Niles quotes from The Nanny

Fran

Oh, Niles, it's so hard planning a vacation when you're single.

Niles

Yes, it's so much nicer when you have a family so you can lug their ski equipment around Vale, sit around the fire listening to "Niles, get me a brandy!" "Niles, get me a comforter!" "Niles, go out in that blizzard for a PIZZA!"

Niles!

Niles

WHAT... is that on your shoe, sir? Let me get that for you.

Niles

She's only happy when she's making everyone around her miserable.

Fran

Sounds like my mother.

Niles

Be careful. She's 2000 pounds with arms like a wrestler.

Fran

Oy, she is my mother.

Maggie

Dad, Fran's picture is in Gloss magazine!

Well, what's so bad about that? She'll be thrilled. What, eyes closed, bad angle?

Maggie

[shows the magazine] She's a fashion "don't".

What's that to do with me?

Maggie

Read the caption.

"Who let her out of the house with that purse?" [gives a yell of horror]

Oh, I just remembered the charity: asthma.

Niles, get this piece of trash out of here!

Niles

[To C.C.] You heard the man. Move it!

Have I let my judgement be impaired by my feelings for Ms. Fine?

Niles

What feelings are those, sir?

Well, you know—

Niles

No, I don't, sir.

Oh, c'mon, Niles—

Niles

But you'd feel so much better if you just said it.

Perhaps you're right! Maybe I should just admit that—

Fran

[Enters] Knock-knock!

Niles

Oh, WAIT!!

Oh, look at the time. Where did the day go?

Niles

Time flies when you're being unreasonable... sir.

Can you imagine Ms. Fine thinking I'm predictable! Me! Mr.—

Niles

[In unison] —Spontaneity.

Niles, you don't think I'm predictable, do you? [Niles shows his sign: "Of course not, sir"] Well, predictable is good, predictable is solid... Oh, God, even I knew I was going to say that.

Niles

If I were you, sir, I'd do something before she wakes up in the bedroom of another man... sion.

Niles, I want her to be happy here. How do you suppose I go about satisfying Ms. Fine?

Niles

[Awkward silence] Well, the second way, sir—

Niles!

Niles

Just shake it up, sir! Do something wild, out there, totally unexpected, I don't know. Give me a bonus!

C. C.

[to Niles] Listen, Flavio...I wanna be alone with Maxwell tonight. What's it gonna cost me to make you disappear?

Niles

Try fifty bucks.

Done!

Niles

[After C.C. gives him $50 dollars] ...No, didn't work, I'm still here.

Niles

I think Ms. Fine made it up that your hair is thinning because you weren't sympathetic to her problem.

That's because she doesn't have a bloody problem! Look, Niles, she's a young beautiful woman. What do I have to do to convince her she's desirable?!

Niles

Oh, sir, I'm sure you'll think of something. [Sprays cologne on him] After all, you're a man, she's a woman, fill in the blanks. The children are at the school, she's lying on the sofa and if all else fails, what would Pierce Brosnan do?

[Covered with egg yolks and broken egg shells] Maxwell, you've got to do something about that woman. There are people out there throwing EGGS! [Grabs a towel and walks off.]

Niles

...What? Everyone else was doing it.

C.C., life is short. You should go back to doing what you were doing when you were young.

Niles

Sir, there's so little call nowadays for Civil War nurses.

Fran

Ooh, croy-sants!

Niles

[correcting her] Croissants. I never thought I'd say this to you but more nasal.

Who told you to call the doctor?

Niles

Ms. Fine.

Well, excuse me but when did she become master of the house?

Niles

Three years ago September.

Fran

Niles, I was thinking Mr. Sheffield was right. If I help Brighton with his project, it's only going to hurt him.

Niles

You've already gotten involved and screwed up?

Fran

Yeah.

[Condescendingly to a depressed Niles] Oh dear, Niles, what is it this time? Your job? Your weight? No future?

Niles

Actually, I was just wondering why I don't have a social life but you cleared that right up for me. Thank you, sir.

Niles

Would you like some more, Sylvia?

Sylvia

What, did we just meet?