Rusty Cuyler quotes from Squidbillies

You said if I could afford to bring back enough for you then you don't care what I do and It's my body and I can kill it however I want to and America's about freedom

Y'all hear that? That's what it'd sound like if we had insurance.

Hail Satan, my dark lord and master.

I reckon I don't never understand you.

Granny! Granny! No!

P-Nut! No!

P-Nut!

Today we's learnin' about rawks. They's all kinds of rawks. These [picks up rock] is rawks which you throw. These here [throws rock at Rusty] is rawks that you get hit with. And this, [pulls out Rusty's tooth] is a tooth. Now time for attendence. Rusty.

Rusty.

[grabs Rusty] Boy, do you wanna pass this class or what?

Yes I do Daddy I'd like that very much.

Then when I say Rusty, you say here. Rusty.

... Rusty.

Ok. On to history. What just happened?

... I dunno.

Hell I dunno either. Must be a repossessed memory. Damn you party liquor! [looks at liquor, which is actually a can of paint thinner, in contempt and starts to drink]

Today we's going on a field trip. This here's a field. And you's goin' take a trip!

Daddy I din know we had well.

We don't. [Throws Rusty into a well. Rusty screams] If ya get out ya pass.

Did I pass?

Pass what?

The field trip!

............. Nope. Now clean yourself up you're going to a prom.

Ain't nothin' gonna stop me now but my innate inabilitry to progress conganacious thunk.

Now where's that money check? Come to your daddy, come on!

Oh hell, Early, I gave that to Granny.

What the hell?

Well, I mean, she said she was the principal.

She was the damn tennis coach! What kind of damn- [The three are run over by a passing train]

Nope, I don't need no internet. No sir. Not in my life.

What's that, daddy?

Rusty, what do you think of white people?

Well, I... I reckon they OK. I'll like 'em ol' Doobie Brothers.

[To Granny] He ain't ready.

That's not rightly fair, Early. We all of us love 'em Doobie Brothers.

Yeah, I reckon you right. Damn them Doobies and they Chinese Grove!

Russell, you ready for the special night tonight?

What we gonna do? Go down Atlanta, whip our shirts off and start a bunch of bullmess?

Nope [spits]... funner than that.

Give us the strength to cleanse the earth of the milk/chalk scourge, so's to keep 'em away from me.

Dump 'em on an island! Blow up the island! (Shoots his gun in the sky) Whoo!

Look ye upon this cash money, a symbol of the whites' power, how they jingulate their pockets full of metal-y money.

Burn all the...metal-ly money.

Burn it now!

Whoo! Alright now, Granny, burn your money.

No thank you (replaces money under robe)... and these skis, tools of their wicked recreational activity.

Chalk-man a' skiing on his white snow in his tightie whites, just like the white wing dove sing a song about what they singin'!

Whoo, baby, whoo, baby, whoo.

Burn the damn skis!

At a boy Rusty, burn them sum-bitches, embrace the hatred!

...and they live in houses, don't they daddy?

Burn the damn house!

Lil

(Sitting inside the burning house) Huh... I guess white people do live in houses.

Hot damn! What about these trees over here daddy?

Hmm? What about these trees granny?

No, the trees are fine.

Burn the damn trees!

Burn 'em!

What happened to the damn house?

That there is a symbol of the evil white chalky man daddy.

It's a symbol of where I keep my shit, son!

Now sheriff, unless you come up here to sex-atize, hump-ify or bang-ulate my grandma, then I suggest you turn your purty little whitey wagon around and get on back to chalky town.

I will Early, but before I go I'm going to tell you where society would be without the white man. Eli Whitney, the inventor of the cotton gin, a white man. How about Crawford Long? He discovered Ether, when he wasn't busy being white. And you know that sphinx and the ancient pyramids of Egypt? Who do you think built those Rusty?

I don't know... chalk-casians?

Actually no but they were in charge probably. Any fans of basketball out there? Here's a name, Larry Bird, the inventor of the slam dunk. That's a signature white move. Look it up. Rusty, you know the rap music?

I know the NWA. (sings) The police going straight from the underground. They don't like a brother 'cause hes...brown.

Well those N's wouldn't have any A at all, if it wasn't for the white police state. In fact, all music: rock, R&B, gospel, even reggae descended from, you guessed it, whites. So now what do ya think? How you like me now?

What about slavery?

Who abolished it? A white man, thank you.

But didn't y'all like whip 'em and stuff?

Nuh-uh-uh Rusty, if it weren't for us whites, your land right over here would be completely overrun by red Indians.

Uh-uh! Hell no! Not this land, Red Man! (Starts shooting wildly into the woods)

...and your granny over there? She'd be plunkin' her life's savin's into five dollar slots at a Cherokee casino and spa watchin' Jay Leno perform for two weeks this October, followed by The Beach Boys featuring Mike Love.

Silence the lies. Ooohh. Why do things have to change? We've been hatin' whites since Jesus was a junebug!

Granny, even he was a white man. Here, take a look at this novelty plastic Jesus. Go ahead, pull his sandle.

Aw...

Now get on back to ye' teepees!

Folks, my point is this: Whites.