Bette Porter quotes from The L Word

Well, I'm glad to see that you've made your decision.

Bette

What decision have we made?

Mommy Dearest One and Mommy Dearest Two will be fighting this out in a court of law... which in the end is not a terrible thing.

Tina

How is that not a terrible thing?

Bette

Yeah, in what universe is that not a terrible thing?

Well, in the universe of my bank account for one.

Nadia

Wow. Are you... are you an athlete?

Bette

[a beat] No. Why?

Nadia

Because you have, uhh... because you have very beautiful arms.

Bette

[laughs nervously] Uhh, I do some, you know, some yoga every now and again. I just, I really don't have any time to do anything more than that.

Nadia

My ex-girlfriend was a professional boxer and your arms sort of reminded me of hers.

Bette

[chuckles] Well, I'm not a boxer, so I better not get into a ring with her.

Nadia

[seeing Bette rub her shoulder] Do you have a knot? Do you want me to unlock it?

Bette

Uh... it... it's okay. No, really, it's fine.

Nadia

[rubbing Bette's shoulders anyway] Oh, wow. You are really tight. God, do you feel that? It's right there.

Bette

[whispering] Nadia, please...

Nadia

Do you want me to find you a body worker? Because, oh my gosh, I have the most amazing Ayurvedic healer, and he, he went so deep...

Bette

I, uh, I'd prefer a woman.

Nadia

[a beat] Well. That can be arranged, Dean Porter.

Bette

I just need to find out, uh, what conferences C.U. has hosted. I know that we did the Global Sustainability last August...

Nadia

Where Dr. Gorsham sustained multiple hickeys from his two teaching assistants.

Bette

You mean he slept with both of them?

Nadia

Don't be shocked. It happens all the time.

Bette

Well, that doesn't make it acceptable.

Nadia

No, but we're all adults, Bette. I mean, in a cloistered environment like a university, it would be absurd to think that there weren't relationships between faculty and students.

Look, I'm not a homophobe, you know what I'm saying? But, uh... Look, if my son came home and he told me that he was gay... I mean, I'm sure I would come around to it but... You know, at first there would be a reaction and... I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be honest here, alright?

Bette

An honest homophobe, how nice.

Tina

Bette, don't get into it.

Bette Porter

No, I... I understand, Brad. I mean, you find gay sex repulsive and you don't care about your son's personal happiness as much as you do for your own comfort level. Right?

Bette

I don't know what to do.

Tina

You're in love with Jodi, right?

Bette

I adore her. And I respect and admire her. But...

Tina

But what?

Bette

It doesn't really compare.

Bette

So which side of the bed is Nina's?

Tina

I don't know. Um. [gets up and stands next to the left side of the bed] Maybe this side? [lays down] Yeah, that feels right.

Bette

So maybe this side would be Bev's side? [lays down on the right side of the bed]

Tina

Yeah.

Bette

Do you have any hard rock candy?

Tina

No. But I have some pot.

Bette

Poor Shane.

Tina

Fuck that! I wouldn't blame Jenny if she never spoke to Shane again.

Bette

[laughs with disbelief] That's a little harsh.

Tina

It was unforgivable what Shane did!

Bette

Well, maybe it was wrong, but...

Tina

Maybe?

Bette

Okay, it was wrong.

Tina

It was devastating. After everything that Jenny's been through? Her breakup with Nikki, the movie, her career?

Bette

Well, Shane's been through a lot too, and she's always been there for Jenny. But Shane is a woman. She has needs... like me. Like all of us.

Bette

Let's not talk about this anymore.

Tina

You're right... let's not talk anymore.

Which one of you is the mother?

We both are.

I need you to put one name only for Angelica's mother.

Bette

Are you kidding me?

I can't process your paperwork.

Bette

This is Los Angeles. There are same-sex families on ever fucking street corner! She was born in this fucking hospital, and both of our names are on the fucking birth certificate! So, why don't you just give us a fucking break you straight, bureaucratic maggot, and get our daughter to see a God damn doctor! Please?

Alice

[as Bette is describing a stroller that seemingly does everything] Does it do the dishes?

Bette

No, just your taxes.