Geoffrey Jellineck quotes from Strangers with Candy

Geoffrey Jellineck

It doesn't matter when you get here - just what time.

Jellineck

If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we'd all have a bowl of granola!

Jellineck

But please, no mylar balloons. They never deflate and I just don't have the heart to throw them away.

Jellineck

[to Stew] Simmer down... Stew. Obviously you have a beef, Stew, but please don't stir things up.

Jellineck

I've gotta run but as soon as you're ready to talk about your family problems with an art teacher you can call me.

Jellineck

Look, all I'm saying is if you still wanna smoke pot then be prepared to spend a lot of time laughing with your friends.

Jellineck

My whole teaching career is a farce, wrapped in a masquerade, smothered in a facade frosting.

Jellineck

GODDAMMIT! You're picking at my brain like a jackal!

Jellineck

I'm a pacifist. I pass a fist.

Jellineck

Some have called me a coward, but others have called me a pussy. Understand?

Mr. Jellineck! I can't form the pot!

Jellineck

Easy there. OK, look... Grasp the pot like you would a mischievous child's neck. Go on, dig your thumbs in there like you're gouging out the eyes of an enemy.

Jerri

Mr. Noblet wants me to snitch on a friend.

Jellineck

Snitching doesn’t seem like you, Jerri.

Jerri

Oh, it’s not what you think. It’s not like snitching on a real person. She's--

Jellineck

Gay?

Jerri

Retarded.

Jellineck

Yes, most of them are.

Jerri

Most who are what?

Jellineck

Most gay people are retarded.

Jerri

Does that mean Kimberly Timbers is gay?

Jellineck

I don’t know. Hey! Make a pass at her and find out. She'd have to be retarded to turn you down.

Jellineck

Your daughter has a disease we call... anorexia.

Sara

Is that contagious?

Jellineck

Yes. It often sweeps through third world countries that are stricken by drought.

Jellineck

Let him talk!

Him who?

Jellineck

Him me!

Jellineck

Jerri, is this how you imagine yourself?

Jerri

No, I ran out of clay.