John Clarke quotes from The Games

[Off-camera] It’s been said that ONAN is undemocratic, hasn’t it? That it is a closed, secretive, elite group.

John Clarke

Yes, but only by riffraff.

John Clarke

Tell them Daddy’s in Europe. You haven’t seen Daddy for a bit. You think he’s in Switzerland.

Will I say you’re with Auntie Fahey and Aunty Linda?

John Clarke

No, no, no, no. Don’t say I’m with Aunty anybody. Don’t say I’m with Aunty anybody. You haven’t seen me for a bit. You know, I’ll be back in six weeks.

Hey Dad, there’s a guy out there with a camera.

John Clarke

Well, go out there and tell him you’re a policeman and explain to him that he’s in breach of regulations and if he’s not off the property in one minute you’re going to call the police.

If I’m a policeman, haven’t we already called the police?

John Clarke

Well tell them you’re going to call more police. [Shouting] Bigger ones!

Gina Riley

I had a proposal for the naming rights to the mascots this morning.

John Clarke

Millie, Olly and Syd?

Gina Riley

Uh-huh.

Bryan Dawe

Any good?

Gina Riley

Not bad if you don’t mind them being called Big Mac, Fordie and Microsofty

John Clarke

In this very room, we’ve probably got a microcosm of Australia’s fabulous cultural diversity. [To Asian-looking staff member] Where, for example, do you come from?

Who, me? Collaroy.

John Clarke

No, I mean where are your parents from?

Oh, they’re from Petersham.

John Clarke

What about your grandparents, then? Where are your grandparents from?

Well, they had a market garden up in Maitland.

John Clarke

Yes, well, good on them. My point is the cultural diversity. I mean, we all come from somewhere. In my own case, for example, probably principally Ireland and Scotland in the 1860s. What about you?

Oh, well, they came up from Melbourne in about 1855.

John Clarke

Good on them.

From the Victorian goldfields.

John Clarke

Yes, very good. Yes, well, the cultural point is probably well made.

John Clarke

Yes, we are embarked upon what is undoubtedly the greatest event ever mounted in Australia.

Bryan Dawe

Of any kind.

John Clarke

Yes, Bryan, yes, probably the greatest event ever mounted in any Australia of any kind.

Gina Riley

Of any kind in Australia.

John Clarke

Pardon?

John Clarke

Australia is a bi-cameral, monarchical federation run by the states and with the right of appeal to the media. The capital is Canberra, obviously. The principal industries in this country are coal and the Olympics. If a visitor comments on the high price of accommodation or Olympic tickets do point out that due to strong management at the highest level, the Australian dollar is now roughly equivalent to the American dime. So they’re not getting a bad deal. The reason prices might seem slightly higher in some instances is of course, Australia’s exciting new GST. The long-term benefits of taxation reform far outweigh the relatively minor inconvenience of paying $6.50 for a cup of coffee. If you are with a visitor from overseas in a traffic jam in Sydney, you are to say, "This is very unusual. A truck must have tipped over". If it rains during the period September 15 to October 1, say "Goodness me, how tremendous. A benediction for Australia’s rich farmlands". Of course, if it hails, go inside because, obviously, you might get killed. The Aboriginal population in Australia is a happy and largely nomadic people and while we are deeply committed to the improvement of their desperate condition... they are perfectly well. You might like to mention Cathy Freeman – they’ve probably heard of her. The name of the man who built the hundred-metre track is Mr Jim Wilson of ACME Construction. He has absolutely nothing to do with this organisation. He’s only ever been here the one time.

Gina Riley

And we don’t think anyone saw him.

John Clarke

He also, incidentally, designed and built the triathlon track, a range of very high-quality ticketing machines, the main runway at Sydney Airport and lanes four and five of the Olympic swimming pools. If you are asked who is paying for these Olympic Games you are to say, "No speeka di Inglish". If attending Olympic events, visitors should be advised to eat before leaving home - that one’s quite important - and if attending the swimming, visitors should be advised to take a very powerful telescope and maybe a small amount of oxygen if they’re sitting above about row F. The minister’s name is Mr Michael Knight. Mr Michael Knight. Beach Volleyball is not simply a game of volleyball played on a beach. It is a game of volleyball best played in a very large neo-Hitler construction which people can’t get into without paying and is built on an area that used to be a beach. That about covers it. Good luck. Bat on.

John Clarke

Morning, Bryan. Are you aware that we had a transport meeting this morning?

Bryan Dawe

Yes, it was cancelled.

John Clarke

Yes, good. Thanks, I worked that out, Bryan. There’s nothing like sitting in someone’s empty office for 40 minutes to focus the mind, is there?

John Clarke

How do you spell "phonics"?

Gina Riley

The way it sounds.

John Clarke

Doesn’t fit.

Gina Riley

"Incongruous"?

Bryan Dawe

Ah, John? Any for me in there?

John Clarke

No, Bryan.

Bryan Dawe

How do you know? You’ve just chucked it all out.

John Clarke

Most of it was from the public.

Much could be made in achieving this end if the government were to address the deep wrongs inflicted on the indigenous population and attempt to achieve true reconciliation with the Aboriginal peoples.

John Clarke

Yes. When?

I hope the Games go ahead as planned.

John Clarke

Yes. Pretty soon...

John Clarke

They’re concerned that Australia’s treatment of its Aboriginal people is... you know.

Gina Riley

A disgrace?

John Clarke

Well, he didn’t actually say that.

Gina Riley

Well, he wouldn’t. He’s a diplomat.

Nicholas Bell

Have they got witchetydoodles?

John Clarke

Didgeridoos?

Nicholas Bell

Long thing. You blow through it.

John Clarke

Didgeridoos, Nicholas.

Nicholas Bell

Bloody marvellous. There you are, then.

Gina Riley

I’ve got an answer.

John Clarke

I’m delighted to hear it, Gina. Kofi Annan can’t work it out; the international court at The Hague reckon it’s beyond their jurisdiction. I can’t tell you how pleased I am that you’ve bowled it over.

John Clarke

Tell me about the Bolivian soccer team.

Gina Riley

Beaten 2–nil by Poland on Saturday. Got home yesterday. Last night the goalkeeper was shot.

John Clarke

Shit!

Gina Riley

Shot.