AVGN quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

As Nintendo Power progressed, the ads went from being weird to just being fuckin' disgusting. Why the Hell is there a jar of toenail clippings in a video game magazine? What were they thinking!? Now, here's the worst one yet. It's some old creepy bitch holdin' a log of shit. Goddamn. One ad was so gross, I stapled the page shut. I'm actually not joking. Then, this one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great. That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation. Nintendo Power! Don't open unless you've got a barf bag! (looks into Nintendo Power, then pretends to vomit into a bag)

There's also a contest in every issue. Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the Ninja Turtles movie, a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, to win Bill & Tedphone booth, to win a Street Fighter II arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs, or to be an extra in The Mask II. The Mask II? (sarcastically) Oh, that's a great prize! (normally) That movie never got fuckin' made, unless you count Son of Mask, but that wasn't until about 10 years later! And, did they give the winner a rain check for that: to be in a movie with a computer-generated baby or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?

(reading letters) "It is quite apparent what an active and important role marketing plays in the video game industry. I have to wonder what you are thinking when marketing the Nintendo 64 to elementary school gamers. You risk alienating gamers 15 and up. You should target older gamers, because you'll also target younger ones, since the younger audience's perception of coolness often depends on what the older, teenage audience thinks is cool." I agree. And the response? "Your suggestion inspired us to target more teens with our marketing, so tune in to a very special episode of Friends this week to see-" Okay, here's my letter. "Dear Nintendo Power editor, what the fuck is your problem?"

(As Fester) You were expecting, uh, maybe uh, the Ninja Turtles? (a reference to the Nerd's review of the third Ninja Turtles movie)

(As Wednesday) This game better stop suckin' ass, or else I'm gonna have to give it the finger. The middle finger!

(As Gomez) I think it's a shitload of fuck!

(As Fester) Think you'd better shut your ass!

(As Fester) That's the last guy. It's over.

(As Wednesday) That's just the first boss.

(As Fester) That's the last guy.

(As Gomez) It's not.

(As Fester) I know, but let's just say that it is, because that's all I can take.

So, when the game's over, the screen goes black, like a Mortal Kombat fatality. And the girl kicks you in the butt. How violent, she kicks you in the rear. Now I can take bodies getting slashed apart with the chainsaw, but a kick in the ass? That's fucking hardcore. Fuck this game. What a piece of shit.

Did I just die by walking into the fuckin' door!? Yeah. Everything kills you. Literally. Everything.

The decisions to make in this game are similar to if... say you're standing in a pool full of piss all the way up to your neck. Then somebody comes in with a bucket full of fuck to dump on your head. Do you duck down under the piss? Or do you just stay up and take on the shit? This game is like a cruel joke that you play on your friends. It's like, "Hey, you wanna play a game? Here you go, you fuckers!"

This game is notorious among gamers as being one of the most frustrating games in existence. At some time or another, it seems everyone takes a shot at it, and after this review, I'm sure many more people will suffer over it, which is unfortunate. But to quote Full Metal Jacket, "It's just one big shit sandwich and we all gotta take a bite."

(upon being returned to the first screen after getting a Game Over on the second) Man... Man, fuck that shit. Man, you think I'm gonna put myself through that again?! I - GODDAMMIT MAN - (imitates shooting off four of his fingers, leaving the middle one extended upward) MAN, FUCK this game, man! Man - Jesus Christ, I'd rather fuckin' 69 a grizzly bear while shovin' King Kong up my ass! I'd rather fuckin' stand in the middle of a ring of monkeys as they pelt me to death with their own anal waste! Man, fuck this game, FUCK IT TO HELL, FUCK IT TO OBLIVION, FUCK IT TO DAMNATION OF MANKIND!!!

(receiving Home Alone 2 for the NES in a gift-wrapped box) Oh gee. Thanks for sending me this crappy game! Coal would've been nice! Or even better, a bag of poop! So thanks!

So, you start the game trying to escape from this hotel because they found out that you used a stolen credit card. Now you don't wanna fuck with this hotel - they'll get everybody after ya. Not even just the people who work there, but bouncing old ladies with umbrellas, mops - yeah, crazy bloodthirsty mops will try to get ya. Vacuum cleaners? Yeah, those suck you up.

Here, get up the ladder! Get up the fuckin' ladder! There's birds shittin' all over me! Get up the fuckin' ladder! Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! (yells in anger and takes the game out of his NES) Merry Christmas, you filthy animal! YOU MISERABLE FUCKIN' CUNT! PIECE OF SHIT! (hurls the game off-screen and walks up to his game cabinet) Shitty games! All my life! Shitty fuckin' games! I hate shitty fuckin' games! And I hate shitty fuckin' Christmas because shitty fuckin' Christmas means more shitty fuckin' games! HUMBUG! BAH! FUCKIN' HUMBUG IT TO HEEEEEEEEELL!