A character in The Games
Played by John Clarke
The Games · 166 quotes
Most-quoted character in The Games: in 128 of its 166 quotes
Most scenes with: Gina Riley (36), Bryan Dawe (24), Nicholas Bell (11)
[Arguing about who should "entertain" a visiting IOC Official]
You take him out.
John ClarkeOh, he doesn’t want to go out with me, Gina.
Of course he does. He’s bisexual. He’ll love it.
John ClarkeI beg your pardon?
It’s a courtesy, John. It happens all over the world.
John ClarkeWould you like to sit down?
No, I won’t, thank you. [Sits down]
John ClarkeWe were just discussing who might attend the dinner with the delegate.
He’s dead.
John ClarkeI beg your pardon?
He was found dead in his hotel room at four o’clock this morning.
John ClarkeHow dead?
Well, completely dead.
They want to put the track, the skeet shooting, the badminton and the fencing all at the main venue.
John ClarkeOut here?
Yes.
John ClarkeHow are they going to do that?
They’re going to make them night events. They’re going to put them on after everything else is finished.
John ClarkeBut people will get shot, won’t they?
Well, they say they’re going to fire above their heads.
John ClarkeIt’s never been a terribly convincing defence. "We were firing above their heads, Your Honour, and then we noticed large numbers of deceased persons."
He was particularly appalled – please get this down – that the games seemed to be turned into a benefit for television; a notoriously greedy and selfish medium that is obsessed with money and sensation, and is often run by morons who wouldn’t know if their arses were on fire unless the ratings told them so!
John ClarkeExcuse me. Excuse me. You’ve lost me a bit. Go back – greedy and selfish industry. Arses on fire. Morons.
Morons: M–O–R–
John Clarke[Writing] Run by morons, many of whom are insane.
[Attempting to explain the changes to the swimming programme to the audience]:
Okay, well tell me about the major changes to the swimming programme.
John ClarkeWell, what's currently proposed is the, what I believe I've just given you a copy of, which is that all heats will be run in the morning, as they normally are... slight change insofar as heats will be worked out on the best of three, times will obviously count. Perhaps Gina knows a little bit more about this than I do?
Thank you John. Yes, each swimmer will swim three heats in each event, the swimmer's slowest heat time will then be dropped, the other two times will then be multiplied by three over two then divided by three to give an aggregate time and the fastest 32 times will then move on to the next round.
John ClarkeYes, and then there's a "wild card" entry, for those who are the top place getters in each of the races in which the fastest three times were recorded, and then there'll be quarter-finals, and then there'll be finals, and then there'll be repechages.
Remind me, what is a repechage?
John ClarkeAfter the final sequence of heats, competitors who have not been successful go back into a stage of three previous heats in which there is a separate sequence of semi-finals - quarter-finals and semi-finals - and so people are given another chance, really. And then there'll be, obviously, a preliminary final, and then a quarter-final, semi-final, and then the rounds of three heats subsequent to the repechages, and the quarter-finals and semi-finals in respect of those, and that'll fill the eighth lane - the other seven lanes being filled as I've described - and, er, so, you know, that's fairly simple.
John ClarkeWe can't have this sort of rubbish being written. This is badly written, unresearched rubbish.
You don't mind badly written, unresearched rubbish when it's on your side.
John ClarkeI don't have a problem with favourable crap. Favourable crap is an excellent result. It's the best result you can get in Australia, favourable crap.
You can check it until your arse falls off. I'm telling you that's what's happening.
John ClarkeWell you can tell me that until your dick catches fire. I'm still going to have to go check it out.
John ClarkeIt’s Friday afternoon and we’ve got three brand new sporting venues opening in Sydney on Sunday. We should be down there preparing for that but we are not. What are we doing this weekend instead?
Bonding.
Did you read this letter, John?
John ClarkeYes I did read the letter. I was very impressed with the letter.
"You will travel by luxury coach."
John ClarkeLuxury coach, yes. And an ant therefore is a bird of prey.
[Reading from sample ticket] "This ticket admits holder to the session nominated on Box 4 on the obverse of this ticket and is..."
John ClarkeI see. Which side is the obverse?
This side.
John ClarkeThe side with the box on it?
Yes, the session is nominated in the box.
John ClarkeOkay, what’s on the obverse of the box?
That’s the information I’m reading to you now.
John ClarkeThe information’s on the obverse?
Yes.
John ClarkeI thought what you were reading before stated that the box was on the obverse of this ticket?
Yes, well, they’re both obverses.
John ClarkeThey’re both obverses. That's a bit confusing, isn't it?
John ClarkeSo what other crises have we got to deal with?
Let’s assume there are five other major problems.
John ClarkeLet’s assume there aren’t.
Let’s assume that the phones are ringing.
John ClarkeLet’s assume they’re not. Let’s assume we answered them all. Wrong numbers, a lot of them.
All I’m saying is that a problem that up until 30 seconds ago was the Minister’s problem is now your problem. [Walks off]
John Clarke[Shouting after him] And the minister will be confronting this issue, will he, by his usual method of being photographed in a hard-hat pointing at a concrete mixer?
John ClarkeI don’t think that presents a major problem. If the gold medals aren’t gold, we shouldn’t call them gold. Call them the yellow medal.
It doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it? "Triple yellow medallist Dawn Fraser."
John ClarkeWell, no, it lacks mystique. And I can’t imagine that the winner of the grey medal and the winner of the brown medal will be all that disappointed that they didn’t get up for the yellow.
John ClarkeI beg your pardon. What do you mean "no signal"? No signal. I’m at the centre of the universe. I’m at the epicentre of the known cosmos. No signal.
Ninety-seven per cent coverage, those new phones.
John ClarkeReally? The other three per cent presumably consists of the central business district and a couple of outlying districts in which human beings live.
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