The Golden Girls · Season 4
Well, Rose, I might not have any idea what it's like to feel the kind of dependency you do, but, there was a time in my life when I tried quittin' somethin'.
Blanche, you don't mean...
Sex, Dorothy. I tried quittin' sex.
Obviously you fell off the wagon.
And onto a naval base!
[on why her attempt to give up sex failed] Barely a month had gone by before I started feeling those awful stirrings and urges. I was like a spring bloomin' peach bud just ripened to dewy fruition, waitin' to be plucked by the first handsome man to come my way!
You were looking for some nookie.
Exactly.
Before my mama sent me off to beauty camp, I was a pencil-thin, flat-chested, four-eyed nerd!
I don't believe it. You, pencil-thin?
[about her sister Holly] We haven't gotten along since we were kids.
Why is she coming here then?
Well, she's here on business. She's a world renown flautist.
Oh, she plays the flute?
No, Dorothy, she plays the flaut. It's a Scandinavian instrument that looks like a tuba except it's got hair on the bottom. Of course she plays the flute!
[on Dreyfuss, the dog] Why is there a big hairy beast in my house?
My guess is because he bought you dinner.
[meeting Holly] Who's this?
Well, this is...
Oh wait, Rose, let me. She's feisty, zesty, and full of Old World charm, Sophia!
She's mopey, dopey, and full of crap, Rose's sister. Don't mess with me, kid, I have the home court advantage!
Dreyfuss is gone.
He ran away?
No, we had a falling out and agreed to a trial separation. Of course he ran away!
But when?
I'm not sure. I have it pinpointed sometime between 10:15 today and late last Thursday.
You have no recollection of Dreyfuss since last Thursday?
I have no recollection period since last Thursday! Anything could have happened in three days. I just hope I'm not carrying Steve Garvey's baby.
[Blanche has just come back from her appointment with the plastic surgeon who will perform her breast augmentation] Hi, Blanche. How was your appointment with Dr. Rosenzweig?
Well, I was so nervous that I just rushed right in there and pulled off my top, and said, "Well, what do you think?"
What did he say?
Well, he said, "I think you're probably looking for Dr. Rosenzweig. But if you ever want a discount on life insurance, call me."
Ma, you cannot get upset over [losing] one pound.
Maybe you can't, I can. For fifty years my weight hasn't changed by an ounce, and as far as I'm concerned, until I'm back to 99, I'm no longer Sophia Petrillo.
Mornin', Dorothy. Mornin', Sophia.
Who?
[leads the girls' workout] Whirlybirds!
[imitate Yvonne] Whirlybirds!
Jackhammer!
Jackhammer!
Windshield wipers!
Windshield wipers!
[suddenly stops and grabs her leg in pain while still hopping] Oh! Charley horse!
[grabs her leg and hops] Charley horse!
She has a cramp, you peabrain!
I can't balance my checkbook. Ah, what the hell, I'm only off by a few pennies.
A few pennies? To you it may not be much, but back in Sicily, a few pennies could make the difference between owning a gun and having to insert bullets into your victim manually.
Dorothy, have you ever heard of something called "dirty dancing"?
Well of course Blanche. They did it in that movie.
What movie?
Lawrence of Arabia, Rose.
This flier that came in the mail says they're gonna start a dirty dancin' course down at Lawson's Dance Studio. What do you say, Dorothy?
Oh no, I can't see myself swinging my hips and wildly gyrating my pelvis, I'm not interested.
And the world heaves a collective sigh of relief. [Dorothy glares at her]
[seeing Blanche hold Rose in a dirty dancing pose] What they do is their business, but if I ever see your hand on Rose's behind, it'll kill me!
Dorothy, now do you see why I'm so embarrassed? Can you imagine a dance with movements just like making love and I can't do it?!
Relax Blanche, maybe standing up is what's throwing you.
Don't raise your voice at your mama! You know, your not too old for me to take you across my knee!
You lay a finger on me, your teeth will be back in Sicily before you are!
[laughing] That's my girl! You got lots of spirit, just like you beautiful mama!
[in unison] Thank you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
