Bette Porter quotes from The L Word

What were you doing last night around 9:15?

Alice

I don't know. Um... I think brushing my teeth.

Did you feel anything? Because I was sending you Reiki.

Alice

Oh, my god. Did you say 9:15?

Tina

[whispers to Bette] Reiki, isn't that boring?

Bette

[whispers back] Really boring. Write it down.

Alice

[to Lenore] Woo hoo, congratulate me. I got my period.

Bette

So why are we congratulating you?

Alice

[searching for words] Huh?... Cause I love getting my period.

Lenore

She does. Ever since she was a kid.

Alice

Right. Yeah, no. Cause it reaffirms my womanhood. I like to celebrate it to, you know, show women everywhere it's a blessing, it's not a curse.

[in jail] Aren't you going to sit down?

Bette

I can't.

Why?

Bette

I can't sit near you.

Bette

[about Ivan] She's madly in love with you, you know.

Kit

No, he's not, we're friends, he helps me out with stuff.

Bette

That's because she is in love with you, and she wants to be your husband.

Bette

Tina... I didn't try to see you or call you until now because I wanted to make sure that I could do what you asked of me. I promise, I'm never going to see Candace again. I'm never going to speak to her again. I'm never ever going to think about her again. I miss you. More than that, I made you. And, I don't think I could live without you. It is completely and totally over.

Tina

When did you end it?

Bette

This morning. I told her that you were the love of my life and that I didn't know what I was doing and that I must have gone temporarily insane.

Tina

Did you tell her in person, or on the phone?

Bette

Why does that matter?

Tina

Because I drove by the house at 2:00 AM, and your car wasn't there. Did you fuck ALL night before you told her that I was the love of your life this morning?

Jenny

How are you?

Bette

How were you when your life fell apart?

Jenny

I was a mess.

Bette

That's it. That's me.

Bette

Did you know that Tina is pregnant?

Jenny

Yeah. Bette you didn't know? Oh my GOD how did you not know?

Bette

Because I am the biggest fucking asshole in the universe, I guess that's how! Because I am just some huge cosmological joke, is what I am!

Jenny

No you're not. Okay. Tina obviously must have gone out of her way to keep this a secret from you.

Bette

She must hate me. She must actually fucking hate me.

Jenny

No she doesn't hate you.

Bette

And you know who's responsible for this? Your buddy Helena Peabody. That woman's a fucking dragon, and she's making my life a living hell.

Bette

Oh, please don't tell me you're sleeping with her.

Tina

Bette...

Bette

[frustrated tone] Are you sleeping with her? Are you fucking sleeping with her?

Tina

It's none of your fucking business!

Bette

Don't do it, Tina. That woman will eat you alive. She's a vampire.

Tina

[sarcastic] Yeah, and a dragon.

Bette

That's right. She's a monster! However you want to categorize it, she likes to fuck people for sport and...

Tina

And you don't? Like that time with Candace?

Bette

[entering the bathroom] Baby, are you okay?

Tina

[smiles] I think my water just broke. Oh my God.

Bette

[calls the hospital] Hi Davina, it's Bette Porter, I am in the bathroom of the Wiltern theater with Tina and a huge puddle of water.

I hope you girls write fabulous, sick, neurotic, tortured love poems to one another.

Bette

[smiling] I'm actually working on several right now.

Send me one, would you, Bette?

Bette

I'm trying to meet with Barbara Grisham tomorrow before the hearings.

Tina

Senator Grisham. Damn, I think she's hot.

Bette

Is your husband as fluid as you are?

My husband. I have an arrangement. Works out well. But none the less.

Bette

You no longer have the privileges of being my life partner!

Tina

Woah!

[Dana is hallucinating after having taken LSD with Shane before a Tegan and Sara concert] Hey, you know who's a lesbian?

Dana Fairbanks!

Dana

I am not!

Bette

What?

Come on Dana! Come out of that closet!

Bette

[at Joyce Wichnia's office] Tina's not qualified to parent a biracial child.

Tina

Oh, yeah, and I was qualified to sleep with one for eight years?

Bette

Obviously, you weren't qualified for that, either!