Chuck Noblet quotes from Strangers with Candy

Noblet

Jerri, let me give you a little advice: No one makes friends with a failure. Okay? Understand? Now you run along and have fun. Bye-bye. Lock the door.

Noblet

Following his violent revolution, Gandhi was devoured by his followers.

Noblet

All right, everybody. For tomorrow, I want you to write a history poem on Hiroshima. But nothing too [writing on blackboard] faggy.

Noblet

Before we leave, that is Ricky, he's a new student here at Flatpoint... Now, I want you to treat Ricky like you would any other student you know nothing about and who evidently feels he can walk into my classroom in the middle of the semester and expect me to change my lesson plan.

Noblet

(After a portion of Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech) A moving vision of the future. King's dream was for an America without racism of any kind. The tragedy, of course, is that all this footage is in black and white. Imagine how powerful it would have been in color.

Noblet

You can't unfry things, Jerri.

Noblet

Jerri, you did better than good... you did gooder.

Noblet

[reading aloud from a note confiscated from Jerri] "My vagina is on fire. I'm trying not to scratch it, Orlando, I'm afraid it will get infected. P.S. I just know I'm going to win homecoming queen. That will show those sons of bitches, especially Noblet, that homo-" Jerri, see me after class.

Noblet

Jerri, I know you want to be homecoming queen. We all want to be homecoming queen.

Noblet

[weeping wretchedly] Those lips! Oh, those pillowy lips!

Noblet

All right, anyone who doesn't not want to avoid passing the midterm exam, raise your hand now. [Pause. Several hands go up hesitantly.] Okay. Those of you who raised your hands will fail, as you requested.

And meanwhile, our brothers from the east were eating bowls of rice safely nestled in their internment camps.

Chuck Noblet

Excellent report, Poppy. It's important that we never forget the atrocities the Japanese committed against our boys.

Jerri

[standing in front of the class] History has taught us many things. For example: I can't smoke one stick of pot or take one needle of coke. One night – I'll make this quick – one night, I was thrown by a horse and I had to have a laminectomy...

Noblet

Thank you, Jerri.

Jerri

...now you all know the size of a king-size sheet, right? Well, you try scrambling down that in the dark after a boot of skag or a snort of horse...

Noblet

Really, Jerri, that's fine. What was your report on again?

Jerri

Brazil.

Jerri

Packing a Musket, by Jerri Blank. When you work from your home and johns call on the phone, you're a call girl. When you walk till you're limp and give a cut to a pimp, you're a street whore. When they're begging ya "please," to get down on your knees, near their groinage, 'scusa me, but ya see, don't ya touch where they pee, without coinage.

Noblet

Thank you, Jerri, that'll be...

Jerri

When I straddle and squat, to show you my... [bell rings, drowning Jerri's voice out]

Noblet

Oh, and remember I need the permission slips for this week's trip to Good Time Island.

Where's your permission slip?

Noblet

SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH.