Jealousy is an ugly thing, Dorothy. And so are you, in anything backless.
S2 E2Ladies of the Evening
Downtown? He means jail!
Oh really Rose, I thought he meant Neiman Marcus.
I've never been in jail. I won't make it. They always prey on the weak and innocent. The others will taunt me for trying to excel at my work in the laundry. I'll fall in with a bad crowd, whose leader looks like Ethel Merman. And I'll be forced to engineer a daring prison break using my laundry cart. From that time on, I won't know a moment's peace. I'll scar my fingerprints with battery acid and I'll run from town to town, taking jobs that people have who got bad grades in school. And then one day, they'll find me, holed up in a little shack in the Louisiana bayou. And a sheriff named Bull will call my name out over a megaphone and when I make a run for it he'll riddle my body with bullets! Oh please don't let them take me downtown! I want to live! I want to live!
You're not very good in a crisis are you Rose?
S2 E3Take Him, He's Mine
[upset because Blanche has been going out with Stan] I thought you were my friend.
I am your friend!
Then why are you sleeping with my husband?!
[everyone in the grocery store turns and stares]
What are y'all lookin' at? Get on back to your LeSueur peas.
Dorothy, your husband's here.
I don't have a husband. Call the police.
(Stanley comes up behind Blanche in the doorway)
SStanley
Your EX-husband, darling.
(not missing a beat) I'LL call the police.
We wanted to get the best corner before Johnny No-Thumbs shows up with his lunch wagon.
Johnny No-Thumbs ?
Well actually, he has several fingers missing from each hand. It's remarkable to watch him make a veal and pepper hero. [heads for the door]
Ma, you are trying to muscle in on a guy named Johnny No-Thumbs? Are you crazy? He's probably connected with the mob!
Relax! If they were his friends, he'd still have his thumbs! [opens the front door]
He's a very sweet man, although the first time he waved hello, Sophia misunderstood and gave him the finger back.
[Dorothy is storming out of the house because she thinks Stan and Blanche are sleeping together]
Where are you going?
To either get ice-cream or commit a felony. I'll decide in the car.
S2 E4It's a Miserable Life
[Mr. Pfeiffer is trying to set a date for Mrs. Claxton's funeral service]
How about Thursday night?
Thursday night?
Are you crazy?
Not Thursday, hell no!
Sorry, I forgot. The Cosby Show.
We're interested in arranging a funeral.
Isn't that lovely. The three of you planning ahead for Mother.
Hey, Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in your puh-face?
Mr. Pfeiffer...
Oh, no, it's Puh-feiffer. The "P" is not silent.
...anyway, Mr...Puh-feiffer...about the puh-funeral -- about the funeral...
FCFrieda Claxton
[to Blanche] Oh yeah, I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.
I beg your pardon?
FCFrieda Claxton
With my binoculars I have a terrific view of your bedroom window. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal. I'm looking into it.
Why you miserable old... [Dorothy grabs Blanche as she lunges for Mrs. Claxton]
Now Blanche, let's try to get along. Mrs. Claxton, I don't know if you remember me, Dorothy Zbornak.
FCFrieda Claxton
Sure, I know you. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.
Why you miserable old... [Blanche and Rose grab her as she lunges at Mrs. Claxton]
Ma, where are you going?
To throw some holy water on her [Mrs. Claxton]. If she spits up pea soup and her head spins around, we're in big trouble!
WWoman
[delivering a heatfelt eulogy at Mrs. Claxton's funeral] Yes, Celia Rubinstein loved all mankind! She was...
WHO?!
WWoman
Celia Rubenstein.
This funeral isn't for Celia Rubenstein, it's for Frieda Claxton!
The Rubenstein funeral is down the hall.
WWoman
Oh! Oh, I'm terribly sorry for the intrusion! ...Frieda Claxton, wasn't she the lady who lived in that old house on Richmond Street?
Yes.
[The woman gives the coffin a good kick and then leaves the chapel]
Mrs. Claxton's soul is part of that tree now, Sophia.
That's really lovely... and it's touching how that Great Dane is paying its respects!
S2 E5Isn't it Romantic
Ma, did Jean sleep with you last night?
Dorothy, there are a lot of things I want to try before I die but that's not one of them.
[Blanche enters]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.