I never had a mind for money matters. I always used to let Stanley handle all our investments.
Did Stanley have a head for numbers?
Stanley??? The man used to have to get naked to count to twenty-one.
S4 E18Fiddler on the Ropes
S4 E19Till Death Do We Volley
Mrs. Petrillo, is that you?
No, it's Jane Fonda.
Oh, Dorothy, high school reunions can be so much fun. I will never forget mine! I was the most successful person there.
Blanche, didn't you go to school with that brilliant doctor who won the Nobel Prize?
Oh, yes, but she let her looks go to hell.
Oh, a girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMahon.
[laughs]
What, Ma?
Oh, nothing, my underwear just hiked up on me. Right while you were lying.
Why do you say I'm lying?
A girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMahon? Somebody here doesn't remember Prom Night 1946!
Why, what happened?
I don't know, I'm that somebody.
I am so excited! I can't believe I'm going to see Trudy again after all these years!
Oh, I'm excited for you too, Dorothy. That's why I want everything perfect. I'm making Scandinavia's oldest and most traditional appetizer treat: cheese and crackers.
Cheese and crackers, Rose? Not eggs gefluffen? Ham and gunterhoggins? Pigs in a svengebluten?
No, but you sure know how to make a girl's mouth water!
(begins to tell a story about "acceptance" to console Dorothy) I remember I was a blossomin' belle who had just won the Little Miss Magnolia pageant...
Blanche, before you start, realize I am very vulnerable now, and in no mood to hear a story about you and some yahoo-cracker with four first names pawing at each other under a magnolia tree.
Well, pardon me, Dorothy, but we can't all come from places as socially acceptable as Brooklyn.
I'm sorry, Blanche, I'm sorry, go on with the story. Just try to shy away from words like "tarnation" and "catfish."
Fine. Anyway, I was about eight years old when I first met Cathy Lee on the playground. We became fast friends. Just as thick as Louisiana blackstrap molasses on a stack of johnnycakes as high as an elephant's knee---
On a riverboat floating down the Mississippi delta... FINISH THE DAMN STORY, BLANCHE!
Anyway, it was at a Southern seafood fry that I proudly dragged Cathy Lee over to meet my folks. Well, my mama took one look at Cathy Lee and forbade me ever to see her again!
Why?
Because her mother was not in the Daughters of the Confederacy. Oh, how my heart went out to little Cathy Lee, standin' there while our servants snickered at her servants. But Mama insisted I break off the friendship, or I wouldn't get brand new ridin' boots for Christmas! So I did.
Blanche, why is this a story about acceptance?
Oh - because years later, to get back at me, Cathy Lee slept with my daddy! That was something I had to accept. Mama accepted it too - along with a brand new Cadillac Eldorado for her birthday. You know, my family had a few dollars, and I loved them dearly, but when you get right down to it, basically they were trash.
[bursting into Dorothy's room] Picture it! Sicily, 1852!
Ma, I am in no mood; and besides, you weren't alive in 1852.
What, we can't learn from history? It was mid-century, and a disillusioned Italy looked to the House of Savoy for leadership. Giuseppe Garibaldi, our courageous leader - and not a bad dresser - thought, "Let's regain some national pride and jump into this Crimean War thing." Of course, there was a big kickoff party at Giuseppe's beach house, and everyone came. Coincidentally, this was also the night his wife, Rosa, hit her sexual peak.
Ma, I am in here because of GUILT! This isn't a story about guilt.
This is a story about being a bad hostess! While Rosa had Giuseppe in the bedroom with his saber around his ankles, two hundred hungry guests were strip-searching mice for a piece of cheese!
Ma, so what's your point? That Rosa and I throw bad parties?
That's my minor point. My major point is, that like Rosa, you're screwing around in the bedroom while there are important things to do outside!
[to Dorothy, after beating her at arm wrestling] How does it feel to have your butt whipped?
Well, sometimes I find it strangely titillating, but... [pauses when she notices everyone else looking at her strangely] Oh. You were talking to her.
S4 E20High Anxiety
I don't want a TV crew comin' in here, messin' up my kitchen, settin' up all that video equipment!
Well, how about shooting it in your bedroom, Blanche? The equipment's already set up there!
I got the director to change his mind.
[excitedly] Oh, then he's comin' back here to shoot the commercial?
No, he doesn't wanna get anywhere near Rose. He's gonna shoot it at his studio.
But if he shoots it at his studio, then I get screwed and have nothin' to show for it!
Welcome to show business.
[making malted milkshakes for herself, Blanche and Rose] Didn't I tell you I used to work in a malt shop when I was in high school?
Soda jerk?
No thanks, I'll have a malted.
[rolls the dice, moves her game piece and picks a card from the center of the gameboard] How odd, I can either buy the library or the phonebooth in the center of town. I'll buy the library.
If I were you, I'd buy the phonebooth.
Why?
People use the phonebooth.
That's because you're hooked on these Rose. But honey, there's a place for people with this kind of problem.
Please, what is she gonna do in the NBA?
[when Rose says she'd be too embarrassed at a rehabilitation center] Was Betty Ford embarrassed? Was Liza Minnelli embarrassed?
She should've been. Did you see Arthur 2? [makes a face]
Sorry Dorothy. There are two things a Sicilian won't do: Lie about pizza, and file a tax return.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.