Jay quotes from The Inbetweeners

Simon

It doesn’t matter ‘cause she’s not coming.

Jay

Who’s not coming?

Simon

Charlotte Hinchcliffe.

Jay

I’d make her come. All over my face!

(to Jay, with Will) Okay then, 'funny boy'. Make me laugh…without undressing.

Jay

(repeatedly imitating Crazy Frog, as Charlotte and Will watch in appalled silence) Nim, nee nim nim nim nim! Boh, bom bom bah bah bah!!!

Jay

…it’s Crazy Frog…

Jay

Fucking hell, he’s leaving.

Simon

No screams and he’s not covered in blood. Will must have got away with it.

Neil

Or Donovan killed them both silently.

Simon

She is so beautiful and she keeps looking at me.

Jay

She’s only looking to see if you’ve stopped staring at her.

Simon

She’s still looking.

Jay

Because you’re freaking her out.

Simon

I think we’ve got a connection. Her eyes! Why don’t we go over?

Neil

No, I don’t need to pull. I’ve got a sure thing lined up.

Jay

A midweek wank?

Neil

No. I’ve centered that charity blind date thing at school.

Jay

That’s tragic.

Neil

Well, that’s where you’re wrong. Because I get the choice of three girls to take out on a date. So I don’t need to spend my Saturday evening scaring girls like Simon does.

Simon

What if she’s feeling the same and neither of us does anything about it?

Jay

She’s fit and she’s the year above. She’ll never go for you.

Simon

Look, Will… Will, yeah, has pulled Charlotte Hinchcliffe. Anything could happen tonight. I’m going over.

Go away.

Will

(voiceover) With Simon’s humiliation, the party was over, and some of us had done better than others.

Simon

Can you not?

Alright Jay!

Jay

Alright. Nice car!

Do you like it? I just got new rims for it.

Jay

Yeah, it’s well nice!

Simon

(To Neil, so Jay can hear) Ooh friend.

Neil

Ooh, car friend!

Simon

Ooh, car friend, shall we play football?

I’ve just got to pop home now, but, you can have a drive later if you like.

Jay

Yeah, maybe.

Simon

(High-pitched) Cheers friend.

Neil

(High-pitched) Car friend.

Simon

(High-pitched) Football!

See you later, then. (He turns left and drives off back home. Jay turns round after a moment, looking angrily at Simon and Neil)

Jay

He’s not my fucking friend!

Simon

(Looking apologetically at Jay) Alright. Friend! (Neil bursts into laughter. Jay storms off, quickly followed by Simon and Neil, who’re still chanting “Friend!”)

Neil

(High-pitched) Friend.

Simon

(High-pitched) Friend.

Neil

(High-pitched) Friend!

Simon

(High-pitched) Made-up football friend!

Jay

(Angrily) Just give it a fucking rest, will ya?!

Simon

(Normal voice) Hello, isn’t that Friend’s car?

Neil

(High-pitched, pointing at the car) Ooh, new rims car friend! (He puts his thumbs up too)

Jay

I’ll show you how much of a friend he is. (He moves to the front of the car) Fucking friend. (He climbs up onto the car bonnet) (In a slightly maniacal voice) Ooh friend! (He jumps; the car alarm goes off) Friend! Friend! Fucking football friend! (Jumping all the while)

Simon

I never thought he’d get that wound up. (We see that Football Friend is emerging from a house on the opposite side of the road, and he is running over, gobsmacked about what’s happening)

Jay, what you doing?

Jay

(Turns to face him, still with maniacal voice, still jumping) Ooh friend! Friend! (Normal voice) I’m not your fucking friend! Alright?! Alright?!

Will

It was true. Simon was right, he did still have his old friends. (Simon turns to see Neil and Jay imitating having sex with books) And he was welcome to them.

Neil

(imitating having sex with books) Books get me girls! Books get me girls!

Jay

(also imitating having sex with books) Oh, books! Oh, books!

Neil

Blind date books!

Jay

Fuck the book with us, Simon!

Jay

(about Becky) That one has fucked EVERYONE. I’ve slung one up her a few times, myself.

Will

And who is everyone, exactly? That old man over there, has he had a go on her?

Simon

What shall I write?

Jay

“Spread ‘em. I’ll be there in half an hour.”

Will

Or, “So lovely to hear from you, it would be a pleasure to meet up.”

Jay

“P.S. I’m a poofter.”

Will

Where are all these women, then?

Jay

There’s loads. Just look around you.

Simon

Where?

Jay

Everywhere. What about her? (points to her on a seesaw)

Simon

She’s about 12, Jay.

Jay

Nah, she’s older than that. Believe me, Christ!

Will

People don’t get fingered for a bet, Jay. With the possible exception of your sister.

Jay

Take that back.

Will

Actually, I do take it back. Your mum, on the other hand, she’d probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits.

You didn’t say please. What about opening up and trusting?

Jay

Oh, fuck off you fat wanker.

Jay

Oi, give us a burger.

You could say please.

Jay

Just give me one! I gotta be back up there in three minutes.

Not until you say please. Manners cost nothing.

Jay

Oh, for fuck’s sake. Can I have a burger, please?

Of course you can.

My counsellor used to say that frustration often comes from wanting to be noticed.

Jay

Yeah. Yeah. That’s it. That’s probably why I exaggerate a bit.

To feel special?

Jay

Yeah. It’s like sometimes I feel like the kids here don’t pay attention to me. Like I’m so dumb that I don’t matter. I guess making a few things up at least makes them notice.

Jay

(goes to speak to Mr Gilbert, who he’s been forced to sit next to)

Don’t even THINK about trying to talk to me!

Jay

It’s just that I’ve got to go and see a man about a dog, (winks at Neil) then a woman about a pussy.

(annoyed) I so know what that means.