Carter Heywood quotes from Spin City

Carter

(sees James and tosses his costume to the floor) DAMN IT!

(together) You're disgusting.

Carter

I'm out

Nikki

They had a candle light vigil at the fountain last night. Hundreds showed up.

Carter

Of course only five people could fit around it at one time. They had to vigil in shifts.

Carter

Believe it or not, I came out at Thanksgiving.

Nikki

How'd you pull that off?

Carter

Very subtle. "Dad, great job carving the turkey. I'm a homosexual."

Nikki

Well, every year, I go to my sister's house, hug her three beautiful children, then my family gathers round, ties me to a chair, and pummels me with questions about why I'm not married yet.

Stuart

Me, my mom, my dad, three Hungry Man dinners, and a big box of wine. The first "I hate you" comes out around 9:30.

Carter

It's not like I'm sleeping with every man in town. You are straight. Do you sleep with every woman you meet?

Stuart

YES!

Stuart

Who's looking out for the white middle-class, heterosexual male?

Carter

Congress.

Paul

C'mon trade with me, my nuns for your lesbians.

Carter

They're not baseball cards, Paul.

Stuart

Why do women always go for losers like him?

Carter

What, instead of losers like you?

Carter

Can't you tell if a man is handsome?

Stuart

Huh, nice try.

James

Every year, my mom makes a whole Nativity scene out of candy. (picks up a piece) Chocolate Jesus.

Carter

James, please. At work, just call me Carter.

Carter

(about a giant statue giving the finger) Mike, its huge! Where can we put it?

How about my ex-wife's lawn?

Carter

Go on without me!

Mike

I'm not leaving you behind!

Carter

You don't have a choice!

Mike

Whatever may occur, I will find you!

Carter

Mike, shouldn't we wear the oranges?

Mike

Oh, forget the oranges.

Mike

Let's orange up.

Carter

Blood type?

Mike

Deer? [off Carter’s look] Deer negative.

Carter

‘Relationship to patient’ oh that’s easy: Assassin!

Mike

Listen Carter, I may have shot him, but you ate his mother!