AVGN quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

(Upon finding the name of television producer Fred Fuchs in the credits for Bram Stoker's Dracula on SNES) Wait, who's this? Fred Fudge - Fred Fucks?! FRED FUCKS?! Fred Fucks! Oh my God, "Fred Fucks"! Ohh, my God, it's Fred Fucks! (Laughs awkwardly) Fred Fucks.

The game looks amazing for its time, but the control is what kills it. It's so awkward trying to jump. You fall through shit, and the attacks are so delayed. It's impossible to turn around and hit your enemies before they hit you, you just wish you had a whip or a sword or something, not your bare hands. All you get is this stupid little kick to kick the fuckin' rats. Yeah, that's all it is is just rats and bats. How many fucking games need to have bats? Like seriously, I know it's Dracula, but why do so many game have so many fucking bats?! Seriously. I! Fucking! Hate! Bats! (Bites and fights a bat as he throws a bat to the wall then he groans.) I'm sick of it all! Morning sun, VANQUISH ME!!! (Opens blinds as he cries out.)

Alright, so tonight we'll do something a little different. Cause I haven't tortured myself enough with all these shitty games! So I created a monster to conduct the review for me. Behold, Franken-Nerd! I could really use another bolt of lightning! (lightning strikes and the Nerd pulls the switch) Yeah! It's alive! It's alive!

(after shutting off Franken-Nerd, who was playing The Adventures of Dr. Franken for the Nerd up until then) The biggest mistake Dr. Frankenstein made. If you're gonna make a monster, you better be able to shut it down. ...But unfortunately, I can't shut off the game, for the monsters in my soul. It's my duty - (Chuckles) "doody" - to play it for myself and explain why this game sucks! 'Cause I created a monster, and there's no turning back.

(Playing Frankenstein: The Monster Returns on the NES] Stage four is the final stage. Yeah they chose to keep the game as short as possible, yet as annoying as possible. This place is all fucked up. There's all these weird faces in the background. Like where are you supposed to be? Beside Satan's asshole?

So now, just to try again I gotta type in the fucking password! It's so tedious! I mean it's not the longest password I've ever seen but it's still longer than necessary. But unlike most passwords if you move the d-pads to the sides, it doesn't move your cursor to the other side! So say your cursor's on the letter K and you need to move to J, in most games all you need to do is move your cursor left and it will show up on J. But here, you can't do that! You have to move the fucking cursor all the way to the J! A lot of effort considering J comes right before K. It's so fucked up. And, also, if you enter the password and it turns out that it's wrong, like if you messed up on one letter it erases the whole thing and you gotta type it in all over again! Why can't I just go back and fix the one letter? I really hate this password thing in general because, what's the point? You should have unlimited continues. Yeah, because the only reason you should have to put in a password is if you turn the game off and want to come back to it later. As long as you're still playing, you're gonna keep playing the same stages over and over and over again, so what's the point of sending you all the way back to the beginning? The earlier stages are the easiest, and those are the stages you end up playing the most. It's the later stages where you need the most practice! It's all about trial and error. Like imagine if in high school, you fail out of senior year. What happens? You do senior year again, right? You don't have to go back and do freshman year again! So, BOTTOM LINE, HAVE UNLIMITED CONTINUES! Goddammit!

Anyway, I can't get past the vines so I'm going to cheat with Game Genie, the last resort. But check out these codes! "Almost unlimited energy", "Invincibility after losing first life - May cause the game to freeze", "Start with no continues", "Can not collect extra energy", and "One hit is fatal"! What kinds of codes are these!? Is there like some sick fuck who thinks the game isn't hard enough? Like somebody who wants to be tortured some more? Well, how about this? I got a code for you. How about a code that just starts you off dead? (Subtitle: "PHUCKEWE")

At first the code works fine but then I found out if you collect energy it takes life away. Not that you would need to collect energy, but it's kinda silly, isn't it? And, guess what, once you get to the vines, you still die! Well, that would have been nice! Why couldn't the code say Invincibility Except For The Vines? Even if you pass the vines the invinciblity goes away so you're left with your own wits to fight Frankenstein. So, fuck the Game Genie, and let me tell you when Game Genie doesn't help, you know you're fucked! (the Nerd throws the Game Genie.) So, you fight Frankenstein. His first form's pretty easy, but, then, he grows into a giant Super Frankenstein. Come on! Come on! Come on, you fucking Fuckinstein! (Lightning strikes the Franken-Nerd and he starts attacking the Nerd while he's fighting Super Frankenstein and a rock version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays then the Nerd eventually beats Super Frankenstein) Yeah! (The NES Toploader electrocutes the TV as the TV explodes, an explosion kills the Franken-Nerd)

Ohhhhh, boy, let’s talk about the Philips CD-i. Now, if you’re not familiar with the backstory, I’ll give you a quick little run-down. Nintendo was working in conjunction with Philips to produce a CD-based add-on for the Super NES, which never came through. Now Nintendo was also working with Sony on the same concept, and we all know what came of that: the PlayStation. (The Nerd holds up the PlayStation with both hands.) But as for Philips, they too made their own game console, however they had permission to utilize some of the Nintendo franchises. Now what came to that was a shitty Mario game, (Hotel Mario) and three shitty Zelda games: Link: The Faces of Evil, Zelda’s Adventure, and Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon. (The Nerd tries to open the awkward looking case for "Wand of Gamelon.") (awkwardly) Okay. These games are notorious for their legendary ass suckage, which is hard to believe! How can there exist a bad Zelda game, let alone three of them? And on a console that's not Nintendo? Well if you haven't heard of 'em, you might think you're living under a rock, but let me tell you, it's a rock worth living under.

But before we get to the Zelda games, let's start off with Hotel Mario. The price on this one, I got to be honest, was zero because this one was a donation. Thanks, Casey! You might as well have sent me a turd wrapped in tinfoil.

So, often, you find yourself having to hit up on the down arrow, and when you go down to the up arrow you press down. That's fucking confusing.

The game is actually more reminiscent of arcade games from the early ‘80s like Donkey Kong and Mario Bros. And for something like that, Hotel Mario actually isn’t too bad. It is challenging, I’ll give it that, but the fact is, this was not the early ‘80s; this was 1994, and it was a next-generation console. Originally, they planned to release a sequel to Super Mario World titled Super Mario's Wacky Worlds, but it was cancelled, and what we got was this. (Hotel Mario) End of story. Well, all the CD-i stuff is a shit sandwich that’s too big for one mouthful. So check in for Part 2, we’re gonna look at the Zelda games.

Well, in conclusion, some might say that there are redeeming factors to this game. The music's pretty cool, and the graphics are nice and colorful. Some might call it a "mixed bag." But let me tell you what kind of mixed bag. It’s a trash bag that's had a bad day. Like, say, your mom cleans out the cat litter; fresh and stale doody pebbles go right in the bottom of the bag. And then your sister throws out her used tampons, and where do they go? In the same bag. And then your brother comes home, piss-ass drunk, just upchucks, pukes right into the bag! Now, I'm not trying to be disgusting, but that is a realistic situation, and what it all comes down to, that's a nasty bag. But I'd rather take that shit out to the garbage than deal with this piece of fuck! Fuck this game, get out of my face!

(Playing Link: The Faces of Evil) And the jumping is still a big problem. Come on, why can't I get up there? (Link falls off platform) Oh, your mother! (Link jumps up and misses) Oh, you son of a bitch. Get up there! (Link jumps up and misses again, later falls off ledge) Ungh! (Link jumps up and misses once again) It's time to start droppin' some F-Bombs! (as literal F-Bombs fly from his mouth) FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!!

The darkness is still a huge issue. Look, my lantern oil ran out, so I can't find my way back. So I'm really up Shit Creek without a paddle! And that means I'm paddling through the shit with my hands.