You were great, Frybo. The kids today just didn't understand. And now... [cries] they never will...
PearlWeren't people scared of it before he attacked them?
It's time... [takes out lighter] to send him off.
[he lights the suit on fire, as Pearl, using the end of her spear, along with Steven's clothing push it out to the moonlit sea]
[sighs] As greasy in death... as he was in life.
Dad? Um... I'll... Are you going to get another costume? [long beat]
..Nah, I don't need another Frybo. I've got... [puts arm around Peedee] the Fryman.
[beat. Steven turns to Pearl smiling and posing heroically while standing naked]
Pearl, I think our work here is done.
Pearl
[frowning] Put your clothes on, Steven.
[Amethyst shows off her shapeshifting abilities]
Pearl
Amethyst, you're overdoing it.
[as a bluejay] Ah, chill it, dude!
Pearl
Just because you can shapeshift, doesn't mean you should.
Pearl
Well, of course-
[sarcastically, transformed into Pearl] Well, of course I can! I'm perfect! [slaps her behind] WHOMP, WHOMP! [laughs as Pearl pushes her aside]
Pearl
All Gems have shapeshift powers, Steven. We can turn into objects, we can change parts of our bodies, or... we could do that.
[slapping her behind again] WHOMP, WHOMP!
Pearl
Steven! [climbs onto dock and holds his hand] Okay, let me see it. W-? Y-you got them to go away? [Steven smiles] It just goes to show, always listen to me, and never listen to Amethyst.
It goes to show, you should have a little more faith in Steven. [Pearl blushes]
Yeah, that would have been a total "cat-tastrophe"!
APAmethyst and Pearl
[sarcastically] Hahahahaha...
But I'm feeling much better "meow"!
[The Gems groan]
What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?
Okay, that's enough. [The Gems leave in annonyance]
Wait, l've been comimg up with cat jokes all morning. You guys, l'm "feline" fine. Everything's "purr"- fect!
Looks like we're gonna have to split up.
Pearl
Right. Steven and I will stay right here where it seems to be safe... while you guys go and solve the mystery of this place.
Wait! I wanna help solve the mystery!
Yeah! Come on, Steven! [picks him up] Let's solve the mystery.
Yeah! Mystery solvers! [Pearl takes Steven]
Pearl
Nope. No, no, no, no, you two are a disaster waiting to happen.
But remember — this is a serious mission.
[still being held by Pearl] Understood. Serious Steven... Pearl, can you put me down?
Pearl
What? Oh, yes, of course. [lets him down]
I need to be standing or else it doesn't work. Serious Steven... activate!! [goes with Garnet]
Pearl
But this could be the teacups all over again!
Hey! I've put that behind me.
We're back where we started.
Whaaat?! [Pearl comes in]
Pearl
Garnet! There you are! The doors and rooms here make no sense! They all bring you back here! [Amethyst runs out of a door growling and screaming]
Get me outta here! [runs into another door]
Pearl
There are sixteen doors and we entered from the northeast, and went through three consecutive rooms in a straight line... [Amethyst returns with a bear trap on her head]
Ow! Rrrrr-rah!! [throws bear trap, runs back where she came]
Pearl
But arrived back here out the southernmost door, which can only mean... W-well, I don't know what it means! I— [cool mist blows out; Amethyst slides along inside a block of ice] This is a death trap!! [tries to break Amethyst free with her spear]
We go back in... again, and again, and again, and again.
Pearl
Steven!
No! No, it's not! You were all right about me! I wanted to do this so bad, but now I feel like I'm gonna throw up. THIS IS JUST LIKE THE TEACUPS!!!
Pearl
Oh, Steven, I-I didn't really mean that—
WAAAAIT!!! Ah!! Wait, you guys! What if this is just like the teacups? That's why we're getting so lost... That's why I'm feeling so sick! All the rooms are spinning us around so we end up here!
Pearl
How could you possibly think punching a blood polyp was a good idea?! Look at all the gunk you got on me! And look at Steven! [brief pause; Steven is nowhere to be found]
YYin
He's gone! Gone, gone, GONE!
[rushes back to the gems] It's not so bad once you get use to it! Why? 'Cause you like dogs, princesses, whores, and [in a bossy attitude] To eat my shorts!
Pearl
He certainly won't brotherfuckin' like it when it hardens!
Uh, what? Uh, I'm gonna go wash. [begins to walk away]
Pearl
He shouldn't have been so close in the first place. [Steven hardens in place near fridge]
How was I supposed to know they pop? [Steven struggles]
Pearl
You're always putting us in danger with your little outbursts! [Amethyst ignoring her] Ugh, you are just... so childish!!
Yeah, yeah. Don't forget: reckless, vulgar, "loudmouthed". And that's just what makes me so AWESOME!! RIGHT, GARNET?!!
Amethyst... you are a Crystal Gem. You need to act like it. [Amethyst pauses for a long beat]
Fine. [walks through temple door into her room]
Pearl
I think we really got through to her. [Garnet sighs; she walks to the front door with Pearl behind] Right, Garnet? [she closes door, Steven is still hardened]
Wait! I want to tell you Purple Puma's backstory. He was the wildest cat in the jungle, so wild that the others cats couldn't take it. So she, I mean he went to look for somewhere he fit in, somewhere with other people who felt misunderstood.
That really sounds like Steven. [Lars shushes Sadie]
That's why we're all here. To be wild and free, and body slam each other, and wear cool costumes, and make up nicknames and and uh..so can't we just have this? Can't we just wrestle? [Garnet takes microphone]
No. [everyone gasps] Because we are the...Notorious Order of Wrestling Haters.
Pearl
That's right! Um...we want to stop all wrestling everywhere! Are you going to let us destroy all wrestling?
You gotta save wrestling! Come on! Tiger! Puma! Tiger! Puma!
Pearl
[about to bubble desert glass] We should've done this in the first place.
[to Lion] So I guess, this is goodbye. We had some good times, but I'm sure you have other magical stuff, to smash with other magical boys. [moving Lion's lips] "I love you Steven. I want to stay with you forever!" [gasp] Really? Guys you hear that?
Pearl
Are we really going to let him keep that?
Pearl
[laughs hysterically] Oh, oh ho ho, "kept Amethyst", oh Garnet, that's priceless!
Yay, Lion! [makes Lion wink] Wink!
Welcome to a wonderland of funtronic gameventions! [laughs]
Pearl
Humans find such fascinating ways to waste their time.
Pearl! [takes her hand] Pearl come on, you'll love this game! [leads Pearl away]
Pearl
If you say so. [Sits down at racing game] Road Killer?
Yeah, pick the car you like and just go for it!
Pearl
W-well, which one of these buttons is my turn signal?
None of them. Have fun. [leaves]
RKRoad Killer
Vroom vroom, kill the road!
Pearl
Okaaay...
[pelted with water balloons] Ahh... It feels good to lose.
Pearl
[clears throat] I certainly hope that's not the attitude you have during battle.
Ugh, you're no fun anymore. This is why we never form Opal.
Pearl
We don't form Opal because you're difficult and a mess!
We don't form Opal because you're uptight and—
[jumps in between them] Guys! Guys!! What is Opal?
Oh, it's the two of us, mashed together.
Pearl
[scoffs] Is water just hydrogen and oxygen "mashed" together?
Pearl
Analogy wasted. Look here, Steven. [manipulates the sand to demonstrate] When we synchronize our forms, we can combine into a powerful fusion gem named Opal.
[stomps it] Except I don't dance like that.
Pearl
Amethyst..!
Wow! That's so cool! But tell me more about Opal!
Well, Steven, she's an ultra-powerful, stone-cold Betty. That's part's me. And she's like, kinda tall—that part's Pearl.
Pearl
What Amethyst is attempting to say is, Opal is an amalgam of our magical and physical attributes fused into a single entity.
Wow, can you do it right now?! Come on, form Opal!! [Amethyst scoffs]
Pearl
We only form Opal when it's absolutely necessary.
Pearl
So, was your mission a success?
I've located the geode beetles of Heaven and Earth. We should split up to retrieve them.
Well, I'm going with not Pearl.
Pearl
That's perfect because I don't want go with grammatically incorrect people anyway.
You three go together. I go alone.
APAmethyst/Pearl
What?! Why?!
The Earth Beetle is at the bottom of the boiling lava lake, and only I can swim in lava. [summons goggles, straps itself] You'll find the Heaven Beetle at the top of the Sky Spire. It's safer.
Pearl
You mean more boring.
Pearl
Ugh! Come on, you two, let's go. [Steven runs with Amethyst and Pearl to the warp pad]
Steven, be sure to keep the harmony.
No problem! Today's gonna be all about HAR-MON— [warps in and out] —NYYY—oomph!!
[dressed as a clown] Happy Birthday! Honk! [squeezes his red nose]
Steven, that is a brave look.
Pearl
How?
[almost starts to explain, then looks nervous] Oh geez, I'm breaking character. Wait, wait, wait! I wrote some jokes! [takes out some pages of jokes] "Why did Pearl throw butter out the window?"
Pearl
[looking hurt] I never did that. Steven... are you telling lies?
Okay, there's no way you're not gonna love this! [gestures to three kiddie cars, then holds up a kazoo] It's kazoo racers! You get in a car, you play a kazoo! [blows kazoo, then holds up three more] What more could you want?! Dad used to do this for me every year.
Pearl
[whispering to Garnet nervously] I think this is why aging makes humans die!
Steven, thank you for the birthday parties, but I don't think we'll need anymore.
Our age is only an illusion, and Pearl's pretty sure this ritual is more for human children.
Pearl
[still nervous] Nothing against children!
Children? Everyone gets to have birthdays! Seriously, give it a try. You're never too old!
You're not too big! [trying to climb into a car] Y-y-you just get in, and then, uh...
[shapeshifts into a baby, in small war jeep] I can fit! Which way to the baby war? [driving] EAT TREAD, DIRTBAGS!
[after a rapidly-ageing Steven is close to dying with Crystal Gems arguing in tears]
Would you guys just... please... [regresses into young man] control yourselves?! [beat] Uh... oh, no... [regresses into teen] Oh, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have yelled! But I can't stand to see you [transforms to young man] freaking out like this!
Pearl
Wha...?
Pearl
Your age is fluctuating! I think your gem is reacting to your state of mind!
STEVEN!! STOP FEELING OLD!!
[regresses into teen] But I wasted your time! [transforms into old man] We all have such little time...
Pearl
You have to feel like yourself! Sweet and considerate and only occasionally obnoxious!
[regresses into teen] You really think I'm all those things?
Why else would you throw us all those parties?!
Oh my gosh! You're right! [regresses back, to his old self] I am pretty great.
Pearl
Oh, Steven! [Pearl and Amethyst rush to hug him] Steven!
We'll work on the rest... later. [Steven pulls up his shirt to reveal he still has full grown legs, laughs nervously]
HPHolo-Pearl
"Do you wish to battle again?"
[running around her] Pearl!! That was amazing! You were so cool!
Pearl
Oh-ho-ho, well... one does try their best.
Will you teach me to sword fight like you?
Pearl
[chuckles] All right. But we should start with the basics. [clears throat] Initiate training mode. [Holo-Pearl stands]
HPHolo-Pearl
"Training mode initiated. Level one, begin!"
Pearl
I want you to stand back, Steven, and watch me carefully, okay?
HPHolo-Pearl
"Parry! Parry! Thrust! Parry! Parry! Thrust!"
Pearl
Do you see what I'm doing with my feet, Steven? [Steven is starting to wind down for a beat] Notice where I keep my center of gravity.
Aw! Can you show me something cool? Like the Boomerang Blade!
Pearl
Steven... you know that's not a real sword technique!
Boomerang Blade! Boomerang Blade!! BOOMERANG BLADE!!
Pearl
Steven, these are real sword techniques! Not those silly things from your movies! It's about waiting carefully for the perfect moment to—
HPHolo-Pearl
(SHIK!!) "THRUST!!" [Pearl grunts, Steven gasps]
[angle on Steven with shadows of Holo-Pearl's sword and stabbed Pearl, with the latter dropping her sword]
Pearl
..Wh-whoopsie-daisy! Steven, it's okay. I'm gonna be just—
[Pearl explodes into a cloud of vapor with her gemstone slumps on the ground]
NNOOOOOO!!! [cradles her gemstone, crying] Pearl?! Pearl!!
HPHolo-Pearl
"Challenger defeated. Level one failed!"
Steven Universe · 493 quotes
