Sheriff quotes from Squidbillies

You're under arrest for entrapment...of my heart."

He knows I didn’t eat my okra! Mac and cheese should count as a vegetable. Hell, it’s listed as a side!

Ain't nothin' gonna stop me now but my innate inabilitry to progress conganacious thunk.

Now where's that money check? Come to your daddy, come on!

Oh hell, Early, I gave that to Granny.

What the hell?

Well, I mean, she said she was the principal.

She was the damn tennis coach! What kind of damn- [The three are run over by a passing train]

Look everyone, it's the creature from the prophecy!

Nah it's just me. Help me Oobi Wan, you're my only hope. (Picks up Early and kisses him) For luck. Remember that? Get it? Star Wars? (All stare at the Sheriff) Ain't this a Sci-Fi convention?

Enter the circle of fire and answer the inquisitation

Answer the inquisitation!

Tell me sheriff, what do you, eh, what do you think of white people?

Eh they're all right I guess. I mean I like 'em Doobie Brothers.

Doobies aside! Doobies has been disquackified, alright?

Actually Early I really don't mind whites so much. I mean some of my best friends are white. Like me, I'm white!

You what to the what now!

Did I mention to you that boys. Hey look... See, white as a Vidalia onion and twice as sweet.

Oh no!

Ohhh denial. Denial!! I have done been deceptified by a salesman!

Burn the sheriff!

Hey, hey, hey. Woah, woah. Is this what this is all about, a hate white rally?

Well it don't have to be just whites. I mean we're all inclusive here... except for those damn whites.

Why do you squids hate whites so badly?

Typical. Whitey needs an explanation for every damn thing.

I'll tell you something and I'll say it right now with my mouth and it needs to be listended: Whites is too reflective, with their sheeny skin, beating sunlight into my eyes.

Can't tell them apart. Looking like a bunch of lightbulbs with shoes on, all be-boppin' around all over the place.

Except for you sheriff, you one of the good'uns...

Oh yeah, yeah, you one of the good ones.

Thank you ma'm.

[Whispers] 'Cause you got a gun.

Now sheriff, unless you come up here to sex-atize, hump-ify or bang-ulate my grandma, then I suggest you turn your purty little whitey wagon around and get on back to chalky town.

I will Early, but before I go I'm going to tell you where society would be without the white man. Eli Whitney, the inventor of the cotton gin, a white man. How about Crawford Long? He discovered Ether, when he wasn't busy being white. And you know that sphinx and the ancient pyramids of Egypt? Who do you think built those Rusty?

I don't know... chalk-casians?

Actually no but they were in charge probably. Any fans of basketball out there? Here's a name, Larry Bird, the inventor of the slam dunk. That's a signature white move. Look it up. Rusty, you know the rap music?

I know the NWA. (sings) The police going straight from the underground. They don't like a brother 'cause hes...brown.

Well those N's wouldn't have any A at all, if it wasn't for the white police state. In fact, all music: rock, R&B, gospel, even reggae descended from, you guessed it, whites. So now what do ya think? How you like me now?

What about slavery?

Who abolished it? A white man, thank you.

But didn't y'all like whip 'em and stuff?

Nuh-uh-uh Rusty, if it weren't for us whites, your land right over here would be completely overrun by red Indians.

Uh-uh! Hell no! Not this land, Red Man! (Starts shooting wildly into the woods)

...and your granny over there? She'd be plunkin' her life's savin's into five dollar slots at a Cherokee casino and spa watchin' Jay Leno perform for two weeks this October, followed by The Beach Boys featuring Mike Love.

Silence the lies. Ooohh. Why do things have to change? We've been hatin' whites since Jesus was a junebug!

Granny, even he was a white man. Here, take a look at this novelty plastic Jesus. Go ahead, pull his sandle.

Aw...

Now get on back to ye' teepees!

Folks, my point is this: Whites.

Early, ain't no whites ever bothered you. I guess you just hatin' for the sake of hatin'.

Mmmm, it ain't that sheriff, it's something else. [Begins to daydream] She was my dream, my muse, a vision suitable for the wide screen format. I can still tast

Alright, look. I want you to take all those things that are eating away, weighing you down inside, and I want you to pull them all out... and scream them out at the top of your lungs. Sheriff?

Who, me?

Yeah, just cut loose. I mean, just get it all off your chest. This is a safe haven for both of you gentlemen.

Okay. (Shuffles to edge of cliff) Well, you see... Early... well, he don't respect...

Are you done? Everybody stand back, it's my turn.

No...

Nyuh huh, I just called it. (Begins to nudge the Sheriff out of the way)

(Kicks Early away) Don't you push me! You always push me into positions I don't like! I'm the law! And you break the law and you still expect me to be your friend? How can I be who I am and still be in a relationship with you! It's always about you! You think you're the center of the universe and we all...

...moved the show to Friday, head-to-head with CSI? Come on! You've got to give a show time to find an audience...

...hell, you know he can act! He played Doogie Howser for seven seasons!

(Claps) Excellent work gentlemen, excellent. (Looks at watch, begins to back away) Hey, ah, I think this is about as good as it gets, guys...

Naw! Naw! Without us they have no network...

...often wondered if I even do have a pair! Yes, of testicles! (Grabs crotch) I've never seen them, no! And you dressed me in chiffon! Pretty, pretty chiffon! Well, guess what! I think I'm pregnant... again! Thanks a lot, mama! (Whips off shirt and throws it off the cliff) Whew, well, that felt pretty good.

(Begins to back away) I, I really need to, um, sorta wrap this thing up.

Wait a minute! Ain't I gonna get to yell nothin'?

Well, (sighs) sure Early... go ahead.

Whoo! Gimme back my bullets! Ooh, that smell! What the hell is that smell? (Holds up lighter) Whoo!

Well, um... do you have any concerns of not really a Skynyrd-deep cut?

Uh, yeah, something has been kinda gnawing at me. Stand back. (Yells off cliff) Show me them titties!

Are you talkin' to my mama?

If she'll do it! Will she do it?

Early, it's my job to protect and serve all forms of life, even the unhatched. Every American has the right to life!

Even that crazy bitch in Houston what killed all them cats in the bathtub?

Well yeah, she should die, but I'm talking about the unborn. Inside that egg is a beatin' heart; a soul, this small. And uh, while I don't understand how Rusty might have conceived-

Diplarobosomosexualosmosis, right down 'ere in his buttcrack.

Alright, alright, whatever, is that how he did it? My point is, this is a life. And even though you don't love it, you don't have any money, and you won't give it any opportunities, this here egg could grow up to be president. Or find the cure for homosexuality! waiterminute, hell, even become the next Tom T. Hall!

So whatcher sayin' is uh, that my grandbaby rightchere might someday grow up to be the gay president of Tom T. Hall? Outstandiner than hell.

Looks like they found out your name wasn't Awesome Bill from Dawsonville.

Well yeah it is.

... No. Early, it's not.

Damnit to hell you know that too?

Well, here we are! Terminus, capital of the dirty south. Rising like a phoenix from the ashes of the civil war. Y'all recongnize this place here?

Wait a minute, this the place where Kenny Rogers shot that scene with the kids of Six Pack, ain't it?

1982! The coward of the county's own self stood right here!

Stone Mountain. World's most appropriately named mountain in the South East. And look carved there on the side, the four horseman of the confederacy. Stonewall Jackson, Robert E. Lee, Jefferson Davis, and Pacman!

A rebel's hero. Come up to Gettysburg to kick some damn ass! If it weren't for Pacman, we might'a lost the damn war!

I’m just saying what everyone thinking -- Black people make Chinese food for a living. It’s one hell of a world, ain’t it?

Granny Cuyler

No one’s thinking that! You’re out of touch, you weirdo! Ow, ow!

Hey, Sheriff, do that there funny joke where you blow your face off. That’s a good ’un!

No, my craniofacial surgeon told me I should phase out that of my set. So I guess y’all just got served!

[with a hole in his mug, coffee falls out of his mug, and his blood comes out of his body] Stop using your firearm as a microphone. Damn, I ain't even playing now. [Falls over]

I’m gonna kill the old-fashioned way.

You are quotin’ “Roadhouse!”

Damn, boy! I thought you was good!

Stop…Quoting… “Roadhouse!” Aa-a-a-a-a-h!

Damn, Rusty.

Uh, you’re under arrest. I mean, it’s illegal to pull out your daddy’s -- Aah!

Aa-a-a-a-a-h!

What happened to the fun, Rusty? Yah! Aah!

Aa-a-a-a-a-h!

Seems risky to say this since you’re in a mood, but how’d you learn to rip throats out?

Yah!

Please don’t. Please d-- Aah!

Aah!

Granny Cuyler

I’m ready to die.

Aah! Aa-a-a-a-a-h! I’m so sorry for ripping out everybody’s throat out. I guess I just snapped.

It’s alright, Rusty. I lost my bar, but it was worth it. That party was goat.

‘Preciate you, Ellis.

I’m glad you ripped my throat out, Rusty. I had a tumor in there from a lifetime of smoking.

Granny Cuyler

I’m glad you ripped my throat out, too. Because I just like to fit in.

I told you I’d show people a good time.

That party was off the hook -- And off the chain.

The whole hook, chain, whatever apparatus connected you to something -- Gone.

Granny Cuyler

Yeah, whatever chain we were on. We’re off it now.

Bring in the chains, referee. Let’s measure it. ‘Cause I think we got first down -- Of good times.

Granny Cuyler

Who let the Dogs out? Early, that’s who, he took off their chains. That explains how they got out.

Ha ha ha. Anything with chains.

Made in Georgia.