TV show quotes
[on the phone with Steve] I'm almost ready to... What do you mean? I spent all day getting ready! ... Oh, I could just scratch your eyes out! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU DROP DEAD!!! [slams down phone; to girls] Well, I'm off, don't wait up...
Blanche, Steve called and canceled your date, didn't he?
[voice quavering] Yes!
How did you know that, Dorothy?
I'm clairvoyant, Rose.
You're so lucky. I get into a pool and I sink like a stone.
[to Dorothy, Blanche and Rose, who have entered the dining room at the nudist hotel naked, and are shocked to discover that everyone else in the restaurant is clothed] Excuse me, ladies, we always dress for dinner here. And in your case, we'd appreciate it if you'd do that for all three meals.
[in a flashback scene, chewing out Rose for booking them into a "clothing optional" resort for their Valentine's weekend getaway] Thanks a lot, Rose. Oh, this is a great Valentine's weekend, stuck in a hotel at a nudist camp for ten hours!
I'm sorry, Dorothy, it's all my fault. I misunderstood the brochure.
[reading from brochure] "Fun in the buff at a mountain retreat! Hike, swim and play volleyball while the sun beats down on your fanny!" Call David Horowitz; I mean, how can they get away with this misrepresentation!
[Dorothy, Rose and Blanche are in line at a pharmacy - flashback scene]
In this day in age it might be a good idea to take along some... protection.
What kind of protection?
Two armed Pinkerton guards. No, Blanche is talking about... [indicates a nearby counter]
A Nestle's Crunch?
One over.
An enema bag?
To the right.
Dentu-Grip?!
CONDOMS, ROSE! CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!
Calm down, lady! You just get out of prison?
There's no reason to be embarrassed! Now these are discreet professionals. This is a private matter. Whatever we buy is nobody's business but our own! [picks up a package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] I'd like a package of these, please.
[grabs another package of condoms and hands it to the cashier] And I'll take these.
[looks around nervously, then tentatively grabs a random package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] ...and I'll take these.
Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
[speaking into his microphone] JOE, I NEED A PRICE CHECK ON SOME CONDOMS! THESE THREE LADIES HERE WANT A COUPLE OF BOXES OF THE KING GEORGE PROPHYLACTICS.
THE LAMBSKINS OR THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE?
TWO OF THEM HAVE THE LAMBSKINS, AND THE BLONDE HAS THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE...IN BLACK.
Ma, we're going away for the weekend, just the two of us. So pack your bags, we are off to a cabin in the Keys!
Wait a minute, Dorothy, you pulled this one on me once before. Remember Shady Pines Retirement Village? [to Rose and Blanche] She told me we were going to a resort. We pull up to this place that looks like the Bates Motel, and two goons in white coats drag me inside and for the next year and a half I'm forced to make lanyards against my will.
Ma, you know that's not how it was!
You're right, sometimes they forced me to make moccasins. No thanks, not again!
Look Ma, all I want is for us to go away together, just the two of us. Ma, we'll go anywhere you want to go.
Great, I wanna go to Disney World.
Then that's where we're going.
Oh? All of a sudden you're gonna take me, after I've been asking for years?
That's right!
[to Rose and Blanche] Leave your shoe sizes, let me know whether you want your moccasins in brown or black!
Rose, will you stop being an idiot!
So that's it, you're willing to give us the Donatello Triplets if we put your new boyfriend in the show.
That's blackmail!
That's show business.
[to Rose, on the fantasy that Bob Hope is her father] I don't know whether to cry or commit you!
You can't sing, you can't dance, you can't tell jokes. I'm sorry, you can't be in the show.
You can't be in the show, you can't be in the show, who are you, Ricky Ricardo?
Ma, why do you constantly look for ways to amuse yourself at my expense?
Because we don't have cable and I can't crochet. This is who I am, Dorothy. Learn to live with it, or medicate me!
What you need is faith.
And what you need is a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge.
I still feel guilty about going through Pepe's things.
Me too. Although it was kind of exciting opening his closet and seeing his little boxing trunks hanging there with that provocative nickname on 'em.
Blanche, Everlast is a brand name, not a nickname.
Girls, you are my very best friends in the entire world, and I trust and respect you more than any people I know, so I want you to tell me truth - now, honestly, do you think I'm competent at what I do?
Based on the sounds from your bedroom, I'd bet you're damn near spectacular.
I am talking about my job at the museum!!
Of course, you're competent, Blanche. I mean, they wouldn't have kept you for five years if you weren't.
Well, then, why do you think my boss is constantly looking over my shoulder?
I would guess a plunging neckline and a push-up bra.
You know, some days, I just want to throw in the towel and take an early retirement. I wonder if you can collect Social Security at 49, 50.
4950--what is that, Blanche, the address of the Social Security building?
I never had a mind for money matters. I always used to let Stanley handle all our investments.
Did Stanley have a head for numbers?
Stanley??? The man used to have to get naked to count to twenty-one.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
