Gina Riley quotes from The Games

Gina Riley

I've got to go.

John Clarke

It's only ten past nine.

Gina Riley

You know what the traffic is like.

John Clarke

I do. It's a good thing we're not expected to run a major sporting event in this city. It could well be complete mayhem.

Gina Riley

How do people send questions to us on the internet?

John Clarke

With a mouse, as I understand it Gina.

John Clarke

This is just one taken at random. This is actually about the country, Australia. What is the population of Australia, and what are its main industries?

Gina Riley

Well, the population is about 17 million.

John Clarke

Yes, and we don't have any industries as such.

Gina Riley

I have another question here: what is the separation of powers?

John Clarke

Ah, well this is a constitutional question. The separation of powers is a constitutional division of the two entities in which power is vested in Australia: Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch. If Mr Packer wants cricket, Mr Murdoch would be given Telecoms. If Mr Murdoch wants rugby league, of course Mr Packer would be given the cotton industry.

Gina Riley

You take him out.

John Clarke

Oh, he doesn’t want to go out with me, Gina.

Gina Riley

Of course he does. He’s bisexual. He’ll love it.

John Clarke

I beg your pardon?

Gina Riley

It’s a courtesy, John. It happens all over the world.

Gina Riley

They want to put the track, the skeet shooting, the badminton and the fencing all at the main venue.

John Clarke

Out here?

Gina Riley

Yes.

John Clarke

How are they going to do that?

Gina Riley

They’re going to make them night events. They’re going to put them on after everything else is finished.

John Clarke

But people will get shot, won’t they?

Gina Riley

Well, they say they’re going to fire above their heads.

John Clarke

It’s never been a terribly convincing defence. "We were firing above their heads, Your Honour, and then we noticed large numbers of deceased persons."

Gina Riley

He was particularly appalled – please get this down – that the games seemed to be turned into a benefit for television; a notoriously greedy and selfish medium that is obsessed with money and sensation, and is often run by morons who wouldn’t know if their arses were on fire unless the ratings told them so!

John Clarke

Excuse me. Excuse me. You’ve lost me a bit. Go back – greedy and selfish industry. Arses on fire. Morons.

Gina Riley

Morons: M–O–R–

John Clarke

[Writing] Run by morons, many of whom are insane.

Okay, well tell me about the major changes to the swimming programme.

John Clarke

Well, what's currently proposed is the, what I believe I've just given you a copy of, which is that all heats will be run in the morning, as they normally are... slight change insofar as heats will be worked out on the best of three, times will obviously count. Perhaps Gina knows a little bit more about this than I do?

Gina Riley

Thank you John. Yes, each swimmer will swim three heats in each event, the swimmer's slowest heat time will then be dropped, the other two times will then be multiplied by three over two then divided by three to give an aggregate time and the fastest 32 times will then move on to the next round.

John Clarke

Yes, and then there's a "wild card" entry, for those who are the top place getters in each of the races in which the fastest three times were recorded, and then there'll be quarter-finals, and then there'll be finals, and then there'll be repechages.

Remind me, what is a repechage?

John Clarke

After the final sequence of heats, competitors who have not been successful go back into a stage of three previous heats in which there is a separate sequence of semi-finals - quarter-finals and semi-finals - and so people are given another chance, really. And then there'll be, obviously, a preliminary final, and then a quarter-final, semi-final, and then the rounds of three heats subsequent to the repechages, and the quarter-finals and semi-finals in respect of those, and that'll fill the eighth lane - the other seven lanes being filled as I've described - and, er, so, you know, that's fairly simple.

Bryan Dawe

Now, you have all these schoolkids swarming into the stadium dressed as luminous glow-worms?

Not yet.

Not now, not yet. They're not in until just gone dark.

Yeah.

Cause they won't glow otherwise, and they'll need to glow.

Course they will, with everyone wanting to wave to mum and dad up in the stands.

Gina Riley

What were you thinking Bryan, they're glowing!

Bryan Dawe

Okay, glowing kids - after.

I do tell you though, you cannot get horses to form Adelaide churches. God, we tried. Can't get them to be pointy!

Gina Riley

Shame.

Bryan Dawe

That is a shame.

We could do Tazzy instead.

John Clarke

We can't have this sort of rubbish being written. This is badly written, unresearched rubbish.

Gina Riley

You don't mind badly written, unresearched rubbish when it's on your side.

John Clarke

I don't have a problem with favourable crap. Favourable crap is an excellent result. It's the best result you can get in Australia, favourable crap.

John Clarke

It’s Friday afternoon and we’ve got three brand new sporting venues opening in Sydney on Sunday. We should be down there preparing for that but we are not. What are we doing this weekend instead?

Gina Riley

Bonding.

Gina Riley

Did you read this letter, John?

John Clarke

Yes I did read the letter. I was very impressed with the letter.

Gina Riley

"You will travel by luxury coach."

John Clarke

Luxury coach, yes. And an ant therefore is a bird of prey.

John Clarke

I don’t think that presents a major problem. If the gold medals aren’t gold, we shouldn’t call them gold. Call them the yellow medal.

Gina Riley

It doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it? "Triple yellow medallist Dawn Fraser."

John Clarke

Well, no, it lacks mystique. And I can’t imagine that the winner of the grey medal and the winner of the brown medal will be all that disappointed that they didn’t get up for the yellow.

John Clarke

Have you got the Media Accreditation stuff here somewhere?

Gina Riley

Just putting the finishing touches on it.

John Clarke

Have you done the press release on the Internet?

Gina Riley

Yes. Got that covered.

John Clarke

Have you booked the satellite for the CNN thing next week?

Gina Riley

Got a call in.

John Clarke

Did you fax Juan Antonio’s itinerary out here next week…?

Gina Riley

As we speak.

John Clarke

…because there’s a message on the machine that they haven’t got it.

Gina Riley

Bloody hell.

John Clarke

Do you think perhaps we could fax it again? You do know they should actually have had it yesterday?

Gina Riley

I’ll take that on board, John.

John Clarke

[Quietly] Gina, have you actually done any of these things at all?

Gina Riley

No, I haven’t.