Early Cuyler quotes from Squidbillies

Hmm now that's interesting.

What?

This rabbit's been hit by a hammer.

Howdy doody, Donna, nice ass this morning, yeah! You wearing panties?

Actually, I need to get off here...

Steve, big dog! Here's the pot I've been growin' on my property. See if this don't help wit' your wife bitchin' and all that mess!

Not here, man...

Pine cone liquor? Anybody? Well then...how 'bout a fried possum pecker? Uh oh! [belches]

See if that sumbitch'll fax now.

It never was able to fax. It's a coffee maker.

(long pause) You dumbass, you can't fax coffee! Coffee don't fax worth a damn. Every time the rain hits it'll run. Damn you uhh dumb sumbitch.

Alright, look. I want you to take all those things that are eating away, weighing you down inside, and I want you to pull them all out... and scream them out at the top of your lungs. Sheriff?

Who, me?

Yeah, just cut loose. I mean, just get it all off your chest. This is a safe haven for both of you gentlemen.

Okay. (Shuffles to edge of cliff) Well, you see... Early... well, he don't respect...

Are you done? Everybody stand back, it's my turn.

No...

Nyuh huh, I just called it. (Begins to nudge the Sheriff out of the way)

(Kicks Early away) Don't you push me! You always push me into positions I don't like! I'm the law! And you break the law and you still expect me to be your friend? How can I be who I am and still be in a relationship with you! It's always about you! You think you're the center of the universe and we all...

...moved the show to Friday, head-to-head with CSI? Come on! You've got to give a show time to find an audience...

...hell, you know he can act! He played Doogie Howser for seven seasons!

(Claps) Excellent work gentlemen, excellent. (Looks at watch, begins to back away) Hey, ah, I think this is about as good as it gets, guys...

Naw! Naw! Without us they have no network...

...often wondered if I even do have a pair! Yes, of testicles! (Grabs crotch) I've never seen them, no! And you dressed me in chiffon! Pretty, pretty chiffon! Well, guess what! I think I'm pregnant... again! Thanks a lot, mama! (Whips off shirt and throws it off the cliff) Whew, well, that felt pretty good.

(Begins to back away) I, I really need to, um, sorta wrap this thing up.

Wait a minute! Ain't I gonna get to yell nothin'?

Well, (sighs) sure Early... go ahead.

Whoo! Gimme back my bullets! Ooh, that smell! What the hell is that smell? (Holds up lighter) Whoo!

Well, um... do you have any concerns of not really a Skynyrd-deep cut?

Uh, yeah, something has been kinda gnawing at me. Stand back. (Yells off cliff) Show me them titties!

Are you talkin' to my mama?

If she'll do it! Will she do it?

Don't you dare hurt him!

Oh, and what's your saggy mouth gunna say about it?

Ablomandelebicus, Pentoculus, Benturpenoise, Farntormion, Crisco, Dophenecta, Glabbaflontonion, Smectarufus, Fontanox, Chicken Dance, Trenoctor, Pontallafamarion, Tudonox, Mellicanisis!

You lucky bitch! That is the one thing you coulda said.

Yeah okay.

One o' these days, you ain't gon' remember that freaky word. I'll be around!

Why don't you take that weak shit to the park? Where maybe the squirrels'll care.

Early, it's my job to protect and serve all forms of life, even the unhatched. Every American has the right to life!

Even that crazy bitch in Houston what killed all them cats in the bathtub?

Well yeah, she should die, but I'm talking about the unborn. Inside that egg is a beatin' heart; a soul, this small. And uh, while I don't understand how Rusty might have conceived-

Diplarobosomosexualosmosis, right down 'ere in his buttcrack.

Alright, alright, whatever, is that how he did it? My point is, this is a life. And even though you don't love it, you don't have any money, and you won't give it any opportunities, this here egg could grow up to be president. Or find the cure for homosexuality! waiterminute, hell, even become the next Tom T. Hall!

So whatcher sayin' is uh, that my grandbaby rightchere might someday grow up to be the gay president of Tom T. Hall? Outstandiner than hell.

Fruit don't talk, fruit just listens... and waits.

I'm sorry Granny you alright?

Aaaah! A Talkin' honeydew! It's the apocalypse!" :

"I'm bout ta slap ya lips!"

Aight now, ya'll bow yer heads. Lord...(Rusty blares out Electronia music and begins dancing with glowsticks) Russell, kindly turn down the electronica. (Rusty turns off music) Lord, please allow these scratched lottery tickets with their slivery seasonings to nourish our bodies as they were unable to do the same to our wallets. And thank ya fer the untimely frost which clamed my bananer orchard. Oh, I was a fool ta plant bananers on a mountain! You made sure of that. So, in short, thanks for nothin'.

Lil

Ain't you gonna thank him fer that truck-boat-truck of yers?

You silly bitch! Don't be tellin' him 'bout my truck-boat-truck!

But, Daddy, you tell everybody 'bout that truck-boat-truck. That's yer pride and joy.

'Cause its bad-ass is why! Check out this mess!

Listen to that 450 big block! Wahow!

Lil

That ain't Patrick Swayze.

He is if I have enough cold beer.

Patrick, I know you must get this all the time, but if it wouldn't be too much trouble for ya, would you please drop a double duce ass whoopin' on my boy.

I'm from texas... I ride horses.

Will you keep it down for cryin' out loud? I'm trying to watch my stories. (Stares at a butter churn which has replaced the TV) And I'm havin' a really hard time. Stories?

Nuh-uh. I done give away the story box. From now on we gonna enjoy this classic butter churn. (Begins churning)

(Looks around) Oh where's the TV? 'Cause now I'm pissed.

Come on now, everybody take a turn! Idle hands is the devil's ding-a-ling!

Looks like they found out your name wasn't Awesome Bill from Dawsonville.

Well yeah it is.

... No. Early, it's not.

Damnit to hell you know that too?

Stone Mountain. World's most appropriately named mountain in the South East. And look carved there on the side, the four horseman of the confederacy. Stonewall Jackson, Robert E. Lee, Jefferson Davis, and Pacman!

A rebel's hero. Come up to Gettysburg to kick some damn ass! If it weren't for Pacman, we might'a lost the damn war!

(on Rudolph's head) Check this out--a bonafide 8-point. I'm gonna mount it on my toilet.

(tied to a chair) He was so rare.

He's about to be medium-rare.

What could you possibly want from me?

Oh, I think you know what I want, Santy Claus.

Cuyler, it's impossible...

I only ever asked ya for one thing.

I just...I can't do it.

(jumping onto Santa's beard) Damn it, I been a good boy! Now how many years I gotta wait? I want me the greatest gift of all!

I won't bring you the still-beating heart of Jeff Gordon! All right? I've said it!

Well...Nicholas, I'm disappointed. We'll do it this way--Russell, get me my straight razor.

No, no, please, we don't have to go this way.

Okay, okay, you right.

Thank you.

I'm thinkin' the rusty fish scaler instead.