Mr. Sheffield quotes from The Nanny

oeh, i have located the black box [holds up some kind of computer] i can't believe he just leaves it lying around [Fran squeals, Maxwell walks in and Fran quickly sits on a drawer]

Fran

Miss Babcock...Babs baby [Maxwell stands next to C.C.]

ssshhh

Fran

Babi honey

No it's alright i do this all the time [Fran makes a face as Maxwell looks shocked] how do you think i now were he is every minute? Now what was his password?

Busted?

No Maxwell would never [turns] oeh, Maxwell i uh was just looking for the [mumbles something] file and i just rememberd where i left it [walks out]

Stay out of the guestroom! [C.C. quickly walks the other way]

So what brings you here, Miss Fine? [sits on his desk]

Fran

Oh, nothing.

Maxwell

Children are doing well?

Fran

Uh huh.

Maxwell

Household running okay?

Fran

Oh yeah.

Maxwell

Anything on fire?

Fran

No, no.

Maxwell

Then get out!

Niles, get that hideous thing off the terrace, would you?

Niles

[To C.C.] Mr. Sheffield wants you to get off the terrace.

So, Ms. Fine, back from the batting cages. How did my boy do?

Fran

Well... He made contact with the ball. And, er, he'll have a great career if the Bee Gees ever get back together.

C. C.

Niles, pour me some more tea. [Niles ignores her and continues chopping vegetables] I want some more tea, Niles. [Niles continues to ignore her.] You are a butler, now buttle!

Niles

Would you like some tea, Miss Babcock?

You know damn well I want some more tea, you imbecile, now pour!!

C.C.!

Maxwell!

Don't speak to Niles like that; poor man isn't a mind-reader!

But... But, Maxwell—!

Niles

Oh, it's alright, sir. Perhaps my hearing isn't what it once was. Forgive me.

Fran

Mr. Sheffield, the only thing that Andrew Lloyd Webber has that you don't is a middle name.

I've got a middle name.

Fran

Well, there you are! What is it?

Beverly.

Fran

Moving on.

Niles

Oh dear. That was the last apple.

Oh, I'm sorry, old man. Did you want it?

Niles

Well, yes, sir, but I didn't realize I wanted it until someone else had sunk his teeth into it and now it's too late. It was right there in front of me. If only I snatched it up when I had the chance, I wouldn't have this aching hunger.

Good God, man, have a bloody pear!

Niles

Oh dear. That was the last pear.

Fran

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want it?

Niles

Well, yes, but I didn't realize I wanted it until someone else had sunk his teeth into it.

Fran

You snooze, you lose.

Fran

Alright while your here, do you think I should take this back [holds up a sparkly top, not noticing that she isn't wearing a shirt]

Uh, I think you should put it on...

Fran

No, I already had it on, it flattens out my br-. [notices she's in her bra and screams] Mr. Sheffield! Why didn't you say anything?!

Well, I uh...I didn't notice!

Fran

You didn't- you know now I'm beginning to wonder about you to! [gets stuck in her shirt] Oh I can't get it on, I'm stuck, help me.

Oh, relax Miss Fine we'll get it on [Niles walks by and stares with shock as Maxwell tries to take her shirt off]

Fran

Oh Mr. Sheffield I'm so hot!

I can't do this standing up, just...just get on the bed! [sits her down on the bed and sits on top of her]

[ gets it off and she falls on the bed, his mouth falls open in shock as he looks up and sees Niles, Fran notices too]

Niles

...If you let me tell Miss Babcock about this, I'll work free for a year.

[walks in the kitchen, Niles is writing something] Well, I couldn't be happier that Nanny Fine finally found a man. Oh, what are looking so smug about?

Niles

Oh, just an incident in Miss Fine's room last night.

With her and Kurt?

Niles

No, with her and another man.

Ooo, I love it. Tell me, tell me!

Niles

Oh no, I couldn't possibly. I swore I wouldn't say a word. [rips off a note] Read this.

[reads the note] ...WHY?! [her head falls down on the counter] I wanna die!

Niles

There, there, [puts a knife into her purse} now don't do anything rash... [Maxwell walks in]

Hello C.C.

You animal! [walks out]

Niles?!

Niles

[innocently] Sir?

You didn't say anything to Miss Babcock about last night, did you?

Niles

[innocently] No, you told me not to.

(looking closely at a picture) Aha, just as i thought, Kurt's teeth are capped.

What?

I'm not making it up, look, look you can see the little ridges. (holds the picture to her face)

Maxwell, what is wrong with you today? If you're not gonna pay any attention to me, i might as well just go home.

Niles

(opens the window and wistles) TAXI?

C. C.

What did I do?

Fran

Ms. Babcock, your coat. New Zealand Lamb?

So?

Fran

Maybe she had people there?!

Take. It. Off.

Niles

Three words she doesn't hear often. [Niles & Lamb Chop fist-pump together]

Niles, isn't that sweet? You're bonding with the sheep. Not the first one, I'm sure.

Niles

Bravo. You win. Every dog has her day.

Well congratulations Miss Fine, you were right about your sister. Is there anyone in your family that isn't a complete lunatic?

Fran

Hey! I'll have to get back to you with that one, but hey!

No what i want right now is to be in a pub with my hands wrapped around a tall larger

Fran

A larger? Do the kids know that you're considering an alternate lifestyle?

It's a beer, Miss. Fine.

Fran

Oh well speak english

If you had absolutely no intention of going through with this album cover in the first place. What are we arguing about?

Fran

Well i have no idea i can't shake the image of you picking up Paul Bunyan in a bar

God, it would be easier to have them raised by wolves.

Ms. Fine, I heard about the contest and I just can't bear the thought of you feeling badly about yourself.

Fran

Thank you, Mr. Sheffield. That's awfully sweet of you but, really, there's nothing you can say or do that's gonna make me feel any better.

Well then, I suppose I'd be wasting my breath if I told you no girl could possibly be a match for a woman like you.

Fran

I'd give it a shot.

I think you are one heck of a kisser... I can't remember being kissed like that... With such passion, such abandon, such... suction.

Fran

Well, Danny used to call me his little Dirt Devil.

C. C.

[Sees Maxwell and Fran in bed] AHHHHHHH!!!!

[jolted awake] C.C.? What the devil are you doing in here?

What am I doing in here?? Wh-what is...SHE doing in here?!

[Sees he's in bed with a woman] Oh...[Looks to see who it is] Ahh! Ms. Fine!

Fran

[Stirs awake, looks at Maxwell sleepily] Oh, I'm having that dream again...[Reaches out and touches Maxwell's cheek, realizes it's actually him] AHH! MR. SHEFFIELD! [Gathers the bedsheets around herself while scrambling out of the bed] WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN–[Looks around] your room?

Niles

[To a wide-eyed, shocked C.C.] Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you.

WOULD YOU ALL KINDLY GET OUT OF MY ROOM?!

Niles

[Follows a still shocked C.C. out] Happy Birthday, Ms. Babcock...

Fran

Listen I can't really explain it, but all I know is that the next morning my ears always itch. (Maxwell looks confused) Oh what, like you don't have a thing?

Alright, I sing.

Fran

Any particular song or do you just scat? (eating a scone)

(sighs) "Georgy Girl".

Fran

Really? Jee I've been working here for two years and never once heard ya sing- (realizes, Maxwell looks at her annoyed) Eeeh, great scones.

After all nothing happened right?

Fran

Right. (They smile, and both walk to opposite sides of the wall, both looking in a mirror)

(starts to sing while Fran itches her ears) "Hey there, Georgy girl, what a nice day to-" (both realize)