John Clarke quotes from The Games

John Clarke

You know what irritates me?

Gina Riley

Pollen?

Gina Riley

What couldn't you do without?

John Clarke

My arse.

John Clarke

Tobacco sponsorship?

Bryan Dawe

Yes.

John Clarke

Well done Bryan. That really is terrific news. Now here's a number. I want to see if you can get some more. You ring that. That's the Cambodian Embassy. They'll have a number for the estate of the late Pol Pot. See if you can get them to tip some money into a humanitarian sponsorship of some kind. You seem to be good at it.

Gina Riley

Your favourite drink ... apple and guava juice.

John Clarke

Why don't you just put 'wanker'?

Bryan Dawe

You're just afraid if you start again you won't stop.

John Clarke

Well that's the thing with addictive chemicals, Bryan!

Gina Riley

I've got to go.

John Clarke

It's only ten past nine.

Gina Riley

You know what the traffic is like.

John Clarke

I do. It's a good thing we're not expected to run a major sporting event in this city. It could well be complete mayhem.

John Clarke

Mr Wilson.

[Interrupting] Now John ...

John Clarke

Or Jasmine, of course. That's the other obvious alternative.

John Clarke

Mr Wilson. Do you know who is the current 100 metres all-comers Australian record holder?

Can I guess?

John Clarke

There's not much point in guessing.

Is he an African American?

John Clarke

He's not an African American, no.

Is he that Canadian from Jamaica?

John Clarke

No, he's not a Canadian from Jamaica.

I give up.

John Clarke

The 100-metre record in this country, Mr Wilson, is currently held by Bryan.

Bryan?

Bryan Dawe

Yes.

Congratulations.

Bryan Dawe

Thank you.

John Clarke

A new mark, Mr Wilson, set at a blistering session last Wednesday. I wish you'd been there. We were down there and we had a bet.

Was this wind assisted?

John Clarke

No, and we'd had a couple, and in my view Bryan is not in quite the nick he was in at the same stage of last season.

John Clarke

Robert Walkley?

Bryan Dawe

Writes for the Star.

John Clarke

Star?

Bryan Dawe

Weekly tabloid. Light-heared mixture of racism and pornography.

John Clarke

Can this person compete or not?

In which event?

John Clarke

In either event.

Let's take them one at a time, shall we?

John Clarke

The Men's?

No

John Clarke

The Women's?

No.

John Clarke

That pretty much exhausts the possibilities as I see it.

John Clarke

I don't see what all the fuss is about. What did they do the last time this happened?

Bryan Dawe

What, in 1899?

Gina Riley

How do people send questions to us on the internet?

John Clarke

With a mouse, as I understand it Gina.

John Clarke

This is just one taken at random. This is actually about the country, Australia. What is the population of Australia, and what are its main industries?

Gina Riley

Well, the population is about 17 million.

John Clarke

Yes, and we don't have any industries as such.

Gina Riley

I have another question here: what is the separation of powers?

John Clarke

Ah, well this is a constitutional question. The separation of powers is a constitutional division of the two entities in which power is vested in Australia: Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch. If Mr Packer wants cricket, Mr Murdoch would be given Telecoms. If Mr Murdoch wants rugby league, of course Mr Packer would be given the cotton industry.

John Clarke

If you would like us to answer any questions on the internet - perhaps we could settle an argument, or maybe you'd like to make a booking, or perhaps you're just curious - this is how you get in touch with us: 'dot com'.

Bryan Dawe

What's 'dot com', John?

John Clarke

What is 'dot com'? I was told you 'dot com' - you put the mouse through the window in the 'dot com'.

Bryan Dawe

No, no ... no.

John Clarke

And you do it, and it comes through the service station. And you choose the search motor, and there's a drop-down dinner.