Gina Riley quotes from The Games

Gina Riley

I had a proposal for the naming rights to the mascots this morning.

John Clarke

Millie, Olly and Syd?

Gina Riley

Uh-huh.

Bryan Dawe

Any good?

Gina Riley

Not bad if you don’t mind them being called Big Mac, Fordie and Microsofty

John Clarke

Yes, we are embarked upon what is undoubtedly the greatest event ever mounted in Australia.

Bryan Dawe

Of any kind.

John Clarke

Yes, Bryan, yes, probably the greatest event ever mounted in any Australia of any kind.

Gina Riley

Of any kind in Australia.

John Clarke

Pardon?

John Clarke

Australia is a bi-cameral, monarchical federation run by the states and with the right of appeal to the media. The capital is Canberra, obviously. The principal industries in this country are coal and the Olympics. If a visitor comments on the high price of accommodation or Olympic tickets do point out that due to strong management at the highest level, the Australian dollar is now roughly equivalent to the American dime. So they’re not getting a bad deal. The reason prices might seem slightly higher in some instances is of course, Australia’s exciting new GST. The long-term benefits of taxation reform far outweigh the relatively minor inconvenience of paying $6.50 for a cup of coffee. If you are with a visitor from overseas in a traffic jam in Sydney, you are to say, "This is very unusual. A truck must have tipped over". If it rains during the period September 15 to October 1, say "Goodness me, how tremendous. A benediction for Australia’s rich farmlands". Of course, if it hails, go inside because, obviously, you might get killed. The Aboriginal population in Australia is a happy and largely nomadic people and while we are deeply committed to the improvement of their desperate condition... they are perfectly well. You might like to mention Cathy Freeman – they’ve probably heard of her. The name of the man who built the hundred-metre track is Mr Jim Wilson of ACME Construction. He has absolutely nothing to do with this organisation. He’s only ever been here the one time.

Gina Riley

And we don’t think anyone saw him.

John Clarke

He also, incidentally, designed and built the triathlon track, a range of very high-quality ticketing machines, the main runway at Sydney Airport and lanes four and five of the Olympic swimming pools. If you are asked who is paying for these Olympic Games you are to say, "No speeka di Inglish". If attending Olympic events, visitors should be advised to eat before leaving home - that one’s quite important - and if attending the swimming, visitors should be advised to take a very powerful telescope and maybe a small amount of oxygen if they’re sitting above about row F. The minister’s name is Mr Michael Knight. Mr Michael Knight. Beach Volleyball is not simply a game of volleyball played on a beach. It is a game of volleyball best played in a very large neo-Hitler construction which people can’t get into without paying and is built on an area that used to be a beach. That about covers it. Good luck. Bat on.

What do the IOC actually do?

Gina Riley

Well, as I’ve just said, they select the city for the Games.

And how do they do that?

Gina Riley

Well, they travel around the world for many years looking at places where the Olympics might be held.

Have the Olympics ever been held in a brothel?

John Clarke

How do you spell "phonics"?

Gina Riley

The way it sounds.

John Clarke

Doesn’t fit.

Gina Riley

"Incongruous"?

Gina Riley

We were flying in the face of one of the basic rules of food consumption.

Bryan Dawe

Which one?

Gina Riley

"Never eat in a Scottish restaurant."

John Clarke

They’re concerned that Australia’s treatment of its Aboriginal people is... you know.

Gina Riley

A disgrace?

John Clarke

Well, he didn’t actually say that.

Gina Riley

Well, he wouldn’t. He’s a diplomat.

Gina Riley

I’ve got an answer.

John Clarke

I’m delighted to hear it, Gina. Kofi Annan can’t work it out; the international court at The Hague reckon it’s beyond their jurisdiction. I can’t tell you how pleased I am that you’ve bowled it over.

John Clarke

Tell me about the Bolivian soccer team.

Gina Riley

Beaten 2–nil by Poland on Saturday. Got home yesterday. Last night the goalkeeper was shot.

John Clarke

Shit!

Gina Riley

Shot.

Gina Riley

Oh, come on, John. That’s a bit old hat, the corrupt IOC delegate.

John Clarke

Old hat? Gina, in the scientific world when they see that something is happening again and again and again, repeatedly, they don’t call it old hat. They call it a pattern.

Gina Riley

Christ. I suppose it’s possible one day somebody might ask me a question about sport.

John Clarke

Oh, you won’t get a question about sport, Gina. No chance of that. Very old hat, sport. No-one will ask you about that. Every Olympics has got sport. The thing that differentiates the Australian Olympics, Gina, is that it’s going to be paid for by Australians.

Gina Riley

Well, Bill’s safely off and I, for one, am very, very sad to see him go.

John Clarke

Yes, a commonly held view as it happens, Gina. For example, Detective Conroy here of the Fraud Squad is also a little dewy-eyed at Bill’s tragic departure, given that she and most of the international police force have been looking for Bill for quite some time.

Gina Riley

Are they paying us a lot of money, John?

John Clarke

I believe they are, Gina, yes. That's certainly the proposal.

Bryan Dawe

How much?

John Clarke

A shirtload, Bryan, I believe was the expression the Minister used. An absolute shirtload.

John Clarke

How late are we?

Gina Riley

The difference between the time his plane arrived and the time it is now could be measured by an archaeologist.

John Clarke

Dead weight he might be, but at least I think we could have got here on time to meet him.

Gina Riley

It won't matter anyway.

John Clarke

"It won't matter anyway," she said boldly.

Gina Riley

His plane will have been late.

John Clarke

Oh, we're predicting the past now. You don't often see that.