The Golden Girls quotes

Blanche

I'm nothing but a cheap, tawdry, slut.

Rose

Let me guess....is it Blanche!

Blanche

Oh my god, I can't believe I'm saying this. Blanche Deveraux has lost her sex appeal. [leaves kitchen]

Sophia

They're always the last to know.

This is all very confusing. Now, I'm supposed to meet a Dorothy Zbornak at this address at 7:30 for a dinner date. So which one of you is really Dorothy Zbornak?

Blanche

[grinning from ear to ear] I am Dorothy's...best friend, Blanche. I'm filling in for her because she's dead. [takes his hand and leaves]

Dorothy

[in her dream, upon seeing and hearing that Rose is the returning champion] This woman is an idiot!

Oh, really? She didn't get knocked up in high school!

Dorothy

[receiving call from Jeopardy that she has made it to the trial run] Hello, yes this is she. I did, well thank you! [person on the other end asks if Blanche is there] Yes, yes, she's my roommate. She did! No, no I'll be happy to tell her. Blanche, you flunked.

Blanche

Dorothy, where are the Ural Mountains?

Dorothy

Well, well, well, Blanche, a pound of make-up and a tube of lip gloss can't help you now, can they?

Blanche

I don't need you anyway. [touches guy next to her] Hey, show me yours and I'll show you mine.

Rose

Dorothy, isn't this something? You've become what we call in the news business a hot story.

Dorothy

And you've become what we call in the revenge business "next."

Rose

This isn't so bad. Look there's a chair. Look Dorothy a chair. This isn't going to be bad at all. [to Blanche, quietly] Can we go home, now? It's getting dark out.

Dorothy

Someday, I'm going to get out of this hell hole and come looking for you.

Rose

Don't spend all of your time in here hating me Dorothy. Learn a trade.

Rose

[thinking of ideas for her job] "Miami's sordid sex scene. Who's behind it?"

Dorothy

[points to Blanche] That's her, she's the one!

Blanche

[after an unpleasant experience at the shoe store with Sophia] Sophia, there's something I don't understand. Now, you're always a bit ornery, unpleasant, impolite, even downright mean. That's part of your charm.

Sophia

Thank you, you bedhopping relic.

Blanche

[pops Sophia's balloon from the shoe store]

Blanche

I have a little exercise I do whenever my self-esteem is kind of low. I say my name and then I list three positive things about myself. I'm Blanche Devereaux. I'm beautiful, men find me desirable, and people want to be my friend. Go on, now you try.

Dorothy

Oh, Blanche.

Blanche

Oh, please. Please.

Dorothy

[Sighing] Oh. I'm Dorothy Zbornak, I'm beautiful, men find me desirable and people want to be my friend.

Blanche

Sorry, I confused you honey. You're supposed to say three positive things that apply to you. You know, like you could say, I'm Dorothy Zbornak...I'm a good speller, and um....I'm very prompt, and um..... well actually there's..., there's no law that says there has to be three.

Dorothy

Actually, I just thought of a third one; I can snap a friend's neck like a twig.

Rose

[on preparations for Sophia's "wake"] I even know a way we can save some money. I'll make the hors d'oeuvres.

Sophia

Some wake. Scandinavian crap on a cracker. ... I mean, thank you.

Blanche

Oh Myrtle, thank goodness you got here! You're just the person we need to liven up this party. Do some of those impressions you're so good at.

[sobbing] Oh God, oh God, oh God!

Blanche

[laughing] Jimmy Swaggart, right? That's wonderful, do another one.

The last time I saw her she was fine. I didn't even know she was sick. What happened?

Blanche

Wait, don't tell me... Klaus von Bulow?

Dorothy

Oh, come on, Ma. That's superstitious nonsense. You know, step on a crack, break your mother's back. It doesn't work. I know. [ominous pause] I tried.

Blanche

This necklace is a priceless heirloom. It belonged to my grammy. I've only worn it three times in my whole life, and each occasion marked the beginning of a passionate romance. And tonight I've decided to wear it with clothes.