A character in The Games
Played by John Clarke
The Games · 166 quotes
Most-quoted character in The Games: in 128 of its 166 quotes
Most scenes with: Gina Riley (36), Bryan Dawe (24), Nicholas Bell (11)
Oh, come on, John. That’s a bit old hat, the corrupt IOC delegate.
John ClarkeOld hat? Gina, in the scientific world when they see that something is happening again and again and again, repeatedly, they don’t call it old hat. They call it a pattern.
Christ. I suppose it’s possible one day somebody might ask me a question about sport.
John ClarkeOh, you won’t get a question about sport, Gina. No chance of that. Very old hat, sport. No-one will ask you about that. Every Olympics has got sport. The thing that differentiates the Australian Olympics, Gina, is that it’s going to be paid for by Australians.
All of those trees we planted were uprooted and blown away in last week’s hailstorm.
John ClarkeI take it you’re not telling me this in order to demonstrate the awesome power of nature.
The Minister wants you at his office.
John ClarkeAh!
Now.
John ClarkeDid he specify if I was to bring my own sword or will I be falling on one provided by the Minister?
I’d love to move, but not for a million dollars.
John ClarkeTwo million dollars perhaps, Bill?
And here’s that brief for the press conference for the launch of Australia’s Games tomorrow. You’ve got a rehearsal first thing in the morning.
John ClarkeRehearsal?
The Channel Seven commentary team are going to be there dressed up as Shagger, Australia’s Gumnut Kangaroo.
John ClarkeAll of them?
I think so.
John ClarkeWilko?
Wilko’s its arse, I think.
Beer, mate?
John ClarkeOne perishingly cold, thanks.
[Bill doesn't move]
John ClarkeYes, that’s the other thing, of course. I could get it myself.
Well, Bill’s safely off and I, for one, am very, very sad to see him go.
John ClarkeYes, a commonly held view as it happens, Gina. For example, Detective Conroy here of the Fraud Squad is also a little dewy-eyed at Bill’s tragic departure, given that she and most of the international police force have been looking for Bill for quite some time.
I've had sponsors on the phone all day trying to screw extra value out of their deal.
John ClarkeYes, thank you Bryan. Yes, yes, thank you very much Bryan.
They want to know where every cent is going. Selfish pricks.
John Clarke[Gesturing to camera operator] Perhaps you could just lose Bryan very, very slightly.
[The camera pans off Bryan altogether]
John ClarkeNo, that's good.
Are they paying us a lot of money, John?
John ClarkeI believe they are, Gina, yes. That's certainly the proposal.
How much?
John ClarkeA shirtload, Bryan, I believe was the expression the Minister used. An absolute shirtload.
John ClarkeWell, I can't go and answer a whole lot of questions about a subject I know nothing about.
You know, it's actually easier. It's easier to answer questions on something that you don't know anything about.
John ClarkeI wouldn't even know how to begin to talk about art.
Well, you'll be alright then.
You've never been before an inquiry, have you, John?
John ClarkeNo, Nicholas, and I've never been cleaning anything when it went off either.
Well, I can't go. I've already fronted the ticketing inquiry.
John ClarkeAnd didn't you go well, Nicholas. I'm surprised they don't want you back. You couldn't remember either end of any conversation you ever had and you didn't turn out to have kept any notes about anything.
Thank you, John. Yes, well, there's a way of doing these things, alright?
John ClarkeYou got a round of applause at one stage for remembering your own name.
Thank you John. I will tell the Minister that you will be in touch when you've spoken to the barrister.
John ClarkeIt was like watching a zeppelin fall out of the sky.
I want you to listen very carefully. If you're asked a question about what happened on a particular occasion and you don't want to answer, you say "I don't recall."
John ClarkeI don't recall.
Yes. And if you're asked if some event happened, you say "Not that I recall."
John ClarkeNot that I recall.
That's right. If you're asked whether something happened and it has been established that it did happen, you say "Not in my presence."
John ClarkeNot in my presence.
That's right. If you're asked any detail about anything, it means they think they've got you. You clam up, you say "Not to my knowledge.
John ClarkeNot to my knowledge.
That's right. And if you think you're about to reveal something, anything, you stop immediately, you turn to the judge and you say "Can I have a glass of water?"
John ClarkeCan I have a glass of water?
That's right.
John ClarkeGod, it's no wonder the court system's going so well is it?
John ClarkeThey're one of the biggest fast food franchises in the whole United States. Very popular with the young, Bryan, as their very amusing name might suggest.
And do you know what they sell?
John ClarkeI'd go for donuts, but I'm pretty sure it's already taken. I'll have a crack at something else. Drinks.
John ClarkeHow late are we?
The difference between the time his plane arrived and the time it is now could be measured by an archaeologist.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Games pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
