Dan Halen quotes from Squidbillies

Jesus loves you. Why doesn't the government?

Science, you cheap whore.

I have to say it was all worth it! Screw every last one of you!

I should have put it together. The copious references to "Nature Boy" Ric Flair and former Black Crowes bassist Johnny Colt. Hell, Halen, they're written on waffle bar napkins. Where was my analytical mind?!

Do you think this is the only illegal thing I have to do today?

Allow me to pose a hypothesis. Say, hypothetically, I... slayed a prostitute during an 8-Ball fuelled weekend of debauchery. I know, it sounds silly but bear with me. Would this hole in space-time be a good place for such a hypothetical and now very lifeless body?

I've tailored your film to appeal to the local populous... as they drag their jaws through the street like common simians.

Shoot him! Shoot him, Sheriff! Shoot him at once. Where are you going?

Okay. So…We good here? Recommence the fracking!

So under experience you've listed here, on your hat-shaped resume, that you can: skin a buck, run a trout-line and that all your rowdy friends-

Are comin' over tonight, yes sir.

Early, you're the most impressive squid I've interviewed for this position. Let's talk briefly about your work ethic.

Well I don't think ethnics do no work. I mean, that's they problem, really. If you ain't like me, go hang from a damn tree.

Overt racial prejudice. Impressive, Early.

What I gotta do?

Well, you're my boss, and as CEO, you'll have certain responsibilities like showing up...and leaving...and accepting liability for...certain class action lawsuits that may, or may not, and in fact, currently are being levied against new products, such as...

The Pocket Surgeon! Just scrape the rust from the collapsible tumor scoop and...

Look, you won't have to know any of this stuff. The point is people are dumb, not like you.

Is my mind goin on me or am I watching you jibber jabber like some sort of jibberty box. Jibber Jabber on! Jibber Jabber on!

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just a brash intern. It won't happen again...sir.

Well, damn. Now I feel bad. Tell you what, take the day off. Workin' with me, fire 'n ice. I gotta warn ye! Fire 'n ice.

Go behind the Dumpster and mate the tangy with the mild.

Well, how I go about doing that?

Tie Tangy up, have a black chicken fuck it in a fake rape scenario while Mild watches helpless because that's what gets him off.

Mr. Halen, take a look at this. (Turns on TV showing a police riot) The Chicago Democratic Convention in 1968.

Ah, the '60s. I'll never forget them.

I believe that's you in the upper-left corner hitting someone with a chain.

(laughing) I remem-- I remember I made that guy taste the chain. "Taste the chain," I said again and again, long after he was incapable of tasting anything.

We found this in the archives after the invasion of Poland. (Plays stock footage of Halen alongside Adolf Hitler, saluting in full uniform and shouting, "Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil!")

We belonged to the same gym. I suppose you'll take that image out of context and make it into something.

Here you are in Berlin in 1926.

So I used to be a transvestite cabaret host. You have a point with this?

According to our research, Dan Halen has apparently existed throughout recorded history.

(against a montage featuring him in a direct capacity, starting with...) Everyone tortured political prisoners during the medieval era. (Atop a Mayan pyramid, pulling out a heart) This sacrifice led to plenty of rain. The maize crop that year was wonderful. (At the feet of the Crucifixion, wooden hammer in hand) I was taking the nail out. I was trying to help the man. (Cave painting of a body struck by three arrows and Halen with lit torch, dragging woman by the hair) Well, it's not like I invented fire. (As a monk holding a rat over a body) So I spread some of the Black Plague. (Whipping Egyptian slaves) Those Egyptians were trying to steal precious artifacts from the British museum. (Atop a unicorn, close to a Tyrannosaurus) Well, that-- that was just an accident.

Mr. Halen, these pictures prove you're tens of thousands of years old.

Melissa...

What do you say to these charges?

I don't recall.

You don't recall that you're a living embodiment of evil?

Uh, no. No, I don't recall that.

A plague on humanity from the beginning of time?

Mmm...no. No, I don't recall.

We have film evidence. We have pictures.

Come on!

What could you possibly say to these charges, Mr. Halen?

I'm sorry, but I'm not equipped to reach a conclusion regarding that assessment at this time. And what's more, let me add that I will explode your head for saying that.

Mr. Hal... (Her head explodes)

Yes, there's no such thing as a free necklace, muckraker.

Oh hey there, Someone's ears are burning. We are just talking about you-- [Mr. Corn Maze rips Dan Halen in half] AAAHH!!

[picks ups Sherrif] Hello.

Wassup?

Nice face painting.

Yeah. Well, It's supposed to be Spider-Man. Also supposed to be temporary.