John Clarke quotes from The Games

John Clarke

Do you bother naming the female children?

John Clarke

Nicholas, this is very cloak and dagger. What do you want to do? Draw all the curtains? Why don't you turn the radio on? The Russians normally pop a bug in the lamp, don't they?

John Clarke

I've been out on the street for twenty minutes trying to get a cab, Bryan, that's why I'm ringing you. There are no cabs. I have used binoculars. You cannot see a cab. Van? What van? No, I'm not going to go out and pick up an international visitor in a van, Bryan. No. Alright, where is it?

John Clarke

Just trying to keep the dream alive, Gina.

John Clarke

We're running on the smell of an oily rag.

See that thing you're doing with your hands?

John Clarke

Yes.

Never do that.

This is just a huge distraction, isn't it?

Gina Riley

Pardon?

This is just a huge distraction.

Bryan Dawe

Pardon?

John Clarke

Pardon?

Isn't this whole issue just a distraction?

John Clarke

Er ... sorry Barrie? Er ... yeah. It probably was.

John Clarke

Does anyone have any questions that don't have anything to do with lacrosse?

How much over budget are the Games at the moment?

John Clarke

Have we got any more lacrosse questions?

Your budget figures seem to be blown to the shithouse.

John Clarke

Excuse me? That's a question is it, Shakespeare?

Bryan Dawe

John, what is this amount here?

John Clarke

Where it says 'contingency'?

Bryan Dawe

Yes.

John Clarke

It's a contingency.

Bryan Dawe

Yeah. What's it for.

John Clarke

I don't know what it's for. If I knew what it was for, it wouldn't be a contingency. That's what a contingency is.

Bryan Dawe

John, I know what a contingency is. I want to know what it's for.

John Clarke

Well, the opening ceremony. How the hell are we supposed to know how much the opening ceremony's going to cost, it hasn't happened yet!

Bryan Dawe

John, why didn't you guess a hundred million?

John Clarke

A hundred million dollars?

Bryan Dawe

Yeah.

John Clarke

It's a bloody opening ceremony Bryan, it's not global poverty!

Bryan Dawe

John? John?

John Clarke

[To President Clinton on the telephone] Sorry to do this to you again, I'll be with you as soon as possible.

Bryan Dawe

John, this contingency here is supposed to be in the bank account according to your figures.

John Clarke

You're still here.

Bryan Dawe

It's not in the bank account!

John Clarke

Bryan, look, I don't want to worry you. I've got Juan Antonio Samaranch coming here in half an hour to see a swimming pool. We haven't even finished stage 1 on!

Bryan Dawe

Appreciate that.

John Clarke

We've finished the water! I can show him the water! I've got the Premier out there now having a cup of coffee, I hope he doesn't drop it - he'll set fire to himself Bryan! I've got a very nice Mr Clinton on the blower here, I've not even had time to speak to him! I haven't got time to go pushme-pullyou with all this budgetary crap!

Gina Riley

It's on at a quarter to four in the morning!

John Clarke

A quarter to four in the morning out here, sure, by all means! But that's not where the bloody audience for the event is!

Gina Riley

But there's not going to be an audience! You're not going to get an audience! You've got the thing on in the middle of the bloody night!

John Clarke

It's about this guy Anderson...

Gina Riley

Abrahams.

John Clarke

... and he's competing in the 400 metres ...

Gina Riley

100.

John Clarke

... in the Helsinki Olympics.

Gina Riley

In Paris.

John Clarke

In 1932.

Gina Riley

24.

John Clarke

And there's this other guy, Little.

Gina Riley

Liddell.

John Clarke

Ah, one message! This is the Olympics and we have one message. The rest of the world has conducted its business while we slept and we have one message. Let's hear it world. How can we help you?

... so if you could call back on that number at your earliest convenience Mr Clarke, I would be very grateful.

John Clarke

After the beep! AFTER the beep! Après le bloody beep!