Santa quotes from Squidbillies

(on Rudolph's head) Check this out--a bonafide 8-point. I'm gonna mount it on my toilet.

(tied to a chair) He was so rare.

He's about to be medium-rare.

What could you possibly want from me?

Oh, I think you know what I want, Santy Claus.

Cuyler, it's impossible...

I only ever asked ya for one thing.

I just...I can't do it.

(jumping onto Santa's beard) Damn it, I been a good boy! Now how many years I gotta wait? I want me the greatest gift of all!

I won't bring you the still-beating heart of Jeff Gordon! All right? I've said it!

Well...Nicholas, I'm disappointed. We'll do it this way--Russell, get me my straight razor.

No, no, please, we don't have to go this way.

Okay, okay, you right.

Thank you.

I'm thinkin' the rusty fish scaler instead.

What are you going to do to me?

You ever see the movie Saw II?

Oh no, oh no, please, please...

No? Me, neither.

I done tell you once, you son-of-a-bitch, I'm the best that's ever been!

What?

Fire in the mountain, run boys run!

Okay, this is Big Crimson Daddy. Stop production on all sex toys immediately.

We're... everything?

Uh... I could maybe fold the anal beads team into yo-yos, but... but no vibrators.

Can't we just call them "back massagers"?

No... yes. Yes, we can make that work. I'll call Sharper Image.

What about these, Santa?

The Kalishnakovs? With the Drum-Triber air sight and the fixed stock... oh, God, that's a nice weapon... uh... let me hold off on that one.