly.
C'mon! Hello, hello, I'm C.C. Babcock, off to go to work.
In your usual corner? [Stops] I'm sorry, Ms. Fine. Don't make me do this.
I'm Ms. Babcock and I'm off to get money from a man.
Don't forget your change belt. [Stops again] I hate myself... Do it again.
No, I have to go.
Oh, c'mon, one more, I'm hot!
All right and I'll make this one easy. Niles, get me a drink. I'm dog-tired.
[Thinks hard]
C'mon... I don't hear anything... Niles, get a life. [Leaves]
I got it! I got it! [Opens the door and shouts] I'll leave the lid up on the toilet bowl! [Apologetically] Officer.
Honey, I think you should hike up your pants a little bit.
No, Fran, this is cool.
No, honey, this is the Maytag repair man.
Maggie, who does Ms. Babcock hate more, me or Niles?
Whoa! God, this is hard. She hates both your guts.
Yeah, but I make her nauseous.
I make her drink.
This will be a great party. A bunch of 60-year-old ladies pinching my cheeks.
Learn to love it. That's as close to a woman as you'll ever get.
[Fran and C.C. are locked in the wine cellar]
These are the topics we can no longer discuss: what Woolite can and cannot do, anyone with the last name "Cassidy", odd-shaped moles on Eastern Europeans...
All right, okay, but you're really restricting the conversation.
What do I have to do to please anyone around this house?!
[Warningly] Niles...
But, sir. Fish gotta swim.
Control yourself, man.
Very well, sir. [as C.C laughs] Lemon? [Squeezes lemon into C.C's eye]
If we've got Jack, we got a success. I'll bet my reputation on it!
Oh, I'm sorry, there's a $5 minimum.
[As Niles turns around, C.C. takes her lapel pin and jabs Niles in the backside with it]
AHH!
Nanny Fine, you're alone with the kid for two minutes and he wants to quit show business?!
If only we could put her in a room with Tori Spelling.
I could kill you. I could rip out your heart with my bare hands!
...She doesn't have a key to the house, does she? Oh, Mr. Sheffield, maybe it's all for the best.
No, it is not all for the best, Miss Fine; it is not all for the best at all!
But you yourself said that the kid was a pain in the butt!
Alright, Miss Fine, let me see if you can follow this, hmm? Sky: blue! Fire: hot. Actor: pain in the butt! You are going to rectify this situation.
Wow, that sounds painful...
. . .
You are going to march yourself upstairs, put on something smashing, take him to the best restaurant in town and order the most expensive thing on the menu!
Well, all right. But I'm not taking the limo!
Oh, yes, you are!
Slave driver! [Leaves and returns] But there is no way you are buying me a new dress!
Oh yes— [Realizes what's going on] GET OUT!
Niles, did my mother call?
Well, I'm not sure. There was one call. A sob, a sigh and a long plaintive "oooooooyyyy."
Either that's her or AT&T is really depressed that we switched to Sprint. I can't believe she would stoop to prank guilt calls.
How low can she go?
You're talking about a woman who can grow a tumor on command.
This should be quite a dinner. Miss Fine not speaking to her mother, Miss Margaret not speaking to you. That'll leave the bulk of the conversation to you and Sylvia.
Oh, God.
Oh, sir, it won't be that bad. You'll tell her how you got started in theater and she'll tell you how she removes unwanted hair.
[Seeing C.C. on the floor] Cheers! Must be 5 o'clock somewhere.
I haven't been drinking, Nanny Fine. I just slid off the couch.
And Ted Kennedy's nose is just sun-damaged.
Just for the future, Mr. Sheffield, when the kids say: "Fran said no", that's the big robot going: "Danger, Will Robinson!"
You know, I could have stayed in England.
I'll make it simple for you. Children are like a brassiere.
[With a pained look on his face] One part of me says, "Get out the window, quick!" But the other part just has to know why.
Because they divide and separate.
Ah!
Your mother never told you that?
No, but we always thought Mummy should have talked more about her underwear.
Max what are we really talking about here, I mean in one word.
Support.
Good, Fran in one word.
One word? (Laughs) Good Bloody luck (Continues to laugh and smile, Looks at Fran then looks at Sally and the Audience and nods his head)
Hey mister (Max looks at Fran while still smiling) they had to turn the music on to get you off the stage at the Tony awards (Fran points at Max and makes a talking motion with her hand, Max takes a deep breath and looks at Fran then the audience)
Kids, Maxwell will you at least concede that perhaps you could have been a little bit more sympathetic to Fran's feelings on the Picket line?
Well I suppose I, maybe i Might could have been (making faces the whole time)
I missed that Sally your gonna have to send me a transript
Well look it was a very important night for me, your important to me, ergo i wanted you there
Ergo, who's ergo? (Max looks at Fran)
Sally Sally, Girlfriend, Did you hear what the man just said? he said your important to him.
(looking at Max) it that what you said?
(looking at Fran) Yes
Well why can't they just communicate, you know if we were running the world (referring to women) there would be no wars, Right girls? (all the women in the audience agree).
But because, because there would be so much bloody talk there would be no time for war, isn't that true gentlemen? (nobody in the audience agree's with him except Niles and Brighton)
What did I tell you about snooping?
That there should always be a lookout.
Good! Go wait in the hall.
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