The Golden Girls quotes

Rose

Now I know no one wants to hear one of my stories right now...

Dorothy

That's usually a pretty safe bet, Rose.

Rose

...but you need to know about my cousin Ingmar. Ingmar was different. He used to do bird imitations.

Blanche

Well, what's wrong with that?

Rose

Well, let's just say you didn't want to park your car under their oak tree. No, Ingmar was different. His mother used to say he brought shame to the House of Hausenfeffershtuledunker. Anyway, you're all wondering where this story is going. So I'll skip the part where he ran up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs...

Dorothy

Rose, you're not skipping!

Rose

Sorry. The point is, it was shame that kept Aunt Katrina from loving slow Ingmar. And it ruined her life. Oh, don't let that happen to you, Sophia. Let go of the shame. So what if he was different? It's okay that you loved him.

Sophia

[in tears] I did love him. He was my son. My little boy. But every time I saw him, I always wondered what I did, what I said, when was the day that I did whatever I did to make him the way he was.

What he was, Sophia, was a good man.

Sophia

[breaking down] My baby is gone!

Oh, Sophia... [She and Sophia embrace as the episode ends]

Sophia

[about Rex] Boy, he makes Wallace Beery look like Adolphe Menjou.

Dorothy

It's been a long time since I've taken you to the movies, hasn't it?

[from the radio] I'm Dr. Kelly, and today we're going to be talking about "Mothers and Daughters: The Dark Side," and we're ready for our first call.

Sophia

[dials the radio station] Hello.

Hi, you're on the air with Dr. Kelly. I need your first name only.

Sophia

My name is...Cher.

And your problem, Cher?

Sophia

I have a 55-year-old daughter named Dorothy, Dorothy Zbornak. She's got problems.

First names only, please.

Sophia

I told you, it's Cher!

Zbornak, you said Dorothy Zbornak.

Sophia

Oh, sorry.

So what's wrong with this Dorothy Zbornak?

Dorothy

Blanche, honey, are you okay?

Blanche

Never better, why?

Dorothy

I've just never seen you do anything domestic.

Blanche

Dorothy, I've done the laundry thousands of times! Oh, by the way, we're out of...[tries to read the bleach bottle]...blee-ock.

Dorothy

You know what the joke going around the teacher's lounge was today, Ma? Me.

Sophia

I know that joke.

Dorothy

Everybody heard on the radio that some anonymous Ma was complaining that her dependent daughter Dorothy doesn't have a life of her own.

Sophia

What, you think you're the only gray-haired spinster substitute teacher named Dorothy wasting her life away in Miami?

Rose

I'm sorry, Sophia, but in Dorothy's defense, that sure does sound a lot like her.

Dorothy

You'll have to excuse my mother. She survived a slight stroke which left her, if I can be frank, a complete burden.

Dorothy

I just got the strangest prank call. Some man wanted to know if I owned a riding crop and a leather bra and if I could lick my eyebrows.

Sophia

What'd ya say?

Dorothy

I told him no.

Sophia

I guess we're paying full price for the cocktail franks.

Dorothy

I'll say this for Clayton, he has great taste. Doug is absolutely charming.

Sophia

And funny. It's not every cop who could do a good Bette Davis impression.

Blanche

I think I'm actually doing a good job hiding how upset I am.

Dorothy

You mean like how you started sobbing when Clayton asked for more fruit cocktail?

Blanche

I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.

Dorothy

You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?

Blanche

There must be homosexuals who date women.

Sophia

Yeah, they're called lesbians.

Rose

[from outside the kitchen] Hot damn! [comes into the kitchen] It's happened! It's finally happened! Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh yes!

Dorothy

I take it we now get The Disney Channel?

Clayton

I wanted you to meet Doug for a very important reason.

Blanche

Well, why?

Clayton

Blanche, we're getting married.

Rose

But that's impossible Clayton. Brothers can't marry sisters. [thinks for a moment] Oh, that's right, you're from the South.

Dorothy

BLANCHE and Clayton aren't getting married you air head! Clayton and Doug are.

Rose

Oh. [hesitantly] O-o-o-h. OH! ... Who??

Sophia

[to Clayton and Doug] So, Butch, Sundance? Who's gonna throw the bouquet?

Rose

[outraged about Agnes Bradshaw posthumously winning the Volunteer of the Year award] It's a fix! She's dead! She doesn't need that on her mantle! She's on her mantle! [Blanche and Dorothy pull Rose to sit back down at her table]

Rose

It isn't about fancy banquets, it isn't about getting your name in the paper, it isn't about winning the award next year.

Blanche

There now, that's the spirit. [walks out of the room]

Rose

[getting out the award] It's about getting that dead woman's name off of this one. [she tightly clutches and hugs the award with a devious look on her face]

Clayton

It just doesn't matter, because we're there for each other. I'd do anything for Doug. And he'd bend over backwards for me!

Dorothy

[grabbing Sophia, covering her mouth, pulling her body toward her, then smiling as she looks up at Blanche, Clayton and Doug] Sometimes I just love to hug my mommy!