AVGN quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

Talking to people is still a strange ordeal. Why do you have to shove a sword up their ass? Right up their ass.

In other Zelda games, there’s secret passageways that transport you all around the dungeon. That makes sense. But here, when you’re just walking to the next screen, and suddenly appear some place different on the map, it’s like, "What the Hell happened to this game?" I don't believe this! Like, [Stammers] I seriously don't believe this! [drinks beer] That's it, that's all I can take. How could they fuck up Zelda this bad!? It's not a Zelda game, I wouldn't call it that. "Oh, but it is. It has Zelda in it, it has Link..." Yeah, you know what, that's a pointless argument right there. That's like if your dad said, "I fucked your mom." It's like: "I can't argue with that!" Playing these games is as worthwhile as melting a dog turd in a frying pan. Yeah, put some buffalo puke and some cat piss all over it, and you have a shit sandwich that is Zelda CD-i! This game FUCKING SUCKS! (hurls a game off-screen) FUCKING SUCKS! (hurls a second game off-screen) FUCKING SUCKS! (hurls a third game off-screen) Oh yeah, and the Mario game? That one sucks too! (hurls Hotel Mario off-screen) CD-i SUCKS!!! (as the screen fade to black, AVGN is heard seemingly hurling the CD-i console itself as well)

Welcome to another sacrilegious Christmas fuck-fest! Now, two years ago, I played a bunch of Bible games. Yeah, now would you believe there's actually more of them? (He holds more Bible games) Like, who makes video games based off the Bible? Why would you do that? These games suck ass! If I was God, I'd be pissed.

(playing Exodus on the NES) So the exit appears, you take it and then you get a bunch of Bible questions such as "The king of Egypt told the Hebrew midwives to: Kill male babies; Kill all babies;" "Kill all babies"? I'm playing an NES game that says "Kill all babies"? And you know what? That's the wrong answer, so that obviously means that's something they made up. "Kill all babies"!

(playing Sunday Funday which is a clone of Menace Beach) Instead of trying to rescue your girl, you're not even going to believe this when I tell you, you're trying to get to Sunday school. Yeah. Now, as much as that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard for a game, what I don't understand is why that's so difficult! Who are these raging atheists that don't want you to go to church!? It's bad enough that the entire town is trying to stop you, but what's with the flying clowns, the old ladies coming out of boxes, and animals coming out of sewer holes? What's this guy's problem? Like why does everyone want him dead? I'd say he's having quite a day. And the funny thing is, he probably gets to church and doesn't even mention it, like: "Oh what did you do on this Sunday morning before church?" "Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown, and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers. I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and shit, then I threw a bomb and blew some guy's fuckin' face off."

All right, well that's enough with that one. It's time to wrap things up. I've got something to blow the lid off the crap barrel. Time to flick the shit switch, turn up the diarrhea dial! IT'S BIBLE GAMES ON CD-I!! Yeah! We're living on the edge! More like living on a prayer!

Alright, well I'm done. There's not really any more Bible games, or at least ones that actually qualify as games. There's one on Game Boy called The King James Bible. It's extremely rare, but all it is is literally the whole Bible on a Game Boy cartridge. So I'm gonna draw the line right there. So have a Happy Holidays and all that good shit. Merry Christmas to all, and all a good fucking night!

This started a little trend I like to call the "Bit Wars." Nobody ever talked about bits before that and nobody ever talked about bits since. And what are bits, anyway? Nobody knew, they're just bits! Try explaining that to your parents. "Well I want a Super Nintendo for Christmas!" "Don't you already have a Nintendo?" "Yeah, but this one's 16 bit!" "What's that?" "...I dunno!"

(playing Attack of the Mutant Penguins) This is the weirdest game I've ever played. I mean, it's not bad if you're drunk or high or something, but how did they come up with this shit? I got it. I could come up with a game like this. How about, you're a shark? And you gotta shake palm trees 'til trains fall down. And you put the trains in an apple and then turkeys come and eat the apples, and then the turkeys go up waterfalls and to get them down, you have to collect monkey butts. So you drop the monkey butts on power lines and... (trails off and mimes his brain exploding)

There's something about this that perplexes me. You have a game console, that not many people owned, so you make an add-on that requires owning the game console. What were they thinking?! It should've just been its own individual game system. Besides, the fucking thing has its own AC adapter. So, that's two. One for the Jaguar, and one for the Jaguar CD. And that's some cool looking design. It looks just like a toilet. Yeah! It's a fucking toilet! What a perfect analogy.

Well, thanks for trying. And thanks for the Pong console. Would you believe that a 30-year-old Pong console attached to a cell phone adapter would work, but a cutting-edge, snarling Jaguar doesn't? There's something wrong here. And you know what? I blew 250 bucks on this thing. So, you know what I did? Bought another one. Yeah, and guess what? It doesn't work, either! So, that's about $450 total I blew on two dead Jaguars. And these things are rare! So when the only two that I can manage to get my hands on just don't work, that leads me to believe that these things most definitely are self-aware. They don't wanna work! You can't make 'em! They just REFUSE to be reviewed! And I've never had that happen. So, the end... I gotta take a shit.

And his full name is Solid Snake? Might as well just be Erect Cock!

What!? You son-of-a-bitch! The enemies respawn if you use the binoculars! You can't do anything! Was this a glitch?! Or were the game designers deliberately trying to be FUCKIN' ASSHOLES!!? Seriously! And this whole jungle scene wasn't even in the original version. Like, "Hmm, let's see, what kind of stupid shit can we add? Let's take a great game and just dump an assload of diarrhea all over it."

This game is the fucking crust between your balls. It's terrible! And yeah, I know it's a classic game, but when something's fucked up, it's fucked up. So if you wanna rip me a new asshole, that's fine. I have like 12. Yeah, I've got a Charlie Brown ghost ass.

And it's not just me. Hideo Kojima himself said "It slurped anal grease through a warthog's dickhole." Well, he didn't say it like that, he said it wasn't faithful to his original game.