The Golden Girls quotes

Carol

Hi, Blanche. I was sitting home feeling sorry for myself so I thought I'd do some risk taking and invite myself over. Here I am, totally vulnerable. Taking a chance. I am so proud of me.

Carol

You know, that would have devastated the old me, but the new me? Just an emotional owie and do you know why? Because I like myself!

Carol

The new me is starting to get honked off. Look, I'm lonely and scared and you're having a party. Can I come in or not?

Blanche

Look, Carol, I am going to be honest here. I took great pains with this guest list and frankly there is room here for only one young, attractive female.

Carol

[dashing inside] Ooh, then I just got in under the wire!

Carol

[talking to a man at the party] Last night, I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up, my boyfriend was gone.

I don't get it.

Carol

It's not a joke.

Carol

Excuse me, Blanche. I think I'm gonna leave. I'm not having such a good time.

Blanche

Oh, what a relief to know it isn't just me.

Carol

It's like every man here just wants to sleep with me. Even the Rabbi with the limp!

Dorothy

[trying to explain to Rose, in a roundabout way, how she kissed Miles] Let's say you make Miles a batch of your delicious, creamy cupcakes, and he loves them so much that he wants you to make them all the time.

Rose

Miles does have a sweet tooth.

Dorothy

But let's say that, even though he loves your cupcakes more than life itself, one day he decides to try somebody else's cupcakes. For lack of a better example let's say my cupcakes. And I, in a mad passionate moment, forget myself and... [voice breaking slightly] let him try my cupcakes. How would that make you feel?

Rose

I'd like to think I'd understand.

Dorothy

Oh, good, good. I was hoping that's what you would say.

Dorothy

What?

Rose

I'm sorry. It's just the idea of Miles wanting to try your cupcakes.

Dorothy

Why is that funny?

Rose

No offense, Dorothy, but your cupcakes are dry and tasteless. Nobody ever likes your cupcakes.

Dorothy

My cupcakes are moist and delicious. Men LOVE my cupcakes.

Rose

Get a clue, Dorothy. Men would rather pay for cupcakes.

Dorothy

[angrily] Let me tell you something, you Swedish meatball! I... wait - wait a minute. You're actually talking about cupcakes, aren't you?

Rose

You bet I'm talking about cupcakes. What are you talking about? Wait a minute... have you and Miles been... baking together?

Dorothy

Rose, I would never do that to you. I swear.

Rose

Good. [picks up a coffee mug] Because if I ever caught Miles with another woman in my kitchen, I'd... [the coffee mug breaks from the pressure of Rose squeezing on it; Rose first looks at the mug in amazement, and then gives Dorothy a triumphant look]

Rose

Dorothy, how would you feel about a birthday present of a picture of me in sexy lingerie?

Dorothy

I'd rather have the cash.

Rose

Actually it's not for you, it's for Miles.

Dorothy

He'd rather have the cash.

Blanche

Nurse, now we realize that the hospital has rules and you have to try to uphold those rules. But, you have to realize that this is a very special case. So, I'm gonna quote from the Bible just to show you how determined we really are. Now, the good book says, um, oh, "Neither rain, nor sleet, nor....nor dark of night shall keepeth uth...from our appointed rounds." Amen. [The nurse gives Blanche a look.] I can see you are a non-believer.

Dorothy

[to Blanche] I think it's nice that you're trying to quote the Bible. [aside, to Sophia] The only thing that's been in more hotel rooms than she has and she can't remember a word of it.

Oh, you know how I feel about organized religion, it makes me crazy. And I do not want Sarah's head filled with stories about a God who may or may not exist.

Blanche

Well, honey, of course He exists! Just look at the beautiful sky, the majestic trees. God created man and gave him a heart and a mind and thighs that could crack walnuts.

[putting an arm around Sarah] Mother!

Blanche

Oh, I'm sorry... I came to religion late.

I'd say.

Blanche

But it's never too late! And it is my fervent hope that the three of us, you and I and dear little Sarah, may walk the path of righteousness together. And now if you'll excuse me, I have Gideon Bibles for everyone. [leaves room]

I miss "sexy" Grandma.

I'm sure a lot of people do, darlin', I'm sure a lot of people do.

Blanche

Where've you been?

Rose

When no one was looking, I went by the No-Show table and I got four name tags for us! Blanche, you'll be Susan Armstrong... [gives Blanche a name tag] ...and Dorothy, you'll be Cindy Lou Peeples... [gives Dorothy a name tag] ...and Sophia, you're Myron Zucker. [gives an irked Sophia a name tag]

Sophia

Rose, you idiot, there's no way I'm ever gonna pass for a man! Dorothy, trade with me?

Dorothy

Go to hell, Myron. Rose, I don't wanna wear this.

Rose

Oh come on, I looked in the yearbook and you're a dead ringer for Cindy Lou Peeples.

Dorothy

I don't know...

Rose

Trust me, it'll work, or my name isn't Kim Fung Toi [pasting tag to her shirt].

Dorothy

Oh I HATE reunions! Everyone so dressed up and fake, pretending to be someone they're not. Why can't people just be themselves?

Cindy Lou Peeples?

Dorothy

Tommy Lunt?

[the two act as if they ARE the people in question, embrace and walk off together] AAH! AAH!

[to Sophia] Excuse me...aren't you Mrs. Gonzalez, Spanish 101?

Sophia

Sí!

Hi, Larry Tucker! [shakes Sophia's hand] You know, I-I was always afraid to tell you this when I was in your class, but... [shyly] I had a huge crush on you back then!

Sophia

Why didn't you ever do anything about it?

Mrs. Gonzalez -- you were my teacher!

Sophia

And you were my favorite student. But I'm not your teacher anymore. And Mr. Gonzalez is dead. [pause] Let's mambo! [grabs Larry and starts dancing with him]

Rose

My great-grandfather once removed his neighbor's appendix, and he wasn't even sick!

Dorothy

Why would he do that?

Rose

Let's just say they were playing poker and the stakes got a little high.

Blanche

[on studying old yearbooks to fit in at the class reunion] We have to know all the basics, you know, like, oh, senior class president, quarterback of the football team, class slut.

Dorothy

Blanche, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook?

Rose

Oh - how do you tell a slut from a yearbook? Uh... you don't have to buy a yearbook dinner!

Blanche

Rose...

Rose

You can take a yearbook home to your parents!

Blanche

Rose!

Rose

There's nothing wrong with having a yearbook on the coffee table!

Dorothy

Rose, this isn't a riddle.

Rose

Well, make it one! I had three good answers!

Dorothy, will you marry me for real?

Dorothy

For real? Oh, Lucas. Yes. Yes!

Sophia

I think I'm gonna cry. I think- [sneezes] Oh misjudged that one.