Sebastian Coe, Colin! This is Sebastian Coe OBE MP!
Yes, Mr Brittas.
And you have chained him by the ankle to a staircase.
S4Not a Good Day
Today was going to be such a good day. I woke up this morning, and my heart filled with thoughts of all the joyous, wonderful things we were going to give to people when they came through these doors. And now...
Now we haven't got any doors.
S4The Christening
Look, there is no need for anyone to think. It's all perfectly simple, I'll go through it one more time. I am the Reverend Horatio Brittas. Laura is Mrs Brittas, my wife. Colin is me, except for when he is standing over here with a candle, when he is Colin. Tim is Uncle Herbert, Matthew's main godparent, who'll be joining us from Godalming later. And he and Laura, who is Mark's main godparent, and who in these circumstances is Linda, come back and collect the babies from me who is Colin and Mrs Brittas who is Laura. What could be simpler?
You know, Laura, there are some people in this world (mercifully, not too many) who can walk into a building full of happy, contented people, and just create chaos! They probably don't mean to. They probably think they're trying to help, but the end result...(imitates explosion sound) Know what I mean?
Yes, I think I do.
S4Biggles Tells a Lie
He's been telling lies, and to his own daughter!
He just didn't want her to get hurt.
That's how it always starts, Laura. You think lies are going to make things easier, so you tell the policeman you don't know what speed you were doing, you keep the 10p you found on the pavement, you tell the Poppy Day lady you've already given. Next thing you know, you're fiddling your tax and taking paperclips home from work!
S4Playing with Fire
[Colin has built a methane digester, connected to the staff toilet]
I'm not just going through the motions!
[Gavin's mentally unstable fiancée has turned up unexpectedly]
The important thing is not to let her get upset or frustrated.
Absolutely. We mustn't let her get angry...where's Mr Brittas?
S4Shall We Dance?
I could ask Edward. I'm sure he'd come. We were at school together.
Thank you, Linda. See, that wasn't difficult. Why can't you do that, Tim?
TTim
Well, Edward's already going with Linda.
God, what a journey! Four children projectile-vomiting non-stop from St Austell!
Oh, dear. Are they ill?
I think it was the crab they ate yesterday.
Oh, you have to be so careful in restaurants, don't you?
They'd have been fine in a restaurant. This was a dead one they found on the beach.
S4High Noon
How are you?
Not so bad...well, fairly bad. You know Carole's living with us now...and her children...and Gordon.
S5The Old, Old Story
So, our problem is that shortly we will have some 800 people rehearsing hymns in our gymnasium, all of whom will want to use the resources of this leisure centre. And our job is to make sure they don't.
CDCouncillor Drugget
Next time he shouts "Oi, you", I shan't waste any time thinking, "What's he on about now?" I shall simply step back before the scaffolding pole lands on my foot.
S5Brussels Calling
You've tryed to kill a teacher?
I wasn't trying to kill him, Laura, my foot slipped!
Monsieur le President, Monseigneur, mesdames, messieurs, fellow Europeans. J'ai un rêve, un rêve qu'un jour tout le monde sera...as one.
S5The Lies Have It
On seeing a potential hazard, we think about it, don't we? We identify the problems. Then we tell the rest of the team. "Think, Identify, Tell".
TTim
TIT!
I'm sorry, Tim?
TTim
I said "tit", Mr Brittas.
It's a mnemonic, Mr Brittas.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Brittas Empire pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.