Strangers with Candy · Season 1, Episode 4
“Who Wants Cake” · Season 1, Episode 4
In this episode: Jerri Blank (3), Chuck Noblet (3), Geoffrey Jellineck (1), Onyx Blackman (1), Sara Blank (1)
Packing a Musket, by Jerri Blank. When you work from your home and johns call on the phone, you're a call girl. When you walk till you're limp and give a cut to a pimp, you're a street whore. When they're begging ya "please," to get down on your knees, near their groinage, 'scusa me, but ya see, don't ya touch where they pee, without coinage.
Thank you, Jerri, that'll be...
When I straddle and squat, to show you my... [bell rings, drowning Jerri's voice out]
All right, everybody. For tomorrow, I want you to write a history poem on Hiroshima. But nothing too [writing on blackboard] faggy.
Oh, and remember I need the permission slips for this week's trip to Good Time Island.
Where's your permission slip?
SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH.
[on tape] Hi. This is Wilford Brimley. Welcome to Retardation: A Celebration. Now, hopefully with this book, I'm gonna dispel a few myths, a few rumors. First off, the retarded don't rule the night. They don't rule it. Nobody does. And they don't run in packs. And while they may not be as strong as apes, don't lock eyes with 'em, don't do it. Puts 'em on edge. They might go into berzerker mode; come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows. You might be screaming "No, no, no" and all they hear is "Who wants cake?" Let me tell you something: They all do. They all want cake.
Mr. Noblet wants me to snitch on a friend.
Snitching doesn’t seem like you, Jerri.
Oh, it’s not what you think. It’s not like snitching on a real person. She's--
Gay?
Retarded.
Yes, most of them are.
Most who are what?
Most gay people are retarded.
Does that mean Kimberly Timbers is gay?
I don’t know. Hey! Make a pass at her and find out. She'd have to be retarded to turn you down.
What I'd like to know is, why are there retarded people in school with my daughter?
Mrs. Blank, we're doing our best to weed them out, but some of these retards are extremely clever.
I've changed. People change. Changes... I'm not the same Jerri Blank who informed on those blind orphans. I'm not the same Jerri Blank who revealed the hiding place of those Guatemalans... such as yourself. And I'm not the same Jerri Blank who took a crap in the Fleishmanns' holly bushes... last night.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Strangers with Candy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
