Onyx Blackman quotes from Strangers with Candy

Blackman

Talk your monkey ass off.

Blackman

Dear Lord, thank you for giving this game your undivided attention. We'll try to be brief so you can return your energies to the movement of the stars and the condemnation of the Jews. Please hand us an easy victory. I'm not saying that if we lose we'll turn away. But do you really want to take that risk? And finally, just as you cured the blind, thank you for curing this team of the blind. Oh, and, uh, forgive me for that thing I did with the thing. Amen.

Blackman

You must be about as worn out as a hooker on VJ Day.

Blackman

[upon walking into the cafeteria] Good Lord! Is this where they eat?! Tell me this is some kind of holding cell for miscreants.

Blackman

Noblet... why are you crying? It's only a melon. Just a lonely melon... no other melons around, not a patch in sight. What's it doing out here? And why is it carrying a picnic basket with two of everything: two portobella mushroom sandwiches, two macaroons... Who would abandon a faceless melon? Can you imagine how that melon must've felt, Noblet? Can you imagine?

Blackman

If one of my teachers loses his face, I lose face!

Blackman

[excusing himself from Jellineck's bedside in the hospital] I've got to go see a student in the maternity ward.

Blackman

Don't make me put my rings on!

Blackman

Block the door with your budding femininity!

Blackman

[to students visiting Jellineck] Do not cry out in terror if you gaze upon the grossly misshapen mass that was once his head. Act natural. No matter how strongly your monkey reflexes might kick in telling you to flee in terror. Now, I'll go see if he's ready. [Blackman goes into Jellineck's ward] Sweet Jesus, protect me!

Blackman

I'm an obtuse man, so I'll try to be oblique. Your illiteracy has made me the whipping boy of this school district. I attended the school board meeting this morning, and they all had their little laugh. It was a feeding frenzy of cackling hyenas, and I was the wildebeest carcass.

Blackman

In order to enhance your individuality to conformity, I'm instituting a dress code based on your own requests that I imagine you would have requested had I asked for your requests.

Blackman

[to Stew] Are you insane in the membrane?

Blackman

Lead on, you stupid junkie whore!

Sara

What I'd like to know is, why are there retarded people in school with my daughter?

Principal Onyx Blackman

Mrs. Blank, we're doing our best to weed them out, but some of these retards are extremely clever.