Brittas quotes from The Brittas Empire

Since I have been manager of this centre, I am very proud to say there have only been twenty-three deaths. And not one of them was a staff member.

"Dear Councillor Drugget, re your memo of the 14th inst, I am seeking clarification on council policy regarding the buying in of alternative services. Can I take it this does not refer to alternative religious services, as was first thought? If so, I shall inform the Reverend Bernie Simpson that he can no longer hold Voodoo sacrifices in the squash courts. Yours etc etc. P.S. Most of the chicken blood has now been successfully removed from the walls."

To them, you're a non-person. And you can't argue with a government department.

Dreams workshop tomorrow lunchtime. Now, it's purely voluntary, but everyone must attend. And I want you all to have a good dream tonight, and bring it in with you tomorrow morning.

Why do you people in the media always focus on the negative side of things, when so much of what happens at this leisure centre is a success story? Last year, six hundred people visited this centre, and nearly five hundred returned home without any loss of life or serious injury!

Eeeexcellent!

How do I look?

Helen

You look fine, dear, very smart.

Well, first day, you got to set the standards. God, we're lucky! We've got so much, haven't we? (Puts his arm round Helen who drops a mug into the sink) Not just each other, but the job, the house, the children. Who's the little one?

Helen

That's Tom.

No no, I meant this chap here.

Helen

I dunno, it must be the little boy from next door or something.

I think I'll just pop out and tell 'em I'm off.

Helen

Oh, do you have to do? They seem to be enjoying themselves.

Shan't be a minute. (Goes out into the back garden)

Helen

(sighs) Oh, dear. (Continues to do the washing and watches as Gordon goes to speak to the children)

Good morning, good morning, good morning, lads. Now, allow me by the benefit of my experience to show you exactly how you can prove your game. (Takes one of the children's cricket bats) I'll take this. You go stand in the gully. You stand in the gully just there, all right? Now for start, three fingers apart. Okay, come on, big lad, give me one. Send one down, nice and fierce, alright? I'll show you. (Swings the bat) You see? That's the kind. You've got to follow through, you see, and make sure you go nicely apart.

Dad!

Give me the bat back.

You'll ruin the game.

Give me the bat back.

No!

Give me it back. I have not finished my demonstration.

No!

You can improve your game, give me it back.

No!

Give... (Tom whacks him with the cricket bat) Oh!

[from outside] I'll have that, thank you very much indeed.

I'm from next door. I'm afraid my little boy has got into your garden.

Helen

Do come in. He's yours, is he? Sorry. (Picks up a box)

Well there's a hole in the fence, you see, and I told him to wait until you've settled in but I just hope he's not being a nuisance.

Helen

No, no, they're playing beautifully together.

I think we'll just have to manage without a cleaning lady for today.

Laura

No, she's going for good, and her husband with her. He's the heating engineer, and he's turned off all the boilers. The building inspector says he can't give a building worthiness certificate until he's seen the heating in action, and he wants you to know that he can't come again for a fortnight.

All I can say is: thank God I got here today! Just imagine if all this had happened yesterday with no one to sort it out, eh?

(grabs Brittas by the collar) I've been invited to give a lecture here, and unless you tell me in the next thirty seconds where I'm supposed to go, I'm going to take you outside and set fire to you! Understand?

(calmly) Mr Owen?

Right!

Mr Ken Owen? "Tranquillity Without Drugs"?

Let's see now. When are we free?

Helen

No, it has to be now, Gordon.

Ooh, bit tricky, darling. I'm supposed to be hiding in a locker in the staff changing room.

Poor Helen! She must have been through hell. Look, I'd better get back and give her the good news.

Laura

Would you like me to ring her?

No, thanks, Laura. I'd rather do it myself. This sort of thing can be a bit of a shock if it's not done properly. (exit)

Laura

(to Linda) Phone Helen!

Carole

I thought you'd throw me out.

Throw you out, Carole? What do you think I am?

Carole

Sorry, Mr Brittas.

Of course I'd throw you out!

Laura

They've paid rather a lot of money, haven't they?

It's a charity concert, Laura. People don't come to hear the music.

Well, if you're the one prepared to go on the six o'clock news surrounded by bodies, having to admit to Kate Adie you didn't think a proper fire escape was necessary...

That's the risk I'll just have to take, Mr Brittas. I'll put your views to the committee, with my personal recommendation...that they take no notice whatsoever.

You're eight and a half months pregnant and you haven't seen a doctor?

Carole

I suppose I...I hoped it would go away.