The Golden Girls · Season 2
Oh Blanche, have you seen Jean this morning?
She and Rose shared a room last night. Listen, Dorothy... You don't think Jean would ever...do you?
Look Blanche, I DO NOT believe that anything other than Gin Rummy happened between Jean and Rose last night.
[Rose enters]
Dorothy. Something terrible has happened.
OH GOD!
You idiot! If someone told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?
For starters, Jean is a lesbian.
Ma.
What's funny about that?
You aren't surprised?
Of course not. I mean I've never known any personally, but isn't Danny Thomas one?
Not Lebanese, Blanche. Lesbian.
Jean thinks she's in love with Rose.
Rose? Jean has the hots for Rose?!! I don't believe it, I do not believe it!
I was pretty surprised myself.
Well, I'll bet! To think Jean would prefer Rose over me! That's ridiculous!
Blanche, please!
Now you tell me the truth, if you had to pick between me and Rose, who would you pick? Who?
Blanche, pull yourself together!
Oh... I'm sorry. Does Rose know?
No.
Oh good, I don't think you ought to tell her. After all, she's not as worldly and sophisticated about these things as I am.
Absolutely. If she finds out Danny Thomas is a lesbian, it'll break her heart.
[Sophia is watching a dirty movie]
Hi, Ma. Whatcha watching?
I dunno, one of those Steven Spielberger movies.
That's not a Steven Spielberg movi-...what are they doing?
You know what they're doing. We had that talk when you were 12.
Ma, I can't believe this! You rented a dirty movie?
Dirty is in the eye of the beholder. Okay, that's a little dirty.
I cannot watch any more of this.
[coming in with Blanche] Hi.
[Dorothy is pressing buttons on the remote]
Wrong button. That's fast forward.
Oh, my.. what are they doing?
I know what they're doing, but I never saw anyone do it at that speed.
It reminds me of my Uncle Ricky's rabbit farm!
[Dorothy presses another button]
That's reverse, Dorothy.
I did that once. [the others turn to look at her] It was his birthday.
Jean is a nice person. She happens to like girls instead of guys. Some people like cats instead of dogs. Frankly, I'd rather live with a lesbian than a cat.
[Big Daddy announces his engagement, and Blanche lets out a scream]
[about Blanche] Is she happy or sad?
I'm not sure. I've never heard her make that sound before.
I once heard her make that sound, and I assure you, she was happy.
Let's take it from the top.
From the top. Oh, that's sounds so musical!
[pointing at the piano] Tickle the ivories, Rose.
[tickling] Goochie-goochie-goochie-goo! [laughs]
Rose, play or die! [Rose begins playing]
[singing the lyrics] "Miami is nice/So I'll say it twice/Miami is nice/Miami is nice/Miami is..." W-, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! You put in an extra "Miami is nice"!
I had to. It hurts the music if you don't put it in.
Yeah, but the lyrics don't make any sense! I mean, it goes, "Miami is nice/So I'll say it twice."
Oh, I see your point. Well, what about this: "Miami is nice/So I'll say it thrice!"
"Thrice"?! Who the hell says "thrice"?!
It's a word!
So is "interuterine". It does not belong in a song.
[playing and singing] Miami, you're cuter than, an interuterine...
[Blanche meets her father's new fiancee who is a young woman]
Margaret, uh, please sit down.
Maybe we oughta get her a booster seat.
[to Margaret] Can I get you a drink?
How 'bout chocolate milk?
[sitting down next to Margaret] So, Margaret, you're from Atlanta.
Well that's right.
That child over there is trying to steal my daddy away. She ain't better but a tick on a slow moving hound dog.
Why is everyone around here talking like Burl Ives?
[Rose:] I have to say what I feel
[Dorothy:] Miami has so much appeal
[Rose:] A great place to get a seafood meal]
[Both:] Miami...
Miami, Miami, you've got style
Blue skies, sunshine, white sand by the mile
When you live in this town, each day is so fine
The coldest of winters are warm and divine
Miami, Miami, you've got style
Blue skies, sunshine, white sand by the mile
There's golf clubs and nightclubs all within reach
Dance the samba till morning, then lie on the beach
Each view is a postcard, each day a great time
It's the cream of the crop, it's the top of the line
[Blanche and Sophia join in:] Miami, Miami, you've got style
Blue skies, sunshine, white sand by the mile
Miami... you've got style!!!
Ma, what are you doing!?
[caught sneaking Bridget's meal] It's a little habit I picked up, I call it eating.
Dorothy, do you realize it has been four days since I have enjoyed the company of a man?
I know, Blanche. I've been marking the days off on my "Big Ships of the Navy" calendar.
I don't think I can stand it much longer! My body feels like a Corvette up on blocks with its engine racin', the wheels just spinnin' and spinnin' with nowhere to go! I feel like I'm gonna EXPLODE! [grabs Dorothy's hand] Dorothy, you have to help me, you have to do somethin'...
Honey, there's nothing I can do, so get that look out of your eye and let go of my hand.
Maybe Michael needs a little exposure.
Exposure to what?
To plutonium, Rose.
[caught in bed with Bridget] Grandma, this isn't what it looks like!
Please! I'm eighty years old. I may not remember what it feels like, but I sure as hell remember what it looks like!
[Rose is in denial about Michael and Bridget's affair]
You know how it is when you can't believe something.
Yes, I can't believe Alan Thicke has a hit series, but that doesn't mean it isn't so.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
